


A Moment Too Late

by rhysdelamar



Category: Supernatural
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-26
Updated: 2014-01-04
Packaged: 2017-12-30 13:48:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 30
Words: 77,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1019357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhysdelamar/pseuds/rhysdelamar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Cas tried to reach Sam before he closed the gates...but they were a moment too late. This is a what if scenario where Sam sacrifices his life to close Hell. The resulting loss sends Dean into a tailspin. Cas still falls for the trap, resulting in his being human. This is a story of two damaged people, trying to cope with their new reality.<br/>Multiple Chapter Work that is complete. -Updated every two/three days. </p><p>***Alternate Season 9 where Sam did in fact close Hell. Cas still falls and some plot points remain the same. However this is a dark fiction, dealing with grief, guilt and recovery. There is also an instance of rape that is explicit as well.***<br/>==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> What if Naomi's warning came a moment later? 
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of their characters from CW. I am not profiting financially from the creation and publication of this story. Any and all real persons and situations are purely coincidental.

      “Take me back to him now !” he yelled at the angel. Seeing the panic in his eyes, Cas complied and touched his forehead. Angel flight used to give him stomach issues, but he’s so used to it now and it _is_ instantaneous. He expected Cas to fly him to the very step of the church where he was prepping the ritual.

                At least, that was what he was expecting instead of falling several meters from the ground within sight of the church. Both he and Cas fell into the forest floor, through the trees whose branches broke his fall, sort of at least. Landing, he let out a hiss as he hit the ground hard on his side. There was a sharp pain in his shoulder, which took the brunt of the landing. Somewhat dazed and perplexed, this had never happened before. Looking up, he saw the church was only less than quarter mile away.

                Bearing through the pain, he stood up and looked around. Cas was getting up a couple feet away from him and looked confused as to what happened. “Cas! What the hell man?” He asked as he began limping toward the church.  Sam was at the forefront of his mind, and if was going to complete the trial, he would die. God, he wished they knew that when this started this thing, otherwise there was no way he would’ve let Sam do it. It should have been him in the first place, and he would’ve done it even if he knew it would take his life. He was just a grunt with no future anyway. Sam though, he could’ve lived the apple pie life without him.

                “Something interrupted my flight and threw us out. I’m sorry Dean.” Cas said apologetically when he caught up with him.

                “Turbulence?” he asked still heading to Sam.

                Cas nodded, “it was like an energy wave, it pushed me back into this plane.” Cas paused to look at him, “I can heal you Dean.”

                “Hurry it up then!” He just needed to get to Sam, to stop him. But a sinking feeling in his gut was telling him was too late. An energy wave near where Sam was doing the ritual with enough juice to cause Cas to crash land, not a good sign at all. But he wasn’t going to think about this…he wasn’t….no, just no. Feeling the familiar tingling when Cas heals him, he broke out into a run and he was at the church steps faster than you could blink. Swinging open the door, he stopped.

                Sam was on the floor, not moving. Maybe Naomi was lying and the ritual just knocked him out. Walking slowly to his brother, his baby brother…he had to be asleep. There was no way no one can look that peaceful dead…because he ain’t dead. “Sammy?” he croaked, hoping that Sam would wake up and flash that stupid grin of his. This was just a prank. He was pretending, yeah, that’s it. Sinking to his knees beside the still unmoving form of Sam, he listened…waited. Crowley was saying something he thinks, but he’s waiting…just waiting.

                “I’m sorry Dean, but Sam is” Cas said beside him.

                “Don’t you say it, don’t you dare.” He looked at the angel with hope and fear. Angel. Heal. Cas brought Bobby back at Stull, he can…wake Sam up. “Fix him.” he growled. Cas better do this, feathery bastard let him down to many times but not today. Not today.

                Cas kneeled down beside him, “I cannot repair the damage the trials have done to his body Dean. This is beyond mine or anyone else’s power to heal.” He felt the angels hand on his shoulder, “Dean, I’m s”

                “God dammit Cas! Don’t say sorry like a broken record!” he shoved the hand away and stood up, pulling the angel by the lapels up. “I have one job! ONE! Keep Sam safe! So you better come up with a plan to bring him back.” Letting go, shoving really, Cas back, he slumped back beside his brother. “C’mon Sam, wake up…” he tried to feel for a pulse, but there wasn’t one. His body was warm, but he could tell it was cooling already.

                Someone was sobbing, he was sure. It took him a minute to realize that it was him. He was crying because Sam was dead. And he somehow knew he wasn’t coming back this time. So what if the gates of Hell is closed shut and all the demons locked away? The price was too high. He felt arms around him and he held onto the warm body like it was life raft. “It should’ve been me,” he said to whoever was holding him.

                Regaining some composure, he looked up. It was Cas who was holding him. The angel had his ever present stoic face but Dean could see in his eyes that he was just as broken by this as he was. Sam was his brother though, he raised that kid. He showed him how to take of himself, protected him from the worst his dad dished out, always charged in protecting him. And he failed. Again and again. This was it. Sam was good an gone. No deals to be made, no God to pray to…Sam was gone.

                Crowley fidgeted in the chair, he forgot about that smug bastard. Getting up, he punched the very human Crowley in the face. Damn that felt good. “You tell me what happened.” His vision was a bit red at the edges, but he was angry…and it was because of this sorry piece of a shit. If Crowley just let things be, not kidnapping prophets and being a douchebag, Sam would be alive now.

                 The former king spat out some blood and looked at him with the saddest most pathetic eyes ever. “He cured me…after that, there was this bright light after he said something from that paper. Then he was…gone.”

                “Dean…Naomi was telling the truth. I…don’t know what to do.” He looked over at Cas, who did indeed looked confused on what he should do. Well he knew what the winged disaster was no innocent. He was just as guilty as Crowley…and him.

                “And what Cas, you need me to tell you what to do? Cause I don’t care about your dipshit brothers and sisters. _Mine’s_ dead. And you freaking dragged me away from him. I could’ve been here, stopped this. But no, you had to do your own thing. AGAIN. Not listening to me. AGAIN. And look, Sammy’s dead and it’s _your_ fault. So I don’t care if you fly away, cause that’s the only thing your good at.”

                Cas looked…hurt, shocked even. But he deserved the truth the son of a bitch. He looked down at Crowley, “and you. I should kill you right here and no for all the crap you pulled. Send you right back to hell where you belong.”

                 
                “You can’t. His soul has been cleansed.” Cas said sadly. He glared back at the angel.

                “You’re telling me that last thing Sam did was wash his soul clean! That if I kill him he goes upstairs! HOW THE HELL IS THAT FAIR!” After all that Crowley did, and he gets to go to Heaven? He looked at his brother, that was like Sam. Always forgiving. He closed his eyes, trying to keep the anger down…but he didn’t. It was the only thing that was keeping him from feeling any pain. Better to dish it out than take it.

                But in the end of the day, Sam was dead. No one talked. No one dared to. Finally, he had enough. “Cas, take Crowley, I don’t care…get him…get him out of my sight.” He looked at the angel, who just nodded and before he touched the ex-demon, he told him, “and don’t bother coming back.” Cas froze and looked at him, and he was about to say something, but he cut him off. “Just…go.”

                Cas looked like a kicked puppy, but he didn’t want the idiot angel here, not now. He needed to be…alone. And in a flutter of wings he was with the corpse of his dead brother alone.

* * *

 

                He flew Crowley to some city, he wasn’t really paying attention where he was going. Sam was gone, yes, but he looked so peaceful even in death. And he had closed the doors to Hell. All demons and damned souls were now locked in the pit. The Winchesters had once again done the impossible. At the cost of Sam’s life though. Sam had to know this though, he didn’t tell him or Dean, but he could see. The damage was irreversible, Sam knew it, he knew it. Doing this would take everything from it, and it had.

                And now there was just Dean. The pain the man was feeling, he sensed it even though they were a world apart. Dean was breaking under the pain, the loss, the guilt. And he blamed it on him, and he knew he was the one to blame for this. If it wasn’t for him starting this domino effect of Leviathan to tablets, Sam would be alive. The hunter was right, it was his fault. He should’ve listened to Dean, heard out his console, paid attention to what Dean was teaching him.

                Leaving Crowley on the street, he first went to think for a bit in a remote mountain range. Dean was on the move, he sensed, probably heading back to the bunker. No matter what Dean said to hurt him, what hurt him more was the fact that Sam was gone. He was a friend to him as well, even though he wasn’t as close to him as he was with Dean. There was nothing he could do to revive Sam. The trials permanently changed the makeup of his body. There was no way to fix his body; there was no way his soul could reside there any longer. Looking heavenward, he knew Sam had to be there with his family. He may not be able to bring him back, but he could at least still see him.  

 

                Before that though, he needed to take care of one thing. He flew up to Heaven. Naomi was right about Sam, albeit late, but still right. That also meant she was telling the truth about Metatron and his plan to expel the angels. And he had to be stopped. Flying to Naomi’s office, he saw her…dead. Then there was a blade at his throat.

                “About time you got here. Don’t fight, or I will kill you.” There were suddenly two other angels at his side that dragged him back into the chair.

                “What did you do?” he asked as he was being strapped down.

                “Naomi was not the only player on the board up here Castiel. Some of the others were more than happy to assist me in taking her down…and getting you.”

                He looked over to the two, recognizing them as Akiriel and Aron, “he means to expel the angels from Heaven! He’s not going to…”

                There was a cut at his throat and he felt his grace being forced out of him. It was incredibly painful, and all he could do was stay still in shock. “Hush Castiel. All they know, is that I’m going to give their leader, Itheriel, the power to rule Heaven. You on the other hand, I brokered that you should be exiled to Earth since you love it so much.” Metatron healed the cut. “Good bye Castiel, and when you come back…tell me your story.”

* * *

 

                Dean was just pulling into the driveway of the bunker when he saw it. At first, it looked like falling stars…but the prismatic light and the people in the fire told him otherwise. Angels. They were falling from Heaven. Stupid son of a bitch, Cas must’ve went on his own again to stop Metatron. Obviously, he fucked up again. Turning his back on the sight, he opened the trunk and got out the shovel.

                Climbing the small hill, he began digging in the little grove that when it was spring, was quite beautiful. This would be a good spot for Sam. The anger was still boiling in him, he was angry…and afraid. He was alone in the world. No family left. It should’ve been him to do this, it should be Sam digging a grave for him. If anyone could get out of the hunting life and make it out in the real world, it was Sam. Not him. He’s gonna die ugly…and alone, and probably sometime soon. He can’t cut it out in the real world, hunting was all he knew. Hunting was all he _could_ do. Tried the family thing…almost got them killed. So not doing that again.

                Once it was deep enough, he opened the door to the bunker. The lights and sirens were going off, but other than that, it was empty. Kevin made good on his word and disappeared again. So he was out a prophet too. Well good, if the kid stuck with them…him, he would end up dead soon enough. All his friends and family die ugly, not one had a natural death. Guess it’s the curse of being Dean freaking Winchester. Grapping some premade coffins from the back room, he carried the thing back outside. Why the Men of Letters had coffins, he had no idea, but it was of nice construction and heavily warded.

                No way was he going to burn Sam. Yeah, he should, but there was the long shot hope that maybe, just maybe, Sam might resurrect. Sam has died a couple of times already, and it never seems to stick, maybe this time he’ll come back. So what if came with a kicker, they can deal with that. But as much as his head was trying to give him hope, his heart knew that once he laid Sam to rest, that was it. At the very least, Sam and Bobby gave him the courtesy of burying him as well.

                Day was breaking as he finished filling in the hole. He placed a crude cross on the site, but he’s going to get something way nicer for his brother. Sam deserved a freaking statute, ‘cause he _did_ save the world not once, but twice _and_ closed hell. Man deserved a freaking holiday. Once he was done, he sank down at the foot of the grave.

                “I’m sorry Sammy. I failed you. I failed all of you. Dad. Mom. Bobby. Cas. I couldn’t keep you safe. I’m so…so sorry.” Reaching for his flask, he began drinking it. 


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

 

* * *

 

Chapter Two

* * *

 

When he awoke from the forest floor in the pre-dawn hours, there was a feeling of being…empty, small even. Metatron had taken his grace with the help of his brothers. Granted, he knew many in Heaven would have happily volunteered themselves to seek revenge against him. However, he  _was_  the one responsible for changing the way the Heavens operated. In that sense, he was responsible for his own fall.

Now beside the lake, he saw them fall. It was a beautiful sight unless you knew the truth. Each flaming star was a sibling, screaming as their wings were torn away from them. It was highly probable that the vast majority of his brethren would blame him, even though he did not want this. Then again, he never meant for a great deal of things to happen either. He never wanted to become the leader of the rebel army against Raphael, he never wanted to leave Purgatory, he never wanted this.

There was something easier to blindly following orders, to never question them. Blind obedience had its benefits, such as acting without thought or blame. Free will has garnered him nothing but more trouble and problems. Dean was right, he was very much like a child, and he saw now free will only offered him pain. Now his family will, again, suffer the consequences of his folly and hubris. If he dies again, he hope it will be permanent, he can't go another round being resurrected.

Seeing no point to watch the evidence of his failure in the sky, he turned around and walked into the woods. His first inclination was to find a way back to Dean, once he found out where he was of course. Dean did say not to come back, but he did not say never to come back either. The death of a loved one can be a trying time for any person, and he knew Dean needed space. He was lashing out at anyone because of Sam's death. It was likely he was in Heaven, but he should have seen him before going to Naomi. That would offer little comfort to Dean though even if he had.

Sam's sacrifice though had resulted in the closure of Hell, and his own, though not a sacrifice as so much forced, resulted in Heaven being closed as well. With both Heaven and Hell closed, the human world was supposedly safer. He did not know if the expelled angels would retain their grace, but though powerful, there were very few angels. That was also thanks to him. Killing hundreds of Raphael's followers in order to ensure no angel would want to question him was the only thing he could think of. Though he suspects it was the Leviathan influence already affecting his behavior at the time. Back to his original train of thought, other than restless spirits and Eve's spawn, there was no major threat now facing humanity.

This should have been a triumph for them all, but it wasn't. It had cost Sam his life and his grace to do this, and Sam alone made the cost to high. He suspected though Sam was more than willing to do this, and people have sacrificed more for a whole lot less. Dean though, he would not take well to this. When the hunter was hurt or his family threatened, he did incredibly foolish things. But there was no recourse to get Sam back though, not this time. Sam was gone for good, and Dean was truly alone. His entire family was now dead, even Bobby, he father figure was gone. He was in the same situation; he had no family to turn to. Besides Dean.

It was afternoon when a truck tried to run him over. He was only alive because he heard the truck at the last moment and dashed to the side of the road. Feeling true pain in his hand, he looked at it and cringed at the sight of it being all bloody. What was more disconcerting was that it wasn't healing as it would if he still had his grace. The driver of the truck stopped a little ways off and offered apologies and a ride into town. Suspicious of the young woman since he clearly felt the intent to do him harm even though she smiled at him sweetly. It turned out he was right, as it was Hael trying to kill him. Only his quick reflexes and seatbelt allowed him to survive the murderous attempt.

Cringing at her accusations and her threats, he still tried to offer her help. Even in a broken vessel though, she still tried to frighten him by telling the others where he was. That was a risk he could not take, he would not bring more trouble to Dean. Stopping by a Laundromat, he tried in vain to wash his clothes with what little money he had. His modus operandi still held true, and he ruined his clothes. Spying an unattended load, he stole some clothes before walking out in the cold.

At least he knew where he was now. Glenwood Springs was a little over five hundred miles to the bunker. If he had a car, or drove, he could be there in under a day. As it was, he was penniless, hungry with only his feet to walk on. Now he wished he had some practical modern skills like hustling or hot wiring a car so he can get there. Limited to just walking though, it would take weeks to get to Dean.

* * *

It was a habit that started with Bobby and his dad. Always have at least a couple six packs in the fridge and a couple bottles in the cabinet. Never run dry of hunters helper and it was a lesson he took to heart. Usually, he only drank a couple shots worth of whiskey and maybe a couple bottles of beer. Was he an alcoholic, yeah, but he was functional one. Last night though, he drank every last drop he could find. It was not surprising he woke up with a massive hangover in the library. Looking around, he saw that he certainly had a tantrum last night, since the table was overturned and books were all over the place. Not that it matters, Sam wasn't here to read them. He was the brains in the family.

He remembered the look on Sam's when they came into the Men of Letters bunker for the first time. He throws on the lights and what the first thing Sam goes for? The library. Man practically lived in the room, reading, cataloging and doing all kinds of geeky stuff. Looking around, he found a almost empty bottle and drank it dry. Getting up since he had to piss, he stepped one some broken glass. Good thing he was wearing his boots because the remains of the decanter would have shredded his feet.

It's not fair, he's the one who had no future. Every relationship he got into, trying to settle down, ends horribly. Sam…Sam had good relationships, he can make them stay stable. His brother could leave this life, had left this life. And he thrived when he did. It was him, older brother who should've been happy and let him go do his own thing who kept bringing him back into this crap. If he hadn't gone to get Sam from college to look for dad, Sam could've been married. Or let him be with Amelia, he was happy with her too. But no, Dean can't handle being alone. He's never been alone.

And who's fault was that? His, all his because he was loser deadbeat hunter who wasn't worth a damn. It was never about what he wanted, it was always what he  _had_ to do, his  _destiny_ and  _responsibility_. All he wanted was to be happy and loved, he wanted his mom back…he wanted a family. His family, Sam, dad and mom. That included crotchety old drunk Bobby, or even Ellen and Jo. They were his family. Even that dumb angel who fucked up everything was family.

Twisting a new bottle open, he drank a good gulp before slamming it down. Cas…that idiot. What did he get himself into now? He sorta remembers the falling stars, but it's kinda hazy. Dipshit probably tried to do something good and it blew up in his face. There was another stab in his heart at the thought, and he hit his head. At least Cas always did it for what he thought was for the greater good, ill thought out as it usually turned out. And he realized that Cas was practically the last member of his adopted family who had a chance of still being alive.

Right now though, he was angry…and sad, hurt and all he wanted to do was light this place on fire, cry for days and just do nothing. He wanted to crawl into that grave with Sam and switch places. He can't do this, not alone, he's not strong enough. Deep down he knew he was weak, never strong enough to truly be on his own. Sam and him were the dynamic duo, doing the family business of hunting things, making sure the world keeps on spinning.

Stupid bastard probably knew this was going to be a one way ticket too when he thought about it. Hiding his illness from him, trying to keep him from finding the bloody tissues, the sleeping in, the coughing. Sam knew he was dying and he fell for 'its purifying me' crap. He should've known when Sam almost burned up back then they found Metatron. He threw the now empty bottle at the wall, hearing it shatter against the all too quiet bunker.

Now what is he supposed to do? That was the last bottle which means he had to go out and get some more. He's too wasted to do that now, but he didn't want to stay awake. Awake meant thinking, thinking that was all about Sam. His little brother, the one he was supposed to look out for, the one who is dead. The one thing he was supposed to do, the one thing he only cared about doing, was to watch out for Sam. And he failed so many times, but this was the biggest. Cause this was for sure no get out jail card today.

He wobbled over to his room, where he knew there was a stash of some pain killers. That'll send him to sleep until he's sober so he can drive. He wants Sam back but he doesn't have a death wish. Unless he could die so Sam can live, because that'll do. But he can't, not that any demon would deal with him, it's that they can't. Sam locked them up tight and good. It's what they wanted, but he wanted his brother to be there with him. God, he missed that giant little brother with his girly long hair and goofy smile.

"Cas…" he slurred, "if you hear me…if you got wings, you go find Sam." He should probably kneel, "dammit Cas, don't ignore me like you did in Purgatory. I need you man…you gotta…bring Sam back. You busted him out of the Cage…you can spring his ass again from Heaven." He looked up at the ceiling with watery eyes, "Cas. Please, I can't stand to be alone…not again." The pills were taking effect, he did take a dozen or so after all.

* * *

It was cold now in the night, and the stolen clothes were not as warm as the coat he usually wore. He should've kept that, it didn't have too much blood on it and he could've tried to dry it. But the hungry he was now fighting was keeping him from thinking clearly. Walking out to the edge of the town, he found himself in a wooded area where some other transients were sharing a bottle around a fire. The lure of the warmth was too much to ignore.

Walking over, "can I join you three?" he asked politely to the other men. They looked middle aged and by their looks, hadn't bathed or shaved for an extended period of time. They simply nodded.

"What's yer name?" asked the one with the graying beard.

He thought a moment, was it better to use his real name or an alias. "Clarence."

"New to this?" asked a younger man with blond hair.

"In a manner of speaking." he replied.

"Well, ain't no shame in it. Where you headed to man?"

"Kansas." All three men whistled.

"Ain't nothing there but dirt and more dirt man. Better to head over to a big city, you can find some help there. At least some free food. Once in a while." The older one who spoke first looked around him. "Got no gear?"

"I was…evicted from my home rather suddenly. There was no time to prepare." he said truthfully. "I have a friend in Kansas I can stay with."

"Shit man, you're off bad. Got any money?" He shook his head. "Damn, well you're in for a real trying time. Here." The man passed him the bottle. It was whiskey by the smell of it. Not refusing, he took a small swig. It burned all the way down, but after a moment, it warmed him up.

"Thank you." The one who hadn't spoken just huffed in obvious disapproval.

"Gotta say man, no stuff to trade and no money means it'll be hard to get even to Kansas. You can hitchhike, but some drivers though…they might want some 'favor' in return. Pretty face like yours, be shame to see it messed up." The young man said.

"Josh, just because it happened to you doesn't mean it happens all the time." The older man looked at him, "look son, there's some good decent folk who help you, maybe give you a lift. But Josh here is right, be careful, there's some nasty pieces of shit out there. You're welcome to the fire tonight though, it gets cold in these mountains."

"Again thank you." He was humbled by the kindness of these strangers. Offered the bottle again, he took another swig. Now that he was fully human, the effect of even this small amount was effecting him, making him tired. After the bottle was gone, the four just huddled around the dying fire, waiting for the sun.


	3. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You meet some interesting people along the way with interesting things to try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==
> 
> -This chapter specifically refers to marijuana use, alcohol abuse.-

He really didn't sleep per se, he dozed off once in a while when his eyes closed. Though his body was tired, it was also cold and hungry. These two feelings interrupted any attempt to gain some rest. Now that he was in a mortal body that was truly his, the feelings he felt only peripherally when he had his grace were now cold made him shiver in an attempt to keep warm. It started in his abdominal area and spread out from there to his limbs. His feet and fingers were already somewhat numb, so he curled himself into a ball as close to the dying fire as he could. This posture should conserve whatever body heat he did have.

It did nothing to alleviate his hunger though. The alcohol he was given felt good for a while, but the warmth it gave him had already faded. His stomach apparently did not like it either, as it was given him some pain at being mostly empty and at the whiskey. When he was in the Laundromat he had spied some food, but he did not have enough change to even buy a candy bar. If he was there now though, he would break the glass and steal what he could. He had already stolen these clothes, and he had no qualm about stealing again.

How low he had fallen to resort to stealing to survive. He felt shame in doing so, but he reasoned as long no one was hurt, it was ok. Sam and Dean did fund their hunts by committing fraud and tricking people in hustling. The brothers should be paid for what they did, for what they do. They should be celebrated and given praise for all their sacrifices. However, it is not meant to be. The Winchesters Gospels as they are at the moment are accepted as fiction. To most people, they are just characters, oblivious to the supernatural elements in the world. Perhaps as time goes on, they might come to mean something more to the readers of the books.

For now though, the Winchesters have so very few to thank them for their sacrifice. He personally is thankful for having known them, known Dean. He never imagined that it would have been him to find the Righteous Man in Hell, or that he would bear his mark on his soul. A commander of a small garrison, he was lowly in the Heavenly hierarchy. He should have been found by more powerful angels, archangels even. Yet somehow, it was he, following what could only be called a 'gut' feeling to find Dean.

Who had known it would have changed his existence forever, introducing him to free will and all it 'gifts'? Since the year before last, he questioned the value of having free will. Yes, it can be a demoralizing experience, especially for him, but there are moments where it all worth it. Stopping the Apocalypse was one of them. It was Dean who forced him to see its value, and since Dean values it so, he does too. Irrational of him to like something simply because Dean does, but to him, Dean was the bridge for him to understand humanity. He's not a very good bridge, but very effective in showing the resilience and strength of the human race.

Which is why he was worried for the man. Dean and Sam were a complimentary team, they balanced each other out. Sam was rational and level headed, he was compassionate and thoughtful. He was the counter to Dean's impulsiveness and sometimes lack of knowledge. He had been around the Winchesters long enough to know they always worked better together than apart. He also knew Sam was the bedrock Dean built his life on. All his life Dean had watched out for his little brother, did everything, including selling his own soul. With him gone, Dean would be feeling lost. Or possibly very drunk. Most likely both.

All the more reason who should get back to him. No pointing in shivering when he could be moving toward Dean, warming himself up. Getting up, he silently left the small encampment. He was thirsty though, though his teeth were shuddering. At least dawn was coming up soon if the light in the east was any indication. It would also mean he was been up for almost a day and half now. His vessel may have been fit when he took possession of it. There were limits though on what he could do now that he had no grace.

One thing he needed was food and water. Food he knew he could last several days without. Water a day at best. It was what his body would do after he had taken those that worried him. He had never had use to go to the restroom, to expel waste. The thought was somewhat terrifying, and he hoped the automatic reflexes ingrained into the brain of this body still function. It would be embarrassing if he found himself incontinent.

He wasn't all that far from a rest stop apparently. Familiar with these small stations because of he had flown to meet the brothers at one numerous times in the past. Thankfully, there was a small café offering free cookies and coffee. Taking a cup and a cookie, he sat at the bench and slowly ate the cookie. The coffee was watery and bitter, nothing compared to the coffee at Biggersons. Nonetheless, it was warm and he could use the caffeine.

"Mind if I smoke?" asked l a thin young man with long blond dreadlocks. Shaking his head the man produced a glass pipe and stuffed some green leaf matter into it. When he lit it, it gave off a pungent but not displeasing smell. The man looked over at him, "want to take a hit?"

"What is it?" he asked. It was not tobacco, and it did not smell like any herb he had encountered before.

The man gave off a laugh and didn't stop for a good while. After taking a moment to catch his breath, the man answered. Looking at him again, his reddened eyes opened a bit wider when he saw his expression of confused annoyance. "Woah man, you never heard of weed? Dude, where've you been?"

"Why would you want to smoke a weed?" he asked sidestepping the question. Somehow declaring oneself a fallen angel is not a wise idea.

"Just weed man. Mary Jane? The whacky tobaccy? No? Damn." The man smiled, "well, it relaxes you. Here, take a hit. Just watch how I do it." The man proceeded to show him how to correctly hold the pipe and when to inhale. He could stand to be relaxed at the moment, and he knew humans took a variety of substances to relax. Handing it over to his open palm, he copied him and took a deep breathe of the smoke.

If it was pungent in smell, the taste on his tongue was worse. He heard the man telling him to hold it in, to take a deep breath then exhale. When he could no longer stand it, he puffed out the smoke and began coughing. It almost felt like it was constricting his breathing, making his lungs burn. The man just laughed again. After he was done with the coughing fit, he glared at the man.

"It's cool man…it'll take a few for you to feel it. If at all, some peeps don't feel it first time. This is some grade a ganja though, so it might. Names Sky."

Once he was able to breathe, he found his voice was deeper than before, if that was at all possible. "Clarence," he replied, keeping to the strategy of using an alias. "How does this relax you?"

"Makes the world seem better man, loosens you up. Might give you munchies." He raised his eyebrow at that. "You never heard of munchies either?" Shaking his head, Sky whistled, "now that's just sad man, munchies is when your smoking some weed gives you an appetite. You know, to munch on something?"

"I don't have any food so I hope not." Smoking this stuff was now a bad idea, though he was starting to feel a bit…lighter.

"Leaf in the wind man?"

"I don't understand that reference."

Sky swept some of his dreadlocks from the front of his face. "Seriously man, where have you been? In a cave?"

"I have been…occupied with my job. Which I just recently lost." It was the truth, if not the full truth.

"Know how that goes man, so you just wandering about?"

"I am trying to reach a friend of mine in Kansas."

"Hmmm," Sky looked over him, "I'm heading to Denver, I can give you a lift there. I also got a sandwich and a shit load of chips in the car you can have. Do you need to call him to let him know, maybe set up a pick up?"

"That would be much appreciated, if it's not too much to ask." he replied with all the heart felt thanks he could muster.

"Damn man, you got some killer puppy dog eyes. Ladies must be fallin' for you left and right?" The statement confused him, but he accepted the phone that Sky offered him.

Dialing Dean's number, he heard it rang a couple of times before it went to the voicemail. "Dean, if you get this, I am heading to Denver. I'm, " he looked over at Sky, who was taking another hit, "human. I'm sorry about Sam Dean, but I need your help. I'll try to call you again." After he was done he handed the phone back to Sky. "Thank you. He did not answer but I hope to get through to him."

"Good you got a friend to bail you out. C'mon, let's get going."

Sky drove an old but well maintained car, though it wasn't a classic like the Impala. Rather, this had cloth seats and a hi-tech music player. It also smelled like cigarettes, weed and stale food. Once they were in, Sky handed him a sandwich and he ate it. He wasn't feeling any different, other than satisfied that he had finally eaten something. The car ride was soothing and he was beginning to relax to the rhythm of being on the road. Sky played some peculiar music that involved a lot of bass, but he still felt himself dozing off. Telling him it was ok to sleep, he finally dozed off.

* * *

"Dean, you shouldn't do this man. You have to wake up."

"I don't want to Sammy! Wanna sleep. Tired….and I don't want to be alone when I wake up." Why can't he see him? Is this a dream, was he asleep?

"You're not alone Dean." Sam said calmly. "Look man, I knew. I always knew this was going to happen. But I am happy. I did it for you. For us. For the world."

"Don't bullshit Sam! You can't leave me alone." he shouted though he was still in the dark, not able to see. "I can't be alone, you're all I got Sam. Please, come back."

"You're not alone." Sam said, but he sounded far away, as if he was leaving.

"Sam!" he yelled bolting up from his bed. He looked around, and he saw he was alone in his room in the dark. The sleeping pills were at the foot of the bed along with yet another empty bottle of whiskey. It was a dream. He would have preferred to having a dream about hell than about his brother. All it reminded him was the he was all alone now. The pain of that, of Sam gone almost made him cry again, but he manned up and tried to keep it in.

His head felt clearer and he wasn't hung over, but he was thirsty and he needed to take a leak desperately. Once he had relieved himself, he saw his reflection in the mirror. The clothes he had were still the ones he wore when…must be a couple days. They reeked, had dirt in them, wrinkled and stained. His eyes were bloodshot with dark circles underneath. His beard was coming in and he ran his hand against it. No point in shaving, but he could take a shower.

Stripping off his clothes, he took a shower quickly and efficiently. Once out, he just walked back to his room with the towel in hand. Once dressed, he went to the kitchen, which seemed to have been spared his streak of destruction. Grabbing a bowl, he ate some cereal and toast. He was about to call out for Sam to ask what he wanted for breakfast, but stopped himself when he realized that he wouldn't get a reply.

Collecting himself, he looked into the mess that was the library. All the weapons were mostly in place, but the books…yeah, the books were mostly on the floor. Looks like he smashed a couple bottles and the decanter against the wall if the stains were any indication. He even tore out a light fixture apparently. Damn, he hadn't gone this bat shit rage crazy in…ever. But then, you don't exactly lose your last family member every day either. He wasn't going to clean this up. This room…this was Sam's place. He would wall it up and call it good if he could.

Sighing, he went outside and started up the Impala. He needed to get into town to buy some 'sleeping aids'. The call of the hunt might come back to him…but right now, the whole world can just fuck itself for all he cared. He saw he left the phone in the car, and he tried to check it. The battery is dead though, so he'll have to charge it. But what's the point? He doesn't want to talk to anyone and if some hunter needs help…well, they can make do. Tossing it in the back, he drove away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: In this story, I wanted to add some elements from and End-verse Cas and how he might still come to be even.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

Maxing out the credit card of one Max Wheatfield, he bought out the entire whiskey shelf. Happily, or as happy as he can get, he brought the box into his baby and roared her all the way back to the bunker. Once he was inside, he wondered on how long his current supply will last. In the back of his mind he knew he shouldn't be drinking this much. That at this rate, he'll die of alcohol poisoning. Not caring if he did though. Preferably he would like to throw himself into a hunt. Nothing makes him feel better than ganking a monster.

Finding cases though, that was Sam's domain. He was a better researcher than him, able to find patterns and clues at an accelerated rate. On top of that, he didn't want to invest the time in looking for a hunt. It's thrill would only last a moment or two, and all things eventually lead back to Sam on way or another.

The last time Sam 'died', he had Lisa and Ben to go to, to support him. He had to be strong for them, be a good father figure for Ben. Lisa gave him the time to mourn for Sam, and she also gave him her support. This time he did not have a 'fall back' family to support him. Hell, he didn't have a family at all. Pouring himself a shot, he mused on how long he'll last alone. To him, what was left to fight for? And what the hell was Sam going on about him not being alone?

Did he mean Charlie? Though she may be the sister he never wanted, she was a good friend. She had a lot of potential being a hunter, though she was better suited researching and hacking than actual fighting. He had even been inside her head, and they went through the ringer. Still, she couldn't fill the gap that Sam had left in his life, not even close.

Kevin maybe? His giant of a brother had a soft spot for the prophet, being both brains and all. Kevin made it clear that he wanted out of this life, and with the gates closed, he could lead a normal life. He couldn't blame him either, the kid lost his girlfriend, mom and shot at good university because he was called upon by God. He's smart, and managed to survive on his own for a year before he and Sam came along, so he can make it. Another example of a person who can lead a normal life outside of hunting.

Other hunters? Yeah, dime a dozen and though they served a good cause, they weren't in the same league as he and Sam. Maybe Garth, but Garth is his own unique class. Otherwise, they gave him and Sam a wide berth, especially after the Apocalypse. Not that all of them knew what really happened, but their reputation of setting off world changing problems did precede them. Work with the Winchesters was a sure way to die ugly. Hell, he, Sam and Cas all had died one time or another.

Cas, whom he had forgotten because of his anger and loss. He can remember why he was mad at Cas, for taking him away to do his own mission to close Heaven. Sam insisted that he go though, and even though he had a gut feeling not to, he did anyway. Was it fair to Cas that he basically banished him? Maybe not, but Cas was the easiest person to blame other than himself. They were just a minute too late, one minute sooner and Sam would be alive.

Still, for all the huge catastrophes he caused, Cas always came back. Came back to him, and he knew the angel would do anything for him. If there was any being he can call a friend, his best friend even, it was Cas. Guy was like a brother, right down to the Winchester self-sacrifice for the greater good. The time when Cas died in the reservoir, a part of him died too and he did what he's doing now. Drinking the pain away, not that it will, it merely covers it up. He took another shot and looked at the now half empty bottle. Damn good cover up if you ask him, and he'll take this over feeling alone any day.

If there was one person who could pull through right now, it would be Cas though. Survived being blown up, chewed up and stabbed so many times, and the angel is still standing. So he went crazy for a bit, but he recovered…twice. Being brainwashed was not new to him, but brainwashed to kill him? And just him, not Sam, not Kevin, just him. When Cas beat him within an inch of his life, he still didn't have in him to really fight his friend. What broke the programming was still beyond him, and he knew it wasn't the tablet. Cas picked that up  _after_  he stopped beating him up.

There was always something between him and Cas, a bond or something. As mad as he is at the angel right now, he can't stay mad either, not for long. Not that he's looking for emotional support, but Cas is the last person to understand emotions. He's worse than Data from  _Star Trek_  in that he's super smart and strong, but dumber than a rock. Questioning a cat? Man had a skewered idea on what normal is, even by hunter standards. It would be nice to have him around though, if anything, Cas can zap the library clean.

Now his brain was getting fuzzy and he forgot the reason why he began thinking about Cas in the first place. To find out what the hell happened in Heaven. But that can wait, he wasn't really thinking clearly and he really didn't want to touch Sam's laptop. He might want to buy his own since that sleek cool one was his brothers…that stuff was still too raw to deal with right now. Besides, he almost drained this bottle and at this rate, he'll pass out and drool on it, probably electrocuting him. He'll deal with it later.

* * *

Sky had let him sleep until they rolled into another park where he had to take a 'leak'. He was unfamiliar with the term, and that earned him another laugh from the dreadlocked man. Apparently it was an euphemism for urinate, and he found that he needed to do so as well. However, he was going to wait until he had the restroom to himself to figure out what he was supposed to do. For the moment, he was somewhat content to just wait until Sky relieved himself.

When Sky came out he pulled out the pipe and weed again. Since the first hit of his didn't really affect him, or so he thought. He did sleep easily enough for not having ever slept before. Previous times when it appeared he was asleep, his body merely shut down completely so his grace can repair it. Now his body had no grace and it slept because it was fatigued. As he understood it, sleep was a pleasant experience for most. He assumed he would enjoy it more if he had a safe and secure place to rest, preferably on a bed. As it was, he did rest well enough in the car ride to the city.

After he took a hit, Sky offered the pipe to him. Between them, they took several hits and this time, he was certainly feeling its effects now. Though he had just woken up, he felt even more relaxed, after he had stopped coughing. He didn't even notice that Sky had left him, he was just enjoying the sunshine and watching the people go to and fro before him. In the back of his mind, he knew he should probably get on the move again, but right now, he was just content.

He still needed to use the restroom though, and getting up, somewhat slowly he thought. The marijuana did indeed make him feel lighter and his mind more lucid. It was pleasant and a useful way to relax, perhaps he can recommend it to Dean. Once in a stall, harsh reality set in, but at least it wasn't as harsh as it could have been. He knew the mechanics of what he was supposed to do, in theory if he wanted to urinate, he should take his penis out and aim for the bowl. Conveniently, he found that zippers and the flap in his boxers were designed to allow him to do so with ease. The full feeling he had begun to loosen when he aimed and thought he was ready. His body knew what to do even if he hadn't fully known. Once the stream petered off the full feeling was gone. It was curious sensation, holding his penis. He knew it also served another function besides expelling urea, which was sex. Even he knew though that now was not the time to explore his sex drive, and tucking himself in, flushed the toilet. It almost seemed absurd for humans to use so much water for the convenience of not seeing their waste.

Leaving the stall, he passed by the urinals and thought to himself that was a more efficient way to urinate, for men at least. Other species used their urine to mark territory, but humans had long since abandoned that form of territorial marking. Washing his hands, he looked over his appearance. His beard was coming in slowly, the Novak line was not known to produce hirsute men. The area underneath his eyes were darker and his lips looked more chapped than normal. Without his grace he would now have to rely on human methods to maintain his body.

After leaving the restroom, he still felt the pleasant high that the weed gave him. Still, he had to find a way back to Dean. Now he was closer but still much too far to walk. Sky was kind enough to take him this far, and he encountered him at a rest stop along the highway. The odds of finding assistance in hitchhiking would be improved if he went to an area that was near a highway. Walking east toward where he hoped to encounter a similar spot, he noticed a man trying to speak Spanish to a group of men.

The man was trying to explain to the men that needed them to work on some yard work apparently but the Spanish was crude and he wasn't making himself understood. Offering to be a translator as his language skills were apparently not effected by the fall, he was able to work out an agreement of work between the men and the yard owner named Bill.

"Thanks man, usually I have Jorge do this but he's out." He looked him over, "you in need of some work son?"

"I am in need of funds yes." he answered.

"Well, I still need someone to be a translator for the day. Fifty bucks even for the day for you if can fill that role and work with them supervising. We just need to clear some bush."

It was honest work if not legal work he knew. However the money he could use to buy food and perhaps find a way to get to Dean. He nodded, "yes, that is acceptable."

"Alright then, hop in the cab, we got work to do." Bill said pointing to the truck behind him.

The work was easy enough, and some the men working with him were more than happy to share their own meager lunch with them. Learning that most of them lacked legal documentation to be the country, they resorted to doing odd jobs like this. Most people turned a blind eye to them as long as they kept the lawns nice and themselves hidden. They were a good people though, and some told him their stories of journeying hundreds of miles to get here. This encouraged him, if they can do it, so can he.

Once Bill called their work good, he paid them cash and dropped them off where he picked them up. He could return here and hope to picked up again the following day. The language skills he possessed would be a boon to him. Still hungry, he found a fast food establishment and ordered a meal for himself. The night was falling when he exited the establishment, and he looked around trying to decide where to sleep.

This is the first true night he had to worry about deciding where to sleep. He has been human now for nearly seventy two hours and in that time, he had only slept no more than a couple. The fatigue was setting in now, and it was impossible to ignore. Though he had some money, he knew it was hardly enough to get a hotel room, and he lacked proper identification. He'll have to find a place as safe and secure as he could in this urban area.

Walking some time and shivering all the while, he neared a small park that was beside a small bridge. As he was walking toward it, a car pulled up beside him.

"Hello there, enjoying the evening?" asked a middle-aged woman. She had a large amount of makeup and smiled at him.

"It is…pleasant enough." He was curious as to the reason why he was approached. It was possible that she might be an angel to get him. There was no way for him to see their grace, so it was possible they had trailed him.

"I was wondering what a good looking guy like you is doing out by himself." The gaze she gave him as she looked up and down made his cheeks somewhat warm. He had been complimented on his appearance, but this was the first time he felt truly flattered. Since he didn't respond, she continued, "I'm looking to have a good time…and I can make it worth your while."

The feeling of being flattered was diminished as he processed her offer. He tilted his head, "are you trying to solicit me for my body for sexual pleasure?"

"Aw hell, you're a cop aren't you?" she said flatly.

He arched an eyebrow, "I am not."

"Yeah, that's what they all say, see ya later bud." With that, she drove off.

Shrugging off the incident, he continued walking to the park. Seeing that it was devoid of any other transients, he nestled into a small nook under the bridge and huddled himself for warmth. Thinking he should try to find some way to buy perhaps a blanket for future use. He should perhaps go to a store to do so. Knowing that Dean usually went to thrift shops for some cheap clothes, he will have to locate one nearby.

Deep inside, he knew he should try to contact Dean as soon as possible, for Dean's sake, not his. Dean was not one to take the loss of his brother lightly, nor should he. It was another matter to take it alone though. When they both thought Sam was gone the first time, he knew that Dean would be ok because there was Bobby still and his plan to be with Lisa. Now he had neither one nor any others who could help him deal with this loss.

He also knew he needed Dean too, though he was undeserving of receiving such help. Dean has been his window into humanity, and he would need him to show him how to be human. Not just the social lessons, but also practical skills such as how to hunt. There was still the need for him to fix this, but he needed to know how to defend himself. Guns in particular would be a good skill to know. It was more than just point and shoot to it. At least he knew how to fight hand to hand well enough.

Sleep was closing in around him, he knew he couldn't fight it any longer. Perhaps he would dream, maybe even something pleasant. He had been in enough dreams, mostly Deans, to know that the dreamer had little control on what they dreamed. Still, even though Dean dreamed of horrible memories in hell, there were times when he had dreams of peace and quiet. Sighing to himself, he tried to hold onto that dream Dean had by the lake hoping that he too would dream of it.


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==  
> This chapter had mature content, i.e. explicit sexual scenes.

It was still summer, though it was the tail end of it. In Kansas, it was still very much warm and he decided to spend the day tending to his little brothers grave. It was up the hill from the bunker door in a nice little grove of trees. The simple cross that didn't have his name was there, the only indication besides the upturned earth that here lies Samuel Winchester.

Being early morning with all the birds chirping and what not, he only decided to being one bottle up here. He needed to have a clear mind on what he wanted to do. Sam deserved a monument worth of his actions. The idea of Sam carved in marble with his flowing hair made him chuckle.

"Hey Sammy," he said as he looked at the grave, "I wonder what kind of statue you should have. Maybe one with you looking all wise with a book in hand and gun in the other. Or better, that face you made as you jumped into the cage? Hair all billowing out and your arms raised like Moses?"

There would be no answer to his question, Sam had left the building some days ago. It comforted him that Sam was close by, but at the same time, so far away. "I hope you're up there with mom and Bobby, making sure those idiots don't muck things up down here again." He hoped that Sam was up in the good place, living those happy memories.

They had died before and he had a glimpse of Sam's heaven. It hurt still to know that some of Sam's happiest memories had involved being part of a normal family. Yes, some of the good ones they both shared, but that one for Thanksgiving, never something they would do. He realized that was probably the reason why Sam could get out of this life easier than he could. Sam had the capacity and knowledge, the  _hope_  of leading a normal apple pie life.

His own had been more of a pipe dream. Lisa and Ben did become part of his family, they were the way he coped with Sam being locked up. Ben he was pretty sure was his, kid had too much of him to not be. Even if he wasn't, he considered Ben as his anyway. And Lisa? She was way too good for him. She accepted him knowing what kind of life he was coming from and the danger he posed. There were nights when he would have a nightmare and she would just hold him, soothe him. Gentle understanding, sweet and kindness were all the things she offered and he ruined it.

Not that he wanted to, but this life, the hunters life always comes back. You don't ever really get out at all, not for him at least. It nearly broke him to wipe the memories of him from their minds and that was the perhaps the kindest thing Cas had ever done for him, even if it was his fault. He knew though it was just a matter of time though before something else that had a grudge against him attacked them. This way it was better, them having no knowledge of him. It was burden he had to deal with alone, just like the burden of beginning the apocalypse, surviving all the shit he has done and then some.

"It's…empty, inside the bunker now. Sorry about trashing the library. Promise I'll clean it up Sam." Maybe he was losing his mind, talking to the grave of his brother. It's not like he had anyone else to talk to. Going to a real therapist, as bogus as their profession was in his opinion, would land him in the crazy house if he told the truth. He could imagine it now, 'hey there doc, so I want to talk about my feelings about my brother being dead because he closed the gates of hell.' Yeah, that one fact was enough to do it.

Maybe he should be locked up. He had killed a fair number or people, who were in truth monsters. If not that, then just for the fraud he commits just to get by. Jail or the looney bin, either or would keep people safe from him. The call of the hunt though was much too hard to ignore, and he knew he would never go back. Their food was horrible, not to mention the no sex thing.

Oh look at that, the bottle was half empty already. He hadn't notice that he had been drinking it. Guess he was too lost in his memories and 'conversation' with Sam to notice. The sun was also higher in the sky too. At least out here he can tell that time was passing by. Inside he kept it pretty much dark and he might have lost a day or two in there. He really didn't care, it was a close to a tomb as he could get, as close to death with Sam he could get.

He also couldn't find his phone, which was probably dead by now. He had no real way of checking how many days it has been since he came back to replenish he alcohol reserves. Considering the beard he was now sporting and the half the bottles gone, he figured at the very least, three to four days. And he was starving, which prompted him to actually make something to eat besides cereal. Making himself eggs and toast, he mindlessly chewed his food before deciding to come up here and maybe get his phone. Then he got distracted and came up to the grave itself. He missed his family, and all he wanted, was to have them back.

* * *

The past couple of nights had been rough on him. He was able to work for another person with their yard with other immigrants again but was paid slightly less than before. Today he had spent it moving some very heavy furniture. Now his back was sore, tired and very dirty. There was supposed to be some showers in the homeless shelter that he could use, but they were at full capacity and unable to help him. At least he had some money now.

He could now eat some food and not be starving all the time, but with eating came to the horror of expelling solid waste. Urinating was easy, but 'pooping' as Dean called it was not pleasant. How his father designed such an inefficient digestive system was beyond him. He had access to fast food restaurant restroom and was able to work out what he needed to do. The act itself he found once again his body knew what to do. Calming himself, he just waited until the feeling past and finally understanding the use of toilet tissue, cleaned himself. How humans did this on a daily basis he had no idea, but he was thoroughly displeased at the prospect that he had to do this now.

With the money he had, he was able to get a change of clothes and a small bag. He was advised that he could go to a truck stop to take a shower there if the shelter was full. Since that was what he intended to do in the first place, he went there and took a shower, and once he was under the hot water, he decided right then and there that he liked showers. There was a time limit but he had as much hot water as he could use, enjoying it washed away the grime. He now also understood why Dean loved to shower, it was a relaxing experience.

It was a different kind of relaxation from when he smoked marijuana though. There wasn't a pull for him to get more, he just thought fondly on the experience. The shower was an instant relaxation that was purely physical in origin. The weed was more mental but both made him feel much more at ease once back in the world. After he had showered, he left to find perhaps another job. With food, the clothes and other small items like a toothbrush, he had already lost the small amount of he had earned. He was tempted to try to hitchhike since he was at a truck stop, but thought better of it in his current state. Preferably, he would like to earn his passage and not rely on the kindness of others as he had with Sky.

He was nearing a spot where he was told was a place where people come to look for work. It was empty but being late in the morning, it was likely whoever needed work got the people here already. Scratching the beard he was growing, he looked around to see what else he can do.

"Hey man, looking for work?" asked a man who stepped out of the small alleyway. The man was short and middle aged, but well groomed.

"Yes. I am capable of manual labor and I am also multilingual." The last bit he found was a sought after skill.

The man looked at his bag, "you don't have a place to stay don't you?"

"I am…travelling. To a friend in Kansas, I just need some money." He was getting a uneasy feeling about this man, the way he looked intently at him.

"I see, well…I was looking for some people to…model for me. I am a photographer of sorts, for a small website." The man stroked his chin, "well, you look clean and nice, so maybe this can work. I'll pay well."

He tilted his head, "Model?"

"Yeah, simple enough, you take your clothes off, I take pictures, give you money, end of story. You can wear a mask if you want to protect your identity." The man smiled trying to entice him. "Nothing bad or illegal, it's for a small subscriber website."

"I do not understand, you want me to undress so you can take pictures of me?" The offer was confusing.

"Look man, it's a small porn site, we go around the country, local dudes get off on camera, we pay them, and it's done."

"Like Busty Asian Beauties?" Other than the pizza man, that was the only other pornography he was familiar with. The former only because he had caught Dean more than once 'admiring' the images. He wasn't self-conscious about being nude, though he was concerned about his face being on the internet.

"Yeah, kinda. Something you'd like to do? One fifty for a strip tease and jerk off. Another hundred if you let one of my guys blow you. If you want to do that though, we need you to get tested."

The money sounded appealing, but he wasn't sure about what jerk off meant. "By jerk off do you mean masturbation?" The man nodded. He knew how to do it theoretically, manual manipulation of his penis would result in it becoming engorged. Further manipulation should make him reach climax and orgasm, which he knew was supposed to be a pleasurable experience. It was perfectly natural stress reliever and enjoyable, and he no qualms doing so for in public or for money. "Yes, that seems agreeable. I must insist that my identity remain confidential."

"Not a problem man, you have ID?" He shook his head no. The man smiled even more, "no problem, as long as you sign the contract and don't have sex, it's ok. Names Oskar."

"Clarence. Where do we go?"

"We got a hotel a couple blocks away." Oskar began walking to the hotel and he followed. "We're a small site but we have a dedicated fan base, our premise is we find real people either online in the streets who wouldn't mind a bit of fun and money. I am just a one of two scouts for talent. The other guy Bill is canvassing the internet right now. There might be some other people there. As for your scene, we'll shoot on a couch and you can use your hands but we also have toys as well."

"There are toys for such things?" he asked innocently. Oskar laughed out loud.

"Of course! Where the hell have you been man? Mars?"

He was about to point out the hostile environment that Mars has before he realized he wasn't being serious. It was few moments before he was lead up to the hotel room which was the suite on the top floor. There were three other guys there, one on a laptop which he assumed was Bill, another working on a camera and another one walking toward him with some paperwork. He filled out the papers as best and honestly as he could. He put the name of on Clarence Simmons, drawing inspiration from Dean's known aliases. They asked him to strip first so they can look over him and when he did so, Bill whistled. The 'director' tried to convince him to not wear a mask, but he wouldn't compromise his identity on the off chance an angel used the internet. He would wear a black mask that would hide his upper face, which he deemed sufficient.

They asked him to shower and to come out in just a towel then sit on the couch after they gave him the money. Oskar advised him to wash everything in depth and helped him manage his hair when he came out. Sitting down, they asked him some predetermined questions, though they balked at the idea of him technically being a virgin. So they will avoid that question all together.

"So, do you prefer women or men? We cater to both of course and I hope that's ok." The director asked him.

"I do not identify with any sexual orientation, I find both sexes…beautiful. It's the soul that counts."

"That's deep man, well, enough about you, do you want to start?" That was the queue for him to remove the towel and begin masturbating. Slowly, as he was instructed he got up and removed the towel. Following the directors instruction, he posed in various positions before he settled down on the couch. Not really knowing what to do, he tried to manually stimulate himself that had some success. His penis was becoming aroused, his breathing slowed and he reveled in the pleasure he got from sliding his hand up and down.

The director told him to play with himself like pinch a nipple or cup his balls, which he did and the sensations that came over him was a bit much to process. He doesn't know why he imagined Dean as the one touching him though. For a moment, he was confused as to why his mind used Dean as a fantasy when he knew quite well that Dean was heterosexual in general. At the moment though, he didn't care, he was so immersed into these new sensations to care about any implications.

He was fully erect now and at the tip of his penis came a clear slippery fluid that help lubricate his hand. When he swiped his thumb under the glans, the pleasure became tenfold. He particular enjoyed pinching his nipple when he did that. He also knew he was making sounds that he couldn't control. Knowing he had to pace himself, he slowed down a bit and tried to keep his hands away from his dick, which was feeling very heavy and somewhat painful. Taking a silent directive from the director, he let his hands run over his body.

Jimmy had a regimen to jogging and exercise to maintain his health, and it was evident on how taunt the muscles were beneath the skin. The only hair he had was around his genitals and under his arms, otherwise he was mostly smoothed skin. Right now, he felt hot and every time he ran his hand against his chest or thigh, he still thought of Dean doing it. Just the thought made his dick jump a little and leak a bit more. It was becoming unbearable to not touch himself, so he resumed his manipulation of his very swollen penis.

It was not long it before a tightness formed in his stomach and he could feel his balls tighten. Knowing this was a prelude of ejaculation, he closed his eyes and imagined Dean when he first saw him. The bright shining soul that was so so beautiful. One more swipe of his thumb and he was over the edge, and for a moment, everything blanked out in pure bliss.

After he came down from the natural high, he looked around at the film crew. "Holy shit man, how long has it been since you jacked off last?" asked the camera man.

Still a bit light headed, he answered, "never…"

"You have to be serious because I never seen anyone bust a nut so big. Damn. You might be our new poster boy if you let us do some sex scenes with ya."

"Not likely, I must resume my journey. Though this was a most…pleasurable experience."

Oskar gave him a towel to clean himself, "you're telling us, you basically coated the ceiling. Go ahead and take a shower. Damn, I think we can wrap this place up. That was…mind blowing man."

Giving a small smile, he took off the mask and took the third shower for the day to clean himself. Once under the water, he tried to recall the feeling he had just experienced. If this was just himself doing this, he can hardly imagine what actual sex would be like. More importantly, he wondered why he thought of Dean being the source of his fantasies.

Dean was central to his life and he was closer to him than he was to any other human. The man had showed and taught him so much. He does genuinely care about Dean more than other person in the universe. He was also one of the very few friends he had in the world now. It should be no surprise that Dean would play a part in his fantasies, but he couldn't at the moment say if it was just coincidence or not. Now that he was human, emotions he was able to keep in check he can no longer do so, such as desire.

Finishing the shower, he would think about such revelations later. Now he had enough money to get to Kansas, or close to the bunker at least. Exiting the bathroom, the small film crew tried to plead with him again to do more, but he declined. Giving up, Bill gave him a card to contact them if he ever changed his mind. Leaving the hotel, he made his way back to the truck stop.

Once there, he bought an energy bar to get some change. At the lone payphone, he dialed Dean. It went straight to the voicemail, but hearing Dean's gruff message made him smile, even if he did not know why. "Dean, I am hoping to find passage to Kansas near the bunker. It is my hope you are ok and know I will get there as soon as I can." Hanging up, he approached a man smoking what smelled like a joint.


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide.
> 
> If any of these are triggers, please do not read!

"Dean, you can't on doing this. I'm not going to come in your dreams anymore if you're going to drink yourself to death."

"Then came back Sam, don't leave me down here alone. It's too much man."

Sam sighed and crossed his arms, "dude, I'm dead. For good. I did what I had to and it cost me, but it was cost I was willing to pay. I'm happy here Dean."

Those words hurt more than any knife. "Sam, I got no one. There is no happiness here for me. Maybe I should end it, there's no need for me here anymore. I…I don't have a reason to live."

Sam punched him hard on the head and he flew back on the grass. "Don't even think it you selfish bastard. I didn't sacrifice myself so you can blow your brains out. You're the greatest damned hunter the world has ever seen Dean. There's still a lot to do."

"But I don't want to do it alone! We're a team Sam!"

"Dammit Dean, how many times do I have to say it, you are not alone man."

He woke up with a start again. This was the third blackout dream he's had where Sam showed up. Other times he blackout by either drinking or taking pills, he was out with no crazy ass dreams. But then Sam started showing up in them. It was creepy enough to have Sam in his head, but he would take that over a dead non-talking Sam any day. So what if it was just a dream, dreams were supposed to be happy and fulfilled wishes. So he wasn't happy, but what's new with that? At least Sam was there. And it could really be him, talking to him from Heaven?

He groaned, the hangover was setting in now. The pounding headache was joined by the cold and ache he had by sleeping outside. It was dark now, and he was pretty sure it was daylight when he was up here. The past couple of days he had spent 'tending' Sam's grave. He wanted to put a small fence around it, and of course get a headstone. His brother deserved that much at the very least.

However, he kept on confusing when he took the meds and when he drank, which was pretty much all the time. If he wasn't drinking, he was going to get a drink or sleeping. So all he had accomplished were some random holes all over the place. He wasn't this bad when his dad or Bobby died, but he had someone there to help him cope. This time it was only Jim Bean to keep him company.

What was bothering him was who Sam kept on referring to. After a while, he figured it could only be Cas. It was the only person to make sense. Cas was MIA though, and he still hadn't gotten around to checking his phone. Though he did remember to charge it though, which it was doing so in his bedroom. Still hadn't checked it though, doing that meant going back to the real world, and he wasn't ready for that. Not yet.

* * *

 

The day of the shoot he had no luck on finding a ride east to Kansas. All the drivers were heading either south or west. He waited out the night nearby and tried again the following day. At least the driver he first spoke to sold him some joints, and he was in a much more relaxed mood now.

During the night he tried to process what he had done, pleasuring himself for others to enjoy. It was curious to know that other people would use his body as a source in their own sexual fantasies. That idea he found…intriguing, and somewhat arousing. Angels did not have a libido, but they were curious to a degree that led some to develop one. This included Balthazar, Gabriel and small number of the Host, especially the ones that gave rise to the Nephilim. He himself had not participated though the longer he was on earth, the more he wanted to see. Admittedly, kissing Meg was not his preferred choice in hindsight, though the demon had offered often.

Also, the concept of sexuality escaped him, being a celestial being precluded having a gender. He was simply Castiel, using the masculine in any language to identify him was purely based on his vessel. Had he taken a female form, the angels would automatically conform to the new gender. Enochian though was a genderless language, which was why it was so difficult for many to decipher. However, he still had to reconcile why he imagined Dean in his fantasy.

Dean, was the best of his knowledge, which was extensive, is heterosexual and had not engaged in same gender sex. American society placed a great emphasis on masculinity in men, and Dean was more than happy to display his. He also knew Dean secretly loved some characteristics that might be deemed feminine. And he had expressed an attraction to one Dr. Sexy. Still, if Dean were to find out he was the source of his first ever sexual fantasy, it would not go over well. As he understood it, he cared for Dean deeply, but the bond they had was platonic. Yet he knew there was something more, even if he did not understand it.

It was midday when a driver offered him to take him to Kansas. The man, named Ken, was to take some of his load up to Phillipsburg, which was relatively close to where he needed to go. Agreeing to give him fifty, he hopped into the cab. It was a large semi and had a living area behind the seats. Ken explained that he was a private contractor and did small runs in the mid-west. He was more than happy to give a ride to him especially since he was willing to pay.

Calculating the speed and distance they were going he could expect to be at the bunker in a day. The ride began cordially, with Ken telling him stories that he doubted were true. The man was heavy built with a what was called a beer belly, but not fat. His arms which were bare since he was wearing a cut-off shirt, were muscled and hairy. He also had a thick beard that was long and wore a cap, but his hair and beard were a reddish hue.

Offering him a drink from a cooler, Cas accepted the refreshment without concern. It was bit salty but still very sweet, and he did not like the carbonation. Still, it was impolite to turn it down. After he had finished the bottle, he began to feel dizzy and tired. Asking if it was ok to rest a bit, Ken just patted his leg and said that it was all right.

* * *

 

It was dark and he was under some trees when he opened his eyes. His head was pounding and it when he tried to get up, there was a sharp pain in his anus. Blinking, he tried to remember what happened. All he recalled was being back at the truck stop…and that he was being driven. To Kansas, to Dean. Trying to fight through the pain that was throbbing, he had to get his bearings.

His legs seemed weak and none of his limbs worked as he commanded them. It took a minute for him just get enough focus to stand upright. That was when he noticed that his fly was undone and his shirt was on backwards. It was then it clicked in his mind, connecting his pain to the state of his dress. He had been drugged and taken advantage of. There was a sick feeling pooling in his stomach as he realized that.

Someone who he can't even recall had raped him. The feeling of being violated made him tremble and he sank to his knees, which only caused him more pain. There were tears in his eye from the physical pain but also the feeling of being powerless. He may be fallen, but he was an angel still. Now though, now he felt  _dirty_  and used. And he had no idea where he was.

He had to get moving, he had to get away from wherever he was. Seeing that his bad was nearby, he crawled to it and checked his meager belongings. It was untouched, and it appears he had been only raped, but not robbed. He would have preferred to have been robbed. Getting back on his feet, he began walking alongside the road.

It was painful to walk, but he pushed it down. It was likely he was making the injury worse by walking. There was one small hope, he was very near the bunker, no more than twenty miles he estimated. Apparently whoever did this did take him most of the way and dumped him near Athol. Whoever did this apparently meant to leave him to give himself time to make an escape. Just focusing on getting to Dean, he gritted his teeth and pushed forward.

 

Dawn was beginning to break when he reached the bunker door. He figured that he had walked a couple dozen miles and was deeply tired. The bleeding had ceased thankfully, but walking was still painful. It was likely he would need some medical care but Dean was the only one who can provide that at the moment. Seeing the black Impala, he never felt so happy and sad in his existence. Now that he was here, he was reminded of all the wrong he had done. And what had been done with him.

Knocking on the door, he called out for Dean to open. When it didn't open, he banged on the door until his strength gave out. He crawled beside the Impala after a while and rested his head against the dark metal. Tired, shamed and feeling dejected, he passed out from sheer exhaustion.

* * *

 

"You should wake up, he needs your help son." Bobby said.

"Oh shit, you too? Can't anyone stay out of my head?" He looked around to what looked like Bobby's place. "Where's Sam?"

"Talking to your mom. Listen Dean, you're not alone."

"Don't give me that crap Bobby. Are you talking about Cas? Because he's ignoring me. Again. So I don't care if he's the only family member I got left."

"Idjit, did you ever stop whining and think  _why_  he was wasn't coming at your call? I know Sam is the smart one but you had a brain too last I checked."

"Well, the bastard flew off to fix Heaven and left me high and dry!"

"Boy, you better wake up now before I kick your ass."

Apparently the threat of dream Bobby kicking his ass was enough to wake him. He was running low on whiskey so he had decided to take the sleeping pills so he can have a clear head to drive to another store. Reflecting on that his latest dream, he looked at his phone. There were some missed calls and a couple voicemails. This was his personal other other phone, which very few people had the number too. He went into voicemail and he heard Cas. ' _Dean, if you get this, I am heading to Denver. I'm…human. I'm sorry about Sam Dean, but I need your help. I'll try to call you again._ ' Cas was human? Shit. He listened to the next message.  _'Dean, I am hoping to find passage to Kansas near the bunker. It is my hope you are ok and know I will get there as soon as I can.'_ Looking at the phone, he saw this was dated yesterday.

Jumping out of bed, he showered quickly and put on some clean clothes. Cas could be out there, nearby trying to get here. Cas was human now, and that could only mean trouble. The angel had a hard enough time being near-human last time, now he was alone trying to find his way back to him. Was this what Sam and Bobby meant that he wasn't alone?

Swinging the door open, his search ended as soon as it began. Cas was right there, next to the Impala. "Cas…" he said amazed. His angel did it again, he came back to him. He looked exhausted and beat up. "Cas!" Running over he shook the now very weak looking angel awake.

Cas opened his eyes slowly, "hello…Dean."

"What happened man? Where you hurt?" he asked frantically searching for the source of his injury. Cas looked down and he saw a tear come down his face. "Cas?"

"I…I think, there might be a tear."

"A tear? What…" the look Cas gave him answered his question. Cas shifted and he winced when he reseated himself. There were only one thing that could have happened. "We have to get you to a hospital Cas." He slid his arm under his friend and lifted him up. Cas winced and hissed at the pain of being moved. "I'm sorry Cas. I got you though, you'll be ok."

Opening the door to the backseat, he let Cas slid in with his help. Once he was in, he jumped in the driver's seat and started the car. Racing down the road, he was happy that Cas was back. The guilt of him not being there, he felt responsible for Cas being…he couldn't even think it. He had seen Cas burn out demons like nothing. Knowing that he had been violated, he couldn't bear it. This was one him. If he had only gotten his head out of his drunk ass, this wouldn't have happened.

There would be time to wallow in misery later though, his best friend needed help and needed it now.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

"There are trace amounts of GHB in his blood, that much we are certain. The anal fissure is not severe in itself and will not require surgery. Blood works also showed no STD's and other than the trauma and fatigue, he's healthy." The doctor explained to him. "He's lucky you found him Mr. Hendricks, there was a high possibility he could have developed an infection." She stepped closer to him, "he's going to need therapy, a lot of men have problems trying to deal with what happened to them."

He nodded, though he couldn't believe this had happened. The guilt of not being there for Cas was tearing him up. If he only had checked his phone, he could have stopped this from happening. "Is there anything he needs?"

"Company, keep an eye on him. He'll heal and I'll give you instructions on what to feed him and to alleviate the pain. The pain should be gone in a couple of weeks, but the GHB might have some side effects like dizziness and diarrhea. Otherwise, we can release him today. After the police come of course."

"Yeah…the police." he was not looking forward to dealing with them. Preferably, he wanted to hunt the bastard down himself.

"Sadly, I don' t think they'll be much help. There wasn't much…evidence, and he has retrograde amnesia. He can't recall anything from anything before yesterday afternoon." She placed a hand on his shoulder, "he's going to need your support. He said you're the only friend he has since he has no family." She patted his shoulder and took her hand away. "You can see him now if you like."

"Thanks doc." he replied quietly. Slowly he walked over to the door where Cas was and stopped to collect himself. He should be the last person to talk to anyone about this. His ethic was to work through the pain, no matter what. In Hell he had been violated in so many ways, but he couldn't remember details, it was blurred like it was walled away. Cas might have had a hand in that, and he privately thanked the angel for that.

He couldn't do the same for him though. Cas as just as human as he was. While he was lying about in an alcohol induced stupor, Cas was out on the streets. In the cold with no help, no direction, no nothing. Yes he was mourning Sam, but that was still no excuse. He had only himself to blame for letting his best friend get raped and get dumped on the side of the road like trash.

Taking a deep breath, he entered the small room. Cas was lying on his stomach to relieve the pain, so he couldn't tell if the man was awake or not. "Cas?" he asked cautiously. He saw Cas tense up and tried to look back to see him.

"Dean." he said in a defeated voice that broke him to heat. "Are you doing ok?"

The man was in a hospital after being suffering an attack and he asks if  _he_  was doing ok. "I should be asking you that Cas." He walked over to the chair and pulled it up to the bed so Cas wouldn't have to strain his neck.

"I believe that evidence speaks for itself Dean. We are in a hospital since I am…damaged." Cas hung his head before lying it down on the pillow. "They tell me that I will heal in time and that I was not infected with anything. Supposedly, that is lucky." There was a bitterness now in his voice. "It is…frustrating, not remembering what happened."

"Yeah…but do you want to remember Cas?" he asked looking at him. Cas avoided contact with his eyes.

"I suppose not." now Cas looked at him, "I'm sorry Dean."

"What? What could you be sorry for Cas?" he asked surprised with a bit of worry.

"If it wasn't for me, Sam would still be here. All the angels would still be in Heaven and none of this would have happened."

He didn't want to say it, but he wanted to agree with Cas. If he hadn't pulled Dean to do his own mission, Sam might be alive. On the other hand, if he hadn't, they would have never known the trials would have killed Sam. It was easier to blame himself or Cas for what happened that night, but the truth was, there was no one to blame. And that made him angry, because it was unfair. If there was no one to blame, there was no one to hurt, to seek revenge on, to vent out on.

"Cas, it isn't your fault. Nothing could've saved Sam." he said softly, for himself as much for his friend.

"But Dean…I deserve to have this happen to me. Not just Sam, but what I did in heaven, for letting the leviathans outs, for breaking Sam's wall, losing your trust. I…this is my punishment."

"Bullshit Cas! Yeah you did stupid things back then, but I've long since forgiven you. No one, and I mean no one, deserves to be…to have done to them what you went through. I'm sorry that I wasn't there to help you when you needed me man. This…" he said looking around the room, "this is on me. If I wasn't trying to drown myself in whiskey, I could have gotten you the first time you called." He took Cas's hand, "Cas, you're the only friend and family member I got left. I need you." A tear rolled down his cheek, "I'm so sorry man." He rested his head on the side of the bed, so Cas wouldn't see him tearing up, because he damned near lost him too.

There was silence for a moment before he felt Cas's shaking hand on his head. "Dean, it's ok. We're still here. I'll be…ok."

* * *

 

He was discharged later in the day. Claiming his ID was taken, he gave them a fake social security and filed the police report as best he could. The officer was compassionate and assured him they'll do all they can, but was honest enough to admit that there was little chance they can find who did this. Frankly, he didn't care nor did he want to remember who did this to him. All he wanted was to sleep and forget that this all happened.

The damage was not extensive and he should heal fine on his own, but they prescribed him some ointment and pills nonetheless. They also gave him a list of foods to avoid and encouraged him to eat plenty of fiber. Dean insisted on a wheelchair and wheeled him out to the Impala. Once he was in the car, he felt comfortable because this was familiar. More importantly, he felt safe, especially when Dean slid next to him and began to drive back to the bunker.

It was quiet, there wasn't even music to listen to. Each of them were absorbed in their own thoughts. Now that he was in a sitting position, he felt the pain still, but it was dulled by the pain medication he was given. It also had the effect of making him 'loopy' as Dean called this dizzying feeling. What he wanted was to smoke the joint he still had stashed in his bag which was in the trunk.

"You'll have to excuse the place Cas, I…kinda lost it after Sam." Dean said as they were closer to the bunker. "The library is a wreck. And I'll have to go out and get some food too." He just nodded still looking out the window. "I…buried him up near the hull by the entrance."

"You didn't cremate him?" he asked turning over to Dean.

"I can't. I wouldn't burn my baby brother Cas. He's buried in a special coffin, so Sam won't come back as a reverent or zombie." Dean replied keeping his eyes on the road.

"You think he might come back?"

"You never know, death doesn't seem to stick well with any of us."

He doubted Sam would be resurrected, being a lack of angels or god in Heaven to do so. There were also no more demons to deal with anymore. Then again, each of them had survived death multiple times, so it wasn't unreasonable. "Perhaps. What about the prophet?"

"Kevin booked out like he promised. He hasn't tried to call or anything. The kid can make it now with hell closed, he'll be ok." Dean sounded like he was sorry for letting the prophet go as well. He had truly been alone in the bunker for the past couple of weeks. "So…all the angels got booted out because of Metatron? He stole your grace?"

"Yes, he had recruited some of the other angels when he killed Naomi to trap me. One on one, I could have defeated him, but I was outnumbered. I had meant to stop him, but he got the better of me."

"Damn, so we got angels all over the place then?"

"Yes, with most of them wanting my head. They still retain a portion of their grace though they cannot fly. I do not know if the old wards and banishing sigils will still work on them."

"So…we gotta lay low while we figure it out then?"

He nodded, "yes, though I am no hurry to do so. They still have their powers, and I believe that them being on Earth may teach them more about humanity."

"Or they can go crazy and try to take over the world." Dean added sarcastically.

"I do not believe so Dean, if anything, I think they would want to return to Heaven. Also, if they are still linked, they might know the truth that it was Metatron who did this and not I." It was a hope, and even if it were true, that doesn't mean they still didn't want his head. He had devastated heaven itself and killed thousands of angels. A wave of dizziness washed over him all of a sudden at the thought and leaned forward for support.

"Whoa there Cas, you all right?" Dean asked concerned.

"Dizzy spell, the medication warning did say this might happen. I think I would rather smoke a joint."

Dean twisted to look over him with a concerned look, "you smoke weed now?"

He frowned, "you do not approve."

The hunter sighed, "no, not really. I smoked a bit back in the day. It's surprising just to hear you say joint."

"Would you care to join me Dean when we get to the bunker?" It was only polite to offer to share he learned.

He crinkled his forehead in thought, "you know what Cas, I think I might."

* * *

 

He hadn't smoked in years, not since Sam started hunting with him again. His brother disapproved of using drugs in any form, being a health nut and all. Then again, Sam did have muscles and could easily outpace him any day. Not that he didn't have muscles…there were just hidden slightly. It wasn't like he was crazy back in the day, but had done a number of drugs in the period between hunting alone and Sam coming back.

And he wasn't going to tell Cas no, if it relaxed him and made him feel better, then he's all for it. He knew there was no way they could go to a therapist. Cas was so weird he would be back in the mental hospital. He could stand to relax a little too, this thing with Cas had drawn his attention but his thoughts always circled back to Sam. His heart was still raw and the guilt he already had was now being piled with new guilt.

He couldn't help but think of the future Zachariah sent him to though. Cas was a drug dazed hippy sex guru there, and human. Like now. He looked over at Cas, who was looking out the window with a glazed look. This Cas was human too, and he already knew about marijuana, and he had been…well, he didn't want to talk about that. It was possible that Cas might use sex as a coping mechanism…he does. But that Cas was the product of a different future, this go around was different.

"So…how did you get introduced to Mary Jane?"

Cas looked over, "who is Mary Jane?"

He smiled a little, "marijuana, it's a code name for it. It's not legal in most places."

"It's legal in Colorado I am told. It was Sky, the man who brought me to Denver, who gave me my first hit. It was ineffective but the second time was very pleasant. Did you smoke Dean?"

"Oh yeah, I did. Smoked it every which way, rolled, in pipes, bongs, brownies, the whole shebang Cas. Mostly back in high school and when…back in the day at least. Not so much anymore, it does affect your reflexes." He glanced over at Cas again, "you like it then?"

"I do not think it is addictive, but it something that I find useful. Though my motor control is already affected by the current medication. Perhaps I should not smoke, it does make me cough."

He pulled up the dirt road to the bunker, "mind if I put you in the room across from mine? In case you need anything?" Cas nodded again. "We'll have to get you some clothes too and other stuff."

Cas yawned, "its ok Dean, we can take care of that later. I think I am feeling tired and sleepy. I think I might go to bed." Cas stretched out but winced when he moved to much. For a moment there it was like Cas was ok and Sam was just waiting back at the bunker. The reality came back where Sam was dead, he was a drunk and Cas survived being raped.

"Yeah, ok."


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

"Do you want to take a shower first Cas?" Dean asked him as they got out of the car. "I can get your room ready while you do."

Wincing from the discomfort, he simply nodded. A shower would be a nice distraction before he went to bed. At the moment he was feeling 'out of it' as Dean would say due to the medications. Sleep was the only thing he wanted to do, because it offered oblivion. Being led down to the bunker, he was glad he had made it, and that he was with Dean now. His purpose though originally was to take care of Dean, to watch over him in this trying time for the man. Not the other way around, but then it wasn't exactly like he planned on being taken advantage of. The pain reminded him of that, and though that will fade, the mental damage would take time.

His confidence in himself was shaken, which was fragile enough as it was being human. He was an angel, a being a celestial origin and filled with the light of Heaven. His touch used to burn evil itself. Now it had touched him, used him in way that was still inconceivable to himself, damaged him. In a sense, he was happy that he did not recall what actually happened. It was a teetering thought in his mind, the desire to want to know and the fear that kept him from fully embracing that.

In either case, he would not like the result. For now, he was tired and a shower offered a simple way to cleanse himself of some of this worry. Dean lead him to his room, which was indeed across from Dean. There was the smell of whiskey in the air and he had stepped around some broken glass. Lost in his own thoughts though he hadn't paid attention to the rest of the bunker. Dean had warned him that it would be a mess, which was understandable. The man had needed a way to vent after such a loss that he had suffered.

Dean turned around to face him, "so…do you have like, any pajamas or sweats you can sleep in?"

"No. I just slept in whatever I was wearing."

Sighing, Dean looked at him with sad eyes, "well, unless you want to sleep in the buff, I think I have spare sweatpants I never use. Guess we'll have to go shopping for you soon."

"That would be appreciated Dean. Where is the shower?" he asked. There was a tenseness coming off from Dean that was making him feel tense in return. Though he was a guest in his home, which was a new thing for both of them, so it was understandable.

"Down the hall, last door. You need soap or anything? Maybe shave that fuzz?"

He touched his beard, which was somewhat fuller than it had been in Purgatory but like then, unkempt. Last time though, he used his grace to remove the hair. It was getting itchy and bothersome though. "I do not know how to shave Dean."

Dean arched his eyebrow, "want me to show you? Or…uh, do it for you?"

Looking down in embarrassment, he thinks, he replied, "yes…if that's ok." Dean touched his chin and he jumped back as a reflex. He looked at Dean who looked surprised then sorry. "Sorry Dean, it would be appreciated if you did so."

"No problem man, it's ok. You gotta be still though when we shave you alright?" He nodded. "Ok, so let me grab those pants and we'll get started."

* * *

 

Cas jumping at his touch twisted his gut a little bit. He should've known better, the man was probably cautious about being touched in any manner, especially if he wasn't expecting it. All he wanted to do was reassure him that it was ok, and you look someone in the eye when you do. He and Cas communicate a lot when they look at each other he realized. It defies description and he pretends it doesn't mean anything, even if it does. Not even Sam and he could communicate in such a fashion.

 

Getting the clothes, he double checked they were clean. It would be embarrassing to hand Cas his dirty clothes to wear, and insulting. They were though and he walked down to the showers. Placing them on the ledge for Cas, he saw that Cas already had his shirt off though he kept his pants on. Grabbing a hand towel, he opened up another razor for Cas to use. He also grabbed Sam's shampoo off hand, not really thinking about it.

"All right Cas, so you want to wash your face with warm water first. Some guys shave after they shower, I prefer to do it before. Use warm water to open up the pores." Cas nodded and did as instructed. Handing him the towel, Cas dried his face as he grabbed the shaving cream. "Next, we put on the shaving cream, makes it easier to shave and protects your skin. You can dry shave, but you'll get razor burn way easier if you do that."

"Razor burn?" Cas asked as he squirted the foam in his hands.

"Yeah, shave off the top layer of skin, it's annoying and itches if you do that. Come here." Gently, he put the foam on Cas's face, who flinched a little bit at the contact but otherwise stayed still. Cas kept his eyes glued on him though, seeking reassurance from him. "Don't worry Cas, I got ya. Just stay still 'k?" Cas nodded.

Pulling out the razor, they both faced the razor so Cas can see what he was going to do. "So, it's pretty simple, just do what I'm going to do in the future. Go slow with a little bit a pressure and go against the grain. Now stay still." He started at the left check, going up. Cas's face twitched a little bit as the hairs were pulled a bit, but he kept still. He continued, cleaning the razor after every swipe. He rested his hand on Cas's bare shoulder and he felt him tense for a second but then relax. It was only a few moments, but he when he was done, he looked like his Cas again.

"There we go! All done. Looking good Cas." he removed his hand from Cas and Cas looked at where it was before looking at him with sad puppy eyes.

"Thank you Dean." was all he said, but the way eh said it was so small, so sad. It made him feel bad because there wasn't any more he could do for his friend. All he could do was little stuff and just be there.

"No problem man, listen, you take your time, and I'll get your room ready." Cas nodded and with that he headed out the door.

He was alone in the shower room, which was communal but had small stalls for privacy. Dean had left a bar of soap for him and what he suspected was Sam's shampoo since it smelled like him. Turning on the shower, he found a setting that was near scalding when he stepped under the water. It only burned for a little but as before, he relished the sensation of the water washing away the grime. Slowly, he began washing his hair and worked his way down. His anus still hurt but it was becoming a dull ache as he relaxed under the water.

There was a wash rag that he used in conjunction with the soap to scrub every inch of his body he can reach. Except for his genitals, he gave that area a quick wash, hesitant to touch himself there. He was more careful with his ass, keeping in mind his injury and took his time. After the shower he would have to apply an ointment to help him heal as well as numb it. He wasn't able to bend or lift his legs without some pain, so he legs also got a quick wash. After all the suds were cleared, he just stood under the water.

All the while, he was both imagining what had happened to him and the more pleasant recent memory of Dean shaving him. Dean was doing what he could to be there for him he knew. Under normal circumstances, Dean would've just given him the stuff to go figure it out himself. Yet he had taken it upon himself to show him, and he rested his hand on his shoulder. Reaching up, he felt where Dean rested his hand and sighed. It comforted him that Dean was here, and though he might be damaged, he can be here for him too.

Finishing the shower after what felt ages, he gently dried himself and applied the ointment. He didn't have any clean underwear so he put on the clothes that Dean had left him without them. They smelled like their owner and that relaxed him even further. Stepping out of the shower room, he headed to his room. Dean had tidied it up and even pulled back the covers for him, placing an extra blanket at the end for his feet. His backpack was empty and opening the drawer, saw that his one pair of clothes were put away. His personal effects, including the joints, were neatly placed on top.

Smiling, he laid down on the soft bed when he heard Dean come in. "I know it ain't much Cas, but this is your home now. You'll be safe and ok here all right?"

"Thank you Dean." Dean offered a small smile and was about to close the door, "wait Dean, don't close it."

Dean looked at the door and then back to him, "sure, no problem. I'll try to be quiet, just rest." With that, he walked away and into his room, but he didn't hear the door close from his end either. He must be keeping it open so he can keep tabs on him. That offered him assurance he didn't know he needed. Nestling into the sheets and breathing deep the scent of Dean, he fell asleep.

* * *

 

While Cas was in the shower, he took the liberty to clean up the side bedroom. This was across from his and it only made sense that Cas be near him. It was just them two now in the huge bunker, their home. It amazed him how quickly he came to think of this place as theirs, and not just his and Sam's, but now just his and Cas's, like he expected Cas to live here with him. It occurred to him that he had no idea Cas would want to stay here.

Shaking off that fear, he put away Cas's few things from his bag into the dresser. It wasn't much, but he still put them away. He was hoping that the coat was in here, it was such a part of Cas that seeing him without it was still a little weird. It wasn't there and that made him sad. Besides being part of what he identified as Cas, he kept that thing when he thought Cas was dead from the leviathans. He didn't know why he kept it, taking it from car to car, when he could have easily left it at the cabin. Maybe he knew that Cas was still out there…or was it his way of coping with the loss?

That year when he though Cas was dead, he would admit he drank more than he usually did. Both the death of Bobby and Cas was a lot to take, especially with Sam going crazy with his wall broken. He had felt alone then too, but even crazy, he still had Sam. Then he got Cas back, and he was just plain happy to see the guy. Not that he would ever tell anyone that, he had to keep his emotions in check after all and there was Dick to deal with at the time.

Once his stuff was put away and he hauled a spare blanket to the bed. Pulling back the covers like a hospice service, he check sure the lamp was still ok, he turned off the main overhead light to give the room subdued lighting. Pulling out his phone, he had to make a call while Cas was still in the shower.

"OMG! You're alive! Do you know how many times I tried to call you?"

"Hey Charlie, sorry about that, I've been…preoccupied."

"No sweat Dean, so you and Sam, you guys know what's happening. All the blogs are abuzz with supernatural activity about angels."

He bite his lip, this was going to hurt them both. "Charlie…Sam's dead. He sealed the gates of Hell." There was silence on the other end, but he did hear her land on something, like couch or bed in shock.

"I'm…I'm so sorry Dean. Are you ok? I can come if need me too." there was a lot of emotion in her voice and he knew she was fighting back tears.

"I'm…holding it together. Listen, I need a favor. Cas also went to shut down heaven, that's why there's angels. But he's human now, like full on human. I need some paperwork on him, fake ID's, the works."

"Uh…sure thing Dean. Is he ok too?"

"No…not really Charlie." It wasn't his place to tell her he was raped, but then, he still had trouble accepting that it happened still, even though he was responsible for it happening. "We're…holding it together. That's the best we can do at the moment. But if you can do that for me, that would be great. Bobby and Sam usually…they usually did that stuff."

"No problem Dean, I can do it. But are you sure you don't want me to come, because I can. I so totally can, it's no trouble."

"No…not right now if that's ok. I know you want to help, but if you can do that, it would mean a lot to us."

She sighed on the other line, "alright. I'll get to work on it. Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you too."

"Thanks Charlie." At that she hung up and he put his phone away. It was then he noticed a card in the hallway floor, picking it up, he tucked it in his pocket as he heard Cas coming out of the shower room. He went into his room for a moment to allow Cas the liberty of exploring his room. Deeming enough time, he walked over to Cas's room to check up on him.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

He left the door opened as requested, knowing Cas asked for it because of what happened. It was understandable, he would want to see whoever was coming in his room too. Being enclosed in a small space can seem frightening, and he would not care to admit it, but he had a case of claustrophobia after he came back from hell.

Heading into the kitchen, he took care to be loud enough to be heard but too loud to be distracting. Taking note of what he had in stock, which wasn't much, he began compiling a list of what he needed to get. Since Sam began the trials and got sick, he had taken care of the cooking. It was something he can do that made everyone happy. Bobby usually never let him cook because of that one time he nearly burned down the house making bacon. At Lisa's he proved himself to be a capable cook and it all it took was access to a kitchen to restart his culinary skills. He had to be careful on what to make for Cas though, to ensure the no more damage is done to him.

Completing that, he turned to make something to eat from his limited stock. Maybe he should go out now since Cas is asleep and get some shopping done. That would mean leaving him alone though, and if Cas wakes up with him gone, he might freak out. This was not a time for the guy to be alone. Well, it wasn't a time for him to be alone either. Though this is not the way he wanted Cas back, he's glad that he is. Maybe Dream Sam will leave him alone now.

Perhaps that what the dreams meant, it was a warning, a plea for him to get his head out of his ass and find Cas. It was too late now, but he was here at the bunker now. Now he couldn't exactly drink himself stupid because he had to be there for Cas. Cas may have done a lot of stupid shit in the past, but he always did what he deemed best. It hurts still the times that Cas ignored his opinion or did not ask him at all in some things because maybe some things might have been avoided. Between them, they had enough guilt to sink the Titanic.

There were still a half dozen bottles in the box that he never bothered to unpack he could still drink. Looking at them, he put them away in the pantry, he didn't feel like drinking right now. He could use a beer, but he's clean out of that. Sighing, he opted to drink water instead. The kitchen was cleaned as he waited for the beans and rice to boil. The list said high fiber foods is what Cas needed to eat, along with fresh fruits and other 'healthy' stuff that he generally avoided. That was Sam's thing, all the organic stuff he crammed into his mouth. Sometimes he wondered if Sam was truly a moose just missing his antlers with all the green stuff he ate.

Sighing, he sat down. Sam was still very much on his mind, all this craziness with Cas though kept him from falling into that hole of misery though. He missed Sam, and he always will, he was his brother after all. It was he who pulled him out of the house when he was a baby, he who went to hell for him, he who had sacrificed everything for his brother. It has been less than a couple of weeks and the wound from that was still very much raw. Cas was just another one, but in a way it was better, because Cas he can fix, he can still take care of. He can't do that with Sam anymore, but at least Sam was free of this world.

Once the food was done, he set them aside so Cas can eat them when he woke up. He had a small bowl himself and walked over to the library. It was still a mess and he needed to clean it up. The room still held the ghost of Sam though, and he didn't want to break down in there, not with Cas needing him to be strong. But Cas would probably want to study in here though, so he needed to tidy it up. Setting the bowl down, he set the table upright and placed all the books on the floor on it. With the broom, we swept up all the glass and tossed it in the garbage. Deeming that sufficient he headed to his room to get some sleep as well.

* * *

 

It was dark, and it felt like he was in a cramped small space. The air was thick, smelling of sweat and musk, all sounds were distant and if he was hearing things through water. Then the pain came, stabbing but every so often, something pleasurable exploded in him as well. This was confusing, what was happening? He was scared, something he ever hardly felt, worse, he felt powerless. He tried calling out to stop, but his voice failed him. His limbs did not respond to him, every thought was dizzying and nauseating.

"Stop!" he called out waking up. His breathing was haggard and the shirt he was wearing was clinging to him because of the sweat.

Dean rushed in, "Cas! You ok?" He was wearing his sleeping clothes as well and it looked like he was just woken up.

He shook his head and began to cry, "no Dean, I don't think so." Bringing up his hands top his his face, he curled up into a ball. The feeling of helplessness, the violation was so large and consuming, all he could do is wail in futility at the injustice. He wanted to say he didn't do anything to deserve this, but a part of him said he did. With all that he had done, he deserves much worse than this. Oh, how far he had fallen.

Then he felt warm arms around him and he violently threw punches and he heard Dean hiss in pain as one connected with his jaw. Looking down, he saw that Dean was on the floor rubbing his jaw but looked at him with such sadness and…helplessness. "I…I'm sorry Dean…I didn't mean to…"

"It's ok Cas, your safe. You're home, and I swear nothing is going to happen to you. I'll kill them first before they get anywhere near you." He rubbed his jaw again, "you still got a mean left hook man."

"I…think…I think I remembered a little bit." he said after he calmed down. Dean kept himself at a distance, not sure on whether to approach him or not. Truth be told, he wanted Dean to be far away as possible and not see him in this state. On the other hand, he just wanted him to stay there, to comfort him.

Dean sat down in a chair he pulled up beside the bed. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Did he? He remembered nothing, all he knew was that something had happened. This might not even be a memory, it might be his human mind playing tricks on him. As an angel, he had perfect memory recall. Since becoming human, he had to deal with the limitations of his body, including his brain. Is possible that his mind might be trying to cope with what was done to him, and he didn't want it to. He didn't want to remember, he wanted to forget it.

"No." he said simply. Maybe if he doesn't indulge this…hallucination…it would be buried, forgotten. Then he wouldn't have to face it, Dean wouldn't have to deal with him being damaged. He can resume being himself, working to regain his grace. With his grace, he could bury it easily, disregard it handily.

"Are you sure Cas? 'Cause I read that it helps if you talk about." Dean said concerned.

"I said no Dean." he replied flatly. "I…don't want to even try to recall what happened. Preferably, I want to forget that it happened." He looked over at Dean who looked pained and saddened.

"Well, I'm here for you man. You want anything?" he asked as he got up.

"I…would like something to do. I am rested enough, I can do something." he got up from the bed. The pain wasn't as bad but he still made a small winced face. "May I go to the library?"

"Of course, this is your home as much as mine Cas. You don't need to ask permission. It's kinda a mess so be careful, I might not have gotten all the glass."

"Thank you Dean." he looked over his friend, "did I wake you?"

"Me? Naw, I'm fine. All I need is a couple hours." Then he yawned. "Just need some coffee that's all. Want some?" As they both headed out the door. He saw into Dean's room and saw that he did indeed wake the man up. Feeling guilty that he disturbed Dean again, he just hung his head low as he headed to the library.

It was disorganized, a good portion of the books were on the table. Most of the artifacts were not in the place he recalled them being but rather just on top of the shelves. There was also a missing light fixture from the wall. There was also the faint smell of whiskey as well, telling him what fueled Dean's destruction.

Lifting up a book at random, he looked at the cover and then at the shelves. This one was dealing with legends of Scandinavian monsters. The one underneath it was about Mayan ritual practices. Sighing, he saw that the books were in disarray. Then it occurred to him that he can busy himself organizing the library. He knew that this was something that was Sam would have done.

Of the two, Sam was the more intellectual academic one. Dean never cared much for lore or research beyond how to kill something, though Dean had a surprising amount of knowledge on some obscure topics and lore. Of course, Dean never really let on all he knew to fool his opponents. He knew Dean was highly intelligent and intuitive.

He looked over to where the kitchen was, which was out of his sight. Dean was being loud again, assuring him once again he was there. Walking over to the shelves, he tried to make sense of the Men of Letters organization system as he thought more about Dean. With the loss of Sam, he knew Dean is putting on a brave face for him, but was also hurting too. He had held that man's soul and he knew he was an empathetic soul, sensitive. Dean just hid under layers of machismo and humor.

"Hey Cas! Want something to eat? Beans? Yogurt?" Dean bellowed from the kitchen.

"Water is fine." he called back.

Dean came over to the library but stopped at the threshold. There was hesitation about him coming back into the room so he moved out to the main chamber. Letting out a breathe, Dean followed his lead and sat at the map of the world table where he set down the drinks. There was a whiff of whisky from Dean's coffee and he figured he must've spiked it. That was not surprising as Dean used alcohol as his preferred coping mechanism.

"There is whiskey in your coffee Dean." he pointed out.

Dean squinted his eyes at him, "so?"

"Can I have a shot?" At that, Dean's eyes widened. "If you're alright with that of course."

"Ah…sure. Let me get you a glass." Getting up, he was gone for a minute when he came back with a small glass for him. "Just one shot ok?"

It was his turn to squint at Dean, "and if I wanted more?"

Dean poured the shot and looked at him back with an equally intense stare, "are you planning on getting drunk?"

He smirked, why he was being confrontational all of a sudden escaped him though. "Maybe I do."

"Why?" Dean asked, a question that annoyed him for some reason. However, he said it like he was defeated and hurt, and that deflated him just as quickly as it annoyed him. Perhaps the medication is altering his moods.

"I…it seems to be a way to cope with things I suppose. You do it." He replied looking at the map instead of Dean.

"Yeah, I do. And if I hadn't , we wouldn't be here." Dean said. "No changing that, and let me tell you from firsthand experience, it solves nothing Cas. I know that, but…I guess habit keeps me drinking. I think Purgatory was the longest I ever went without a drink." He sighed, "but if you want to, I'm not going to stop you. I'm the last person to tell you not to drink."

Looking up, he saw that Dean was also looking down at the map. He had his hands flayed out on the table and he looked at them instead. After a moment, he laid his hand on top of Deans, making Dean look up at him, but he didn't move his hand. Turning his hand over, he traced the lines in his palm with his finger. "It is just superstition, the belief that your future is written in your palm. You upturned your destiny Dean, and became something greater." Dean's hand was callused from all the weapons and hard work he does. It was still warm, if rough, and it was calming for him to do this. Suddenly, he dropped the hand. "Apologies Dean. I believe the medication that was given to me has been altering my state of mind."

Dean looked at him, almost as if he was pouting, sad at the loss of feeling. Taking his hand back and using it to life the coffee, he drained it all in one go. "It's…alright Cas. I know the meds can mess you up."

"Dean?"

"Yeah Cas?"

"I miss Sam."

Dean closed his eyes, and his voiced hitched a little when he spoke. "I do too. It feels…I feel like part of myself is gone Cas. Yeah, I've done my thing without Sam before, but this time, I know he's gone." Opening his eyes, he looked at him again. "For a while there, I was hallucinating him…and you know what he kept on telling me? 'You're not alone', over and over again." A tear fell down his cheek which he quickly wiped away. "I think he was trying to tell me to go look for you Cas. You think he might have? From Heaven?"

It was rare for a soul to visit the living in dreams, that was something only angels could do. Sam would somehow find a way, he was a Winchester and they were adept in defying the norm. "It is…possible. If anyone earned entrance into paradise Dean, it was him. I had meant to find him after I dealt with Metatron. Obviously, that did not go as planned."

"You were going to find him? Bring him back?" Dean asked hopefully.

"Find him yes, but it was not in my power to bring a soul from Heaven back to Earth. Even if I could, his body was damaged beyond repair; he would have died shortly afterward again."

"Oh." Dean said defeated.

"I wanted to find him to talk to him, to see if there was a message I could relay back to you. You were mad at the time at me, and I hoped that such an act would comfort you." he confessed.

"Doing it for me again Cas? You always seem to be doing it for me." Dean mumbled.

"Who else is more worthy than you Dean?" Dean looked back at him with a confused look, so he elaborated. "You showed me free will, you opened my mind to the possibilities other than what I was ordered to do. You stood your ground against archangels, and even when I was possessed or insane, you fought and stayed by me, by us all. You have saved the world Dean, more than once."

"Sam did too Cas. And he's dead now." Dean said softly. "It should've been me Cas. I was supposed to be the one to do the trials. I would've done them even if I knew I was going to die, because then I would put those sons of bitches in their place for good." He got up. "I think I'm…going to lie down." Looking over at Cas before he stepped away, "you good Cas?"

"No, but I'll manage. The library system of the Men of Letters used is straightforward, I can occupy my time organizing." he replied getting up himself. "It's not like I'll be much use for anything else anyway."


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

Dean backtracked to him and before he touched him, he asked, "may I?" Not knowing what Dean wanted to do, he nodded and Dean embraced him in a hug. Dean was warm and smelled like leather, motor oil and whiskey. He simply held him and unable to stop himself, he nuzzled into Deans neck before the tears began to flow. Why he had started crying he didn't know, but at this moment, he felt safe and he could let all his defenses fall. He wrapped his arms around Dean and he felt him through the thin shirt he was wearing. Dean was rubbing his back and mostly supporting him, soothingly talking to him in his ear.

* * *

He and Cas stood there for a while. It was not possible for him to ignore the Cas's self-flagellation. Cas may no longer be an angel with all that mojo, but he was always more to him than just a tool. When he lost him for the first time, he knew Cas was more than just a powerful ally, he was a friend, his best friend. Strike that, he was family, even though he wasn't blood. And now, he was all that he had left of his family.

Once he felt the tension leave Cas, the man just held onto him and cried. It was a bit jarring for him to see such a human emotion from him, but it tugged at his heart and he felt the pain Cas was feeling. That sense of helplessness, of despair and shame…it had ruled his life for the past couple of weeks and drove him to drink to oblivion. The loss of his brother broke him, broke him further than he ever imagined. What Cas had happened to him was the worst of humanity had to offer, the very people he had given his life to protect. Life is unfair, it is cruel and it is pitiless.

They still had each other though, damaged as they may be. Cas was held onto him like his life depended on it, and he supposed it did. He was the only other person Cas had in all existence. The words he spoke the night the gates of hell closed came back to him and it made him feel horrible.

"It's ok Cas, I got you." he whispered over and over. He ran his hand up and down Cas's back like he did when Sam was still kid. He was supposed to be the one who looked out for Sam, and he's going to look out for Cas too.

"I don't want to go to sleep again Dean…I'm…scared of what I might dream about." Cas said breathing on his neck. His voice was small and broken, and it damned near broke his heart too.

"I know…I still dream about Hell. What I did there, and was done to me. You really can't control your dreams, but you gotta sleep sometime."

"How?" asked, resting his head on his shoulder. "How do you deal with it?"

"Well…you know, I sleep only when I absolutely need to and no longer."

"Your four hours?" He felt the Cas's mouth move against his shoulder. "You know that is not the recommended amount of sleep for an adult Dean."

"Yeah, well I'm not your average guy Cas. But I trained myself, you being new and all, I don't think that's an option for you." Cas wrapped himself tighter around him, but if it comforted the guy, he wasn't complaining. He brushed his hand against Cas's hair, which smelled like Sam's. "But you're safe here Cas. I'm here."

Cas exhaled, "I sometimes changed your dreams to more pleasant ones when I still had my grace. I wish I can could that still, for both of us."

"You did that? When?"

"I was supposed to keep an eye on you, and I sensed when you had nightmares. They would nearly cripple you and my orders was to ensure you were whole so you can fulfill your destiny."

He never knew that, that Cas did that for him. He has had plenty of nightmares, ones that still chill his blood and constrict his heart. Thinking about it, that didn't really start until after Lucifer was released, when Cas was cut off from Heaven. Then it clicked, "is that when you started watching me sleep?"

Cas brought his head up so he can see his eyes, which were red still. "Yes. You're…at peace when you rest, a state you are not usually in. It was something that as an angel, we couldn't comprehend dreams and sleep. Now that I can sleep, I do not want to out of fear."

Letting Cas go reluctantly, he only let his arms drop but they were still in close to each other. There was another tear coming from Cas's eyes that he wiped away with his thumb without a second thought. "Well, it's weird and freaky when with you standing over me when I wake up." Cas looked down. "But…I'm ok with that. It was…also kinda nice. I used to do that when Sam was still small, just watch him sleep. I know dad did too, on both of us sometimes. Guess it's just a human thing to do."

Looking back up, Cas seemed somewhat better that admission. Cas reached up and ran his hand down his face, "you look so much more at ease, younger even when you sleep Dean." His hand lingered on his jaw where he punched him earlier. It still stung a little, but the warmth of Cas's hand was soothing. He was oddly ok with this. Slowly, Cas withdrew his hand and looked like he was blushing. He was right, his moods are fluctuating considerably, Cas was angry ten minutes ago, a sobbing mess less than a minute and now blushing.

"So…well, we're both up. What do you want to do?" he asked. He just drank a cup of coffee and Cas was so riled up it was unlikely either one would go back to sleep. With Cas now feeling and displaying emotions, it was also necessary to keep an eye on him. Being new to being human and such, his friend was likely not understand what he was feeling. It was times like these he wished Sam was still here. Mushy emotion stuff was his turf, not his.

Glancing over to the library before turning back to him, Cas shrugged, "I do not know. Organizing the library does not seem…appealing at all."

Dean spent the time since he first got the bunker just poking around the rooms. Or being in his room, which he hasn't had since he was a kid since he had to always share. Otherwise, he hadn't had the chance to install in fun stuff, like a pool table or a flat screen. Not between cases and the whole trial thing began. So distracting things for him and Cas to do was basically zilch, cause he wasn't about to have Cas join him watching porn.

Oh, they didn't have to watch porn, they could watch a movie instead. It'll have to be a on his computer though on its small screen. He was now kicking himself not getting a TV at the store. Store! Sure it was an hour away but they needed to get Cas clothes, and food and now, a TV. And movies. Smiling he looked to Cas, "well, if you want we can go shopping. It's about an hour away but we need to get you some clothes and stuff around here. Otherwise, we can watch a movie on the computer but it's a small screen."

"I would prefer to not…to be in an area where people gather in number." Cas said timidly. Ok, that shot down that idea. He'll have a to go shopping himself then sometime later. Guess they had to go with option two.

"That's fine, I suppose we can watch a movie or something." How were they going to do this? Maybe just let Cas watch a movie by himself while he does something else? Which was what, clean? They could watch a movie together but that meant being real close to each other. And the only comfortable place he can do that was on a bed. His preferably 'cause it was awesome. Maybe he can read a book while Cas watched? But he also wanted to watch with Cas since it would be his first movie and probably wouldn't get half of it anyway. Looking at Cas, he saw that the man was waiting for him to decide with the sad lost looking eyes. "We can watch on my bed, since its comfy. Grab your pillows, guess we're having a sleepover."

Cas smiled faintly and walked over to his room while he followed suit. There was a slight limp in his gait and that reminded him of what had been done to Cas. What he, or actually, what they both needed was each other's company. The need for him to have a drink had subsided since Cas came back. Once in his room, he turned on the computer when Cas came in with his pillows. Dean waved over to his bed and Cas plopped himself down.

"This mattress is…different from the one in my room." Cas remarked, poking at with his finger.

"That's cause it's memory foam…it remembers me." he replied with a hint of pride. Best damn bed he ever bought. Only bed he ever bought at that.

"I brought a joint with me. Perhaps we can smoke it?" he held up a decent size joint. He forgot about that entirely, but he wasn't turning it down. It'll relax them both and if they do it together, then he can keep an eye on Cas. He didn't want to have Cas go all hippie on him.

"Yeah…no problem." Dean grabbed his lighter and hopped in bed after he put his pillows in a manner that he sit up right. Cas was beside him but not at all to close, a respectful distance. At this point, under these circumstances, personal space was reduced to zero. He laid the computer in the space between them and took a look at the joint. "Haven't smoked one in ages. You want to light up first?"

Cas's checked turned pink, "I do now know how. This would only be my fourth time and the previous instances the other person had already ignited the marijuana."

He had to chuckle, "it's light up of something like that, not ignite. No one uses ignite Cas. But here, I'll do it." Cas handed him the joint. "I think we should watch Star Wars, cause it's classic and awesome." He light the joint and inhaled. Damn, this stuff was top notch, though he had to cough a bit. It has been a while. He handed it to Cas as his play.

Cas took a smaller his before he passed it back to Dean. He held it for a bit as the he got up to turn off the light. He took a small hit before he handed it back to Cas. "You're going to enjoy this Cas, it has everything, great story, action and lightsabers." Cas nodded as he took a longer drag. He could feel it already working, or at least he thought it did. It was good quality, he'll give it that.

The music started and he and Cas paid attention to the screen. He mostly watched Cas watch, like a proud parent watching their kid make their first goal. Then the ships came into view and he saw the wonder in Cas's eye open up a tiny bit. Good thing he picked sci-fi, Cas would've corrected any historical or supernatural movie. "Hey, pass it over," he asked after Cas took another small hit. Looked like it had another two hits in it, and he thought that was enough. The beginnings of a high were already effecting him and he just let it flow.

He was so enthralled at the movie that he didn't ask for another hit, but it was his and the pleasure of ending it should be his. "Cas, want the last of it?" he asked poking him in the shoulder. Cas didn't even flinch, so he was relaxed as well then.

"No, you can finish it. I believe I am…what was the term, 'high'?" Cas replied not even looking away from the screen.

"Sure…hey, want to shotgun it?"

At this, Cas did turn to him confused. "Shotgun?"

Pausing the movie, he elaborated, "yeah, I smoke, and blow some into your mouth, that way we can both finish it." Then his brain caught up and he realized that he used the surprise kiss by shotgunning trick. This was Cas though, he wasn't going to kiss him.

Arching his eyebrow, Cas also blushed before nodding, "yes…that would be ok."

Smiling, he leaned in closer as did Cas. Smoking the last of it, he held it his mouth as Cas came really really close to his own lips and opened his own. He blew into Cas's mouth before inhaling the rest and Cas did the same before they both exhaled at the same time. They looked at each other afterward and for a moment, he felt... _something_.

Shrugging it off, he scooted closer to Cas and wrapped his arm around him. Cas just leaned in and rested against his chest when he hit play. The computer was now on his lap and together, they watched the movie side by side.


	11. Chapter Eleven

==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

* * *

 

 

It was interesting to do this 'shotgun' with Dean. To his understanding, shotgun can now mean either the weapon, the front passenger side of a vehicle and now, apparently this. Human euphemisms can be difficult to keep track of. In order to do this, he and Dean moved closer than Dean usually allowed him. The concept of personal space was something he did not understand until he became human. Especially after…the incident happened. Whenever anyone was near, he was nearly paralyzed with fear, even if it was Dean.

Right now though, and earlier in the library he allowed Dean to be near him, and vice versa. The marijuana was already relaxing him and he watched this peculiar film. However he suspended his usual skepticism for Dean and relaxed against him. With Dean's arm holding him as he laid his laid his head on his chest, he could hear Dean's heartbeat. He tuned out the film, becoming suddenly tired again. The effects of his medication and weed were making him sleepy.

There was more to it though. Dean was being more than just there in words, he was there wholly for him. Since the incident he felt less than even human, he felt…small and weak. He was once an angel of the lord, able to fly in the space between worlds, seen life begin on this planet, feared no evil or mortal being. He also had little knowledge on human sexuality and its attendant emotions, not to mention the social ramifications. When he did that scene back in Colorado, he had his first true sexual experience. And all the while he was pleasuring himself, he was thinking of Dean.

Thinking of Dean in a sexual context was entirely new to him. Now looking at his memories through a human mind though, he could sense that there was underlying attraction for Dean that he always had. At first he thought as an angel it stemmed from his lifting Dean out of the pit that leant to the bond they shared. As the years went by though, he grew more and more attached to humanity, to the Winchesters, to Dean. The hunter was the first to set free his conscious, allowed him to feel as no other being had.  Dean was the one to unlock the shackles that kept his own free will chained…not once but twice. Was it an inevitability that their relationship would reach such a place?

If he was an angel still, it was unlikely. He could've set aside those emotions or ignored them. More than likely he would have been confused by them. More confused than he actually was now truth be told. Being human allowed to think and feel as a human, and to him, their bond had now taken a new light. For himself at the very least, he was not sure about Dean. They both had been through major and traumatic in the past couple of weeks.

Instead of trying to understand the full totality of what was happening, he focused on one aspect. This was one that was relevant right now because of his position on being on Dean. His sexuality was something he never thought of as an angel. Sex was not necessary in heaven, though some angels developed a curiosity about it and partook in it. If people wanted to express their love or seek physical pleasure with members of their own gender, then he saw no problem with it. As such, he could not choose or decide to have a sexual orientation because it made no sense to him.

To Dean it does make sense given the society and culture he was raised in. To his knowledge, Dean is an avowed 'ladies man'. If he ever found out he was the source of his sexual fantasy, it was likely Dean would become upset. He had no intention to let Dean know, or let it go any further than this. The incident had deprived him of seeking out sex since it was forcibly taken from him. Was he attracted to Dean? Yes he was, and in a sexual manner, but he neither had the will or stomach to admit it the man. So though he may be in a prime position to capitalize on making sexual overtones to Dean, he would not. For now, he was comfortable to be against Dean, feeling his body heat and hearing his heart. Steadily, the rhythm lulled him back to sleep.

* * *

 

Dean felt Cas fall asleep somewhere around the part Alderaan was blown up. It was weird having a guy asleep on his chest, in his bed. On the same coin, it also felt ok, and not because he was doing this for a friend in need. He wanted this because he also needed someone to be there for him, and this was Cas. The angel that saved him from hell and death so many times he lost count. The angel that was now a man, but a man that was still Cas.

Having a warm body next to him made him feel less alone, and that made him feel better. Cas wouldn't do anything funny, though he couldn't explain why. So he let Cas stay there, but he turned off the computer and put it aside so Cas can sleep easier. Dean could relate to what Cas was going through, even if he had the worst parts of his time in hell blocked. He also knew there was not magic pill, or drink to make this go away. This was one of those things that time could only heal.

Time was something they kinda had plenty of he supposed. With all the demons stuck down below, all their trouble making schemes were done topside. Crowley was human and now stuck on this side. In hindsight, was it a good idea to let him go? Probably not, but if Cas hadn't taken him, he would've killed him. Yeah, there were still monsters and now angels milling about, but to his knowledge, no one was actively trying to being the world to an end. Even if they do head out for a hunt, it was still a long ways off. Neither one of them were fit enough to go on one.

"Dean…" Cas said softly, making him jump a little as he looked down. Cas was still asleep but snuggled closer to him. They way Cas said his name, it wasn't like a cry for help or the voice he uses when Cas it correcting him. It sounded like it had longing in it, a forlorn hope even. Now that was weird and he got a little bit uncomfortable. He hoped Cas was having a nice dream, but not that kind of dream. Not with him in it. He was rethinking this now when he then stopped. He is overreacting, Cas could be dreaming of anything and it's not like he had any control of what he dreamed. Hell, if he could control what he dreamed, he would be at the stripper joint or fishing.

His left arm was still behind Cas so he curled it, cocooning the smaller man. Maybe it was the weed, which was good, that was making him more relaxed about this. He remembered when he had his first smoke almost two decades before. He knew a fair share of hunters used it to help them unwind, though dad and Bobby disapproved and didn't. Even so, it was more than available in the many schools he went through and he did recall that one time he made a bong in arts class. The teacher even gave him pointers on how to do it right.

It's 2013 and they were pretty close to the messed up future that Zachariah sent him to. That future had been made void though since they did stop the devil. He guessed the reason why Cas was so messed up then was because he became a unfeeling jackass. Not this time though. He wasn't going to begrudge Cas a way to relax because he became a hippie orgy enthusiast in a future that wasn't going to happen. Besides, Cas had to learn for himself the things he likes and doesn't. He can scream till he was blue in the face to not do something, but Cas will still do it. If Cas had had a childhood, he guessed he would've been one of those quiet rebellious ones who had to learn the hard way. Figures, angel was a rebel in heaven too.

He leaned away and put the computer on his bed stand so he can get into a more comfortable position. It wasn't like they were spooning, Cas was merely using him his pillow. It was like an unsaid deal, Cas would feel safe beside him and he wouldn't feel alone. This was one night he can go to sleep without drinking or taking pills. This was something he can do, and more than just tonight.

* * *

 

Cas woke up rested and comfortable. Once he did wake up he realized that he was alone. A cold chill of panic rose up in him and he froze. Did Dean leave him? Was he so disgusted that Cas fell asleep on him that he abandoned him? He knew it, he pushed him away. Dean had to be repulsed by him.

"Oh good, you're awake." Dean said with his head poking through the door. Smiling he asked if he wanted breakfast. He just nodded yes in amazement that Dean was still here and did not in fact abandon him, but was making him food. His stomach growled at the prospect. The pain was still there, but it had retreated to the back of his mind. Dean zipped away when he nodded and he heard him holler something about pancakes.

Coming into the kitchen, it was all abuzz with music and pots clanging about. Dean looked over at him from the stove. "I made beans and rice last night, so I think we can have burritos for lunch or something. I'm making pancakes cause that's all we have left. We need to go shopping today."

The pancakes smelled wonderful, and he anticipated eating them. "Thank you Dean. Is there anything to drink?"

"Coffee but you're not supposed to have that. I guess there's still tea that Sa…that we have. Something organic or healthy I guess. There's milk but…I think I might have gone bad."

He opened the fridge and looked at the milk carton. Opening it, he sniffed it. It made him gag. "I think the milk has indeed soured."

Dean chuckled, "can you dump it out and throw it away? I'll put on some water to boil for tea then. Should be in the pantry, second cupboard."

Doing as instructed, he went into the panty and looked at the variety of teas available. It must have been Sam's since he has never known Dean to drink anything other than beer, soda or coffee. No wonder Sam always tried to encourage Dean to eat healthier. He would also endeavor to eat healthy and keep his body in shape. There was no way of knowing when, if ever, he would get his grace back.

Selecting one that said it had calming qualities, he turned around to Dean setting a plate of pancakes and eggs down for both of them. "Water will be done in a moment, want to eat now though?"

"Yes, I am quite famished."

"Word to the wise Cas, no one says famished. Especially since we meet Famine." Dean replied while sitting down.

He also sat down and poked at the eggs before taking a small bite. It tasted amazing, being soft and warm, fluffy with a hint of pepper. His first inclination was to eat as much of it as he can, but he had learned from the streets to pace himself. Taking your time to eat makes you feel fuller, not to mention aids in one's digestion.

"You like it?" Dean asked looking for approval.

He finished chewing before he answered, "yes, it is very good."

Dean smiled then he got up, coming back to bring him a cup of hot water. Placing the tea bag in to steep, they both continued eating. Dean poured a bit of syrup on his, but he liked only a sparse amount but with plenty of butter.

"So…did you sleep ok Cas? You went under before all the good parts." Dean asked before shoving another bite into his mouth.

"Yes I did. Sorry about not watching the movie, I was…comfortable." He wasn't sure on how Dean was still taking him sleeping in the same bed with him. Happy as Dean might seem right now, he knew the man was capable of 'putting on a face' as the saying goes.

"So was I. Listen Cas, I was wondering…" Dean hesitated. He was sure he was going to insist that he sleep in his own room. "I was wondering if you want to do that again tonight. You feel better when I'm there, I feel better you're there." Dean said that rather fast and looked down, though he can see that he was red in the cheeks. "I haven't slept that well in weeks, not without passing out drunk or sleeping pills. And I can wake you if you have a bad nightmare…or something."

He did not expect this, but the reasoning was sound. It was comforting to know Dean was right there. There was no nightmare either, he didn't even dream he thinks. All he can recall was how safe and warm Dean was, that it was ok. There was also more to it than Dean getting better sleep, he knew Dean wanted him there to keep him company. If they both together alleviate their own shortcomings, then why not?

"I think that would be preferable Dean, though I do not want to make you feel uncomfortable."

"Naw, it was nice. It's like when Sam," he saw the light n Dean's eye flicker at his brother's name, "when he was still little, he liked to sleep with me. Well, we kinda had too, but he liked it because if he had a nightmare, I was right there. So I'm cool with that."

"Your bed is more comfortable anyway." he replied offering a small smile.

"Memory foam Cas, it remembers us." Dean winked.


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

 

* * *

They spent the day organizing the library that he still felt uneasy in. It was always Sam's domain, being the brain of the family. Cas though paused every time a book caught his attention, which was practically every one. He could see that this was the place that Cas would probably spend his time. The concept of lying low and taking your time was foreign to the guy. Cas wanted to find a way to help the angels back into heaven, and possibly restore his grace.

All he wanted to do was gank Metatron purely on the grounds of taking Cas's grace. There was the other banishing all the angels to Earth thing too, but mostly for what he did to Cas. The guy had played on Cas's need to redeem himself, to do the right thing and turned it on him. That alone made him a douchbag, but taking his grace? That he equated as basically gutting his friend, and you hurt one of his family, he'll chase you to the ends of existence.

At the moment, they had no leads to follow. Their best hope had lied with Kevin translating the angel tablet. Anything that's on the tablet Metatron would know since he wrote the thing though. He was thinking it might be better to try to find another way to deal with him, and that meant scouring the files and books here in the bunker. There might not be much since something like this has never happened, but if they have to make their own ritual then so be it. Granted, he had no idea on how to do that, but if there was a will there was a way.

"This collection the Men of Letters have is extensive. I doubt that any other library had this wealth of material, not since the fall of the Library in Alexandria." Cas remarked paging over yet another book.

He looked up from the shelf he placed the latest book on, "you were there?"

Cas didn't look up, "no, but it was a loss for humanity that day. The library then was more than just a repository of knowledge; it was a center of learning. Once the original was burned, it never regained its imminence."

"Well, Sam said that there are thousands of years of knowledge here, and then there is the vault to in the back. We haven't had a chance to really look at everything." He walked over to the table and picked up another book.

"It is remarkable that you and Sam are legacies of the Men of Letters. Even I did not know of this detail of your family history."

"Were they known to heaven?"

Cas looked up aimlessly in thought, human mannerisms were beginning to make itself apparent now. "It's possible, but if we did, then I never knew about it. I was relatively low on the hierarchy."

Putting the book away, he came back to the table and plopped himself into a chair interested. Cas never talked about what it was like in heaven, but there were some things he was curious about. "So how did you get dealt the job of finding me?"

"I wasn't." Cas supplied putting another book away before setting himself down at the table as well. It was mostly cleared and the ones that were on here were ones they wanted to read. "It is better described that I found you purely by accident. Though I attributed it to divine intervention, still do in fact."

That's interesting. "Weren't you the leader of a garrison? I always thought it was your mission to find me."

Cas sighed but looked like he was reliving a memory. "Yes, I was before I was reeducated. It was our purpose to guard the flank of the other garrisons as the archangels were supposed to locate you. The demons put up a greater resistance than we anticipated and broke some of our lines. I became separated and found you by chance."

"Hmph, a chance meeting in Hell. Suppose that's one way to meet." He mused. "Well, everything is sorted for now. I was thinking we head out later to the store."

Cas looked at him with a hint of fear of going outside or being left alone. There wasn't a choice in this matter, either Cas stays or comes. "Now I don't want to leave you here by yourself so it would be great if you came with Cas. 'Sides, I need to see what fits on you. We'll go way later though, when there isn't much of a crowd."

Looking somewhat ok with that plan, Cas nodded. "I would prefer that. Thank you."

"Cool…in the meantime you're gonna hit the books then?" Cas nodded and opened the one closest to him. "I'm gonna go clean the weapons, it's been a while since they've been serviced." Walking away, he went to retrieve the weapons. He planned to clean them on the other end from Cas since there wasn't a work bench in the range. It was mostly because he wanted to keep an eye on the guy though.

* * *

The library contained a book an virtually every subject he could think of, and there was still the files and vault he had to explore. It was easy to see why Sam loved it here, this was more suited to his tastes. And it was also the reason why Dean avoided it until now, because it reminded him of Sam. There were times when Dean would mention Sam casually, and other times when he couldn't. Dean was still processing his grief about the loss of his brother. He was too in his own way. Sam was the more empathetic Winchester, easier to talk despite his imposing physical stature. Dean and Sam balanced each other out, and now Dean was coping with the new reality, just as much as he was.

Perhaps he should go outside and pay respects to Sam at his grave. Dean only mentioned in passing that Sam was buried close by. He thought that burying the body is a hazard, but it is impossible for Dean to do so. To do that would be to admit Sam was never coming back. Granted, they had all survived death numerous times, each one of those times was a miracle. There was possibility yes, but it was highly unlikely.

Several hours later after he tired of reading and Dean finished cleaning all the weapons, Dean showed him how to use the computer. He was using the internet to browse the news and research sites bookmarked on there. It became obvious that this was Sam's laptop because all the sites were all academic. He wanted to ask Dean why but Dean just simply said to take care of it because it was his now before he could. Not wanting to force Dean to explain why, he accepted the gift. This was far more complicated than the cell phone he had previously. Now he needed a new one, since he couldn't hear prayers or zap anywhere now.

Reading articles about the 'freak' meteor shower, he found that once again the world at large remained blissfully ignorant on what was truly happening. Since he encountered an angel after the fall, he knew they retained their strength and powers to a degree. It appeared that they were keeping a low profile as well. Being suddenly banished to earth must have been a shock to many. They must be trying to figure out how to get back home…or find him. The one thing the fall appears to have curtailed was their ability to fly. Thus his only defense was to outrun them if he encountered one. As long as Dean and the Impala were nearby, he was relatively safe.

Some hours later Dean declared it was time to go. Heading to the shower room, he found that he did indeed needed to now use the restroom facilities. This was something he had been dreading, but keeping in mind what he was told, he relaxed and let it pass. There was still a little bit of blood, but he was going to shower next to clean himself fully. Repeating what he had done before, he was presented on a stool a pair of jeans and t-shirt. They smelled of Dean so it was obvious he was lending him his clothes again. Part of him wished not to go shopping for clothes for himself, he liked wearing Dean's clothes.

It was an hours ride to the nearest shopping center and before they went shopping, they stopped at a diner. His appetite was something he had been getting used to since becoming human, since the incident though, he only ate when he absolutely needed to. However, the diner was filled with delicious smells that made his mouth water. It was also mostly vacant since it was a late hour. There were just them and the staff apparently. Dean seemed pleased with himself for bringing him here, and was delighted to find they had pie.

"You're going to love pie Cas, it's the best thing ever. Period." Dean told him gleefully over the burger he was eating.

"Because you have an almost fanatical desire to consume pie does not mean I will enjoy it Dean." he replied over his club sandwich. "This sandwich is good. I like the tomatoes in it."

"Oh god, don't be a rabbit food eater like Sam." Dean said worriedly.

"I plan to eat healthy Dean, now that I am mortal I have maintain this body. Also, tomatoes are good for you, especially for men and their prostates." Taking another bite of the sandwich, he looked over at Dean.

"Dude, don't ever discuss prostates at the dinner table. If you want to eat like a rabbit, fine, but I'll have some real man food thank you."

"Wasn't there a case where you suffered a heart attack when you were aged drastically?" he asked casually.

"Shaddup Cas! It was a witches spell ok? I'm fit and healthy now, so can we drop the health talk Dr. Oz?" Dean retorted before stuffing his face with his overly stuffed burger with bacon.

"Very well Dean. Though I did clean your arteries when I healed you last so please be careful. I want you to live a long life."

"Thanks man." Dean said with a full mouth. The waiter came over to check on them and took an order for two pies. "So we're just going to shop for some clothes, food and a TV. You're not going to fall asleep to Star Wars next time Cas."

"I couldn't help myself, your bed was comfortable and you were warm."

Dean panicked a bit, "Cas! Don't say shit like that in public. They'll think we're gay or something."

He frowned, "oh, I'm sorry Dean."

Sighing, Dean smiled a little at him. "It's ok, lets just say what happens in my room stays in my room."

"Uh…here's your pie sir." Dean froze.

"Thank you." he replied since Dean was turning a bright shade of red and not facing the waiter. Once the plates were down, the waiter seemed to hurry away. Picking up the plate, he looked at the pie, which was a pecan pie. Taking a bit, at first he found it overly sweet but the nutty flavor and texture balanced it out. Humming in pleasure, he looked at Dean, who was watching him intently. "This is good. I think I like pie."

Unfreezing himself, Dean smiled though he still had a red tint to his cheeks. "Awesome. There's so many different kinds of pie too Cas. Just wait until we hit the road, I know some great places for pie man." Picking up his own fork, Dean cut off a slice for himself. "Mmmm, this is good homemade pie." He rubbed his belly, "it hits the spot every time."

He arched his eyebrow, "'hits the spot'? I do not understand, the only thing it's hitting is the acid in your stomach for digestion."

Dean rolled his eyes, "it's a saying Cas, just means it makes you feel good."

"Oh. Then yes, this indeed does hit the spot." He finished his pie sooner than Dean did. "Can I have another?"

"You lecture me about eating healthy and you want a second helping? That's rich Cas. Sure, why not, and have it 'a la mode' this time. It's better with ice cream." Dean smirked.

Calling the waiter over, he asked if he could have another with ice cream. Nodding, the waiter left back in a hurry and was back in under five minutes with the pie. Setting it down in front of him, he used a spoon to scoop some of the ice cream and pie. Dean was right, this was much better, the creaminess added to deliciousness of the pie.

"You want some Dean?" He asked since Dean was looking at him eat it. Dean looked at him and he read in his eyes that he did. Using the spoon he used, he got the pie and ice cream and leaned over to Dean so he can take it in his mouth directly. Dean took it though and smacked his lips to get a drop of melted ice cream. He continued using the same spoon to feed them both and he thought he heard an 'aw' from the kitchen. So did Dean who blushed again and told him to eat the rest himself.

After the diner, they went to large store to buy clothes and food. It was a mega-center apparently, and they could do all the shopping in one place. Since it was now late in the evening, it was mostly deserted. He could handle small groups of people he figured, as long as he kept their distance. They stopped at the clothing section first. Dean was mollified since he was going 'commando' so they bought boxer briefs, then undershirts. The pants were easier and Dean let him choose what henleys and over shirts he wanted.

They also had to get him a jacket, but they only got one since Dean had a couple back the bunker. Dean expressed his sadness that his iconic coat was thrown away. To him, it was just a coat, though he was fond of it as well. Why Dean was more sorry about its loss than he was, he did not understand. Shoes were next since he was wearing Dean's since they were the same size. A pair of durable hunting boots and sneakers. They finished his wardrobe with miscellaneous things like socks and other personal care products. Dean said he could keep the sweats.

Deeming clothe shopping done, Dean efficiently went through the grocery section. He did request some more fruits and Dean indulged him. When they came to the frozen food isle he say that they had frozen pies. However, Dean refused to buy them since they were not in fact 'homemade'. Frowning, he failed to see the difference but followed Dean's advice. It was about an hour they spent in the store before heading back.

He helped Dean unpack everything, but his clothes he placed on his bed. Opening the underwear he slipped one on before putting on the sweats since he was feeling tired. They were going to sleep in the same bed together again, and the prospect made him both anxious and happy. The good out of this arrangement though heavily outweighed his trepidation though.

Walking into Dean's room, he saw Dean was already there changing into his own sleep wear. Turning around, Dean looked as nervous as he was, but he motioned his arm to his bed. Quietly, they set themselves up on opposite ends, not touching like before, but close enough to feel their body heat. Dean had his back to him and turned off the light.

"Night Cas."

"Good night Dean." He replied. He wanted to reach out and touch him, but he would not intrude on his personal space. After e few moments, he tried to find a position he liked, but he couldn't find one. Lying on his back, he just stared at the ceiling until he heard Dean move. He felt Dean's hand wrap around his own and he immediately relaxed. It was only a few moments before he entered the realm of sleep.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

* * *

 

 

"Good call Dean. Sleeping with Cas is a good idea."

"Whatever Sam, it's not like we're sleeping _sleeping_ together. Not after what happened to him. Remember when you got bad nightmares, like after you watched  _It_?"

"I'm never forgiving you for that Dean, but yeah."

"Well, I used to hold you to let you know that I was there to protect you." He chuckled, "that was when you were still shorter than me."

Sam sighed, "I remember. Promise me one thing Dean."

"What?"

"Don't freak out." Sam looked around wherever they were. He never remembered where he and Sam spoke in his dreams.

"Freak out about what Sam? If this is another warning or prophecy, just say it in plain English dammit! Last time it cost Cas…it just cost Cas a lot ok?" He stepped forward to his brother. "Just please, say what's going to happen Sam, I can't…we can't take more. We're barely holding it on as it is."

"I know. You take on too much Dean, you always do. More than ready to help others or save them, but not yourself. You already know that Cas needs you, and you know you need him. He can be more than just a crutch Dean, a focus to ignore your own pain. Cas has always been there."

"Hell he is, I mean Cas is family, but he hasn't always been there when I needed him."

"No Dean, Cas has been there when you needed him, not always when you wanted him. There's a difference. Guy is so loyal to  _you_ , and to no one else. Not even god and he's a frikking angel Dean."

He huffed because he knew Sam was right. Cas might not always do what he asks, but he does do it for him, because of him. "I know he is. But what do you mean freak out? Is it about Cas? C'mon Sam, you can't leave me in the dark here."

"You should wake up Dean. Remember, don't freak out."

* * *

 

"God your tight." Someone said. There was a sense of being full on top of the searing pain. Everything was hazy when he tried to open his eyes, which didn't seem to respond to his sluggish mind.

"I think he's coming to man, should I get the stuff?"

"Naw, he's still out of it, we won't remember. Hand me the lube now will ya?"

There was a cold wet sensation and then he remembered the thrusting pain again. He tried looking around but he couldn't move his head. Then he realized he was on his stomach, that's why it's hard for him to breathe. All of a sudden, through the pain there was brief sensation of pleasure, a moan…or was it a groan escaped his mouth.

"Sweet, I hit his g-spot. Let's see it I can hit it again." The man tried to control his aim and he succeeded in making him moan again. "Bitch likes it."

"C'mon man, you busted once already, I think it's my turn."

"Hold your horses, another minute…" the thrusting began in earnest again.

"Please….stop…" he tried to say, but his voice had also escaped him and all he could do was make unintelligible sounds. The pain was becoming more and more pronounced.

"Flip him. This boy has a nice dick too." He felt being turned around and his legs being lifted. "Oh yeah, that's better." He felt the man go in deeper inside him making him whimper when another hand was on his penis. He was erect and though it was pleasurable to feel, he did not want to feel anything at all. This was against his will. He didn't want this, why was his body betraying him?

He wanted to get out, he wanted to forget. He wanted to go home, he wanted Dean. He called out for Dean to save him. To stop this pain, this humiliation, this confusion.

"Wake up Cas!" he heard when he snapped awake, flying off the bed with his fists up. He was breathing hard and he was sweating. At the same time, he felt cold and there was a sick feeling in his stomach.

"It's ok Cas, I'm right here. We're good, you're safe. It's ok man." he looked at the direction of the voice and saw it was Dean. He looked scared and then he realized he is, he's scared because of him. The panic that was overtaking him was replaced by the guilt.

"I'm…sorry Dean. If…if you want me to sleep in my own room then I can…"

"Cas, this was the reason why I want you here with me, so I can wake you up. You were calling for me man, in your sleep. Then you started spazzing out the minute I tried to wake you. It's ok though, we're good." Dean looked at the empty space beside him. "Come back to bed? Talk about it if you want?"

Part of him wanted to run far away and hide in a corner, but another part just wanted to crawl right next to Dean. Taking neither option, he choose to talk. "I think…I was remembering…it. Whatever drug they gave me was wearing off part way through the…ordeal." He looked down, "I…I was aroused and I didn't want to be." He looked back at Dean, "I'm confused. Why did my body betray me? Was it because it knew I deserved it?"

"Cas…" Dean looked at the bed, the tone of voice he used was one of sadness. "No…it wasn't because you deserved it. No one deserves to be raped Cas." They both flinched at the word. "It's just…our bodies. Sometimes they react and we can't control it. Play with it long enough, and it'll get hard. So no, don't ever think that Cas."

Dean got up and walked over to him. As he neared, his breathing hitched and he knew that the flight or fight mechanism was being activated. He did not want wither so he fought it down. It took so much of his concentration that he didn't realize Dean had already pulled him into a hug and was leading him back to the bed. It was easier to hand control over to Dean while he tried to stay above his conflicting emotions and impulses.

Surprisingly, Dean didn't let go once they were in bed, but rather held him closer. "It's ok Cas, I got you. This thing, it's gonna take time. But I'm here for you."

"You do too much Dean, you can't save everyone." he replied into Deans chest. The strong embrace Dean's offered was comforting him and he was becoming more relaxed.

Dean was quiet for a moment, "yeah, I suppose I can't, but I'm saving you, no matter the cost. Damn everyone else and the world. I'm here for  _you_."

"I'm not worth it Dean…" he said meekly, but honestly.

"Dammit Cas, we're not doing this tango again alright. You're family Cas, all that I got left, so you're worth it to me." Dean moved him closer, so his head was under Dean's chin. "Isn't that enough Cas? That I need you? Cause if you weren't here Cas, I probably would have drunk myself to death by now, or worse."

That revelation startled him, the thought of Dean taking his own life because of despair? No, he can't let that happen. He cared too much for him, done so much for him, because of him. Dean was the reason why he is the person he is. Wounded, broken and human, but he would gladly endure that to ensure Dean was ok, was alive. Why, because he loved Dean, always had though he never knew.

"Dean…" he said brokenly, "how do you do it?"

"Do what Cas?" Dean asked as he rubbed his back, massaging and relaxing him further.

"How do you deal with all these emotions? They threaten to engulf me and I do not know how to control them."

He could feel the chuckle rise from Dean's diaphragm to his mouth. "Don't know Cas. We've been trying to figure that out since the dawn of time I guess. Some people bury them, embrace them, do weird crap or chant. Others like to drink or shout, there's no answer to it. We just deal. Though emotions aren't all bad."

"Like love?" he asked.

"Like love, yeah. Love is awesome. Makes you do some crazy shit sometimes, but it can be worth it." Dean rested his head on his, before he went on. "You know, Anna told me that angels don't feel the same, that's why she fell I guess. To feel."

Anna, his leader and sister who had indeed fallen so she can become human. She had the luxury though of being born and growing up, giving her time to acclimate to her emotions, nascent as they were. His was suddenly thrust on him without permission. "She did fall to experience humanity, yes. I'm different, I didn't choose this Dean."

"I know, and we'll make Metatron pay the dick, but being human has it's perks."

"I suppose it does. My inability to control my emotions aside, I do find some of them…rewarding. Like pie."

"Well, pie is awesome. If you don't appreciate pie, you don't appreciate life." Dean released one hand so he can pull the blanket over them. "I'll watch over you Cas, I'm not letting you go alright?"

He nodded and took a deep breath. Being beside Dean though, he inhaled Dean's scent from the source. That in itself eased his mind, and the warmth of his body flowed into his. He closed his eyes, but was in no hurry to go back to sleep. This closeness he had right now was all he wanted to experience, so he just listened to the steady beat of Dean's heart once again.

* * *

 

He was still awake, he just knew Cas was not asleep. Couldn't blame him, this is the second night in a row he woke up like that. It was a rational fear, being afraid of going asleep because of what you might dream. He was well acquainted with that scenario. Cas may have filtered out the worst of it, but if the least worst were close enough to drive him mad, then he wouldn't dare think of what could be worse. How he functioned after that first year was a miracle in itself.

Cas would need sleep. If he didn't sleep, other problems might arise. Like paranoia, which he suspected was already taken hold of him. He tried to find some stuff online to help Cas, but the only real thing he can offer is just be there. Cas needed security to try to work this out for himself. An attack on this is not just physical, that he can bandage. No, this was psychological, messing with his mind. At the hospital, he was given info for a therapist and general info on post-traumatic stress disorder. He wished there was a magic way to make this go away, but even with real magic, it still wouldn't fix this.

So he's going to deal with it was he did when Sam 's wall broke. Be patient, be calm and just be there. Don't force Cas to talk about it, but be open when he does. Right now, holding Cas was just to soothe him. Soothe them both actually. He liked Cas beside him, yes, weird that he's a dude, but having him right there reminded him that he was there too.

"I think there was two of them." Cas said softly against his chest. "They took turns." His shirt felt damp where Cas was resting on him, and he realized that he was crying. "I could hear them clearly, and the smell. But I still can't see them clearly. I remember the pain though, when they were…using me."

"You're not there anymore Cas, you're here. With me, safe in the bunker." Cas reacted by wrapping his arms around him as well, forcing them closer than he thought possible. His head was still over Cas's, whose hair smelled of coconuts and Sam. Unable to help himself, he nuzzled Cas's hair like he did when Sam was a kid, or when he was with a lady. It's a simple gesture, soft and sweet, which is what Cas needed, along with understanding.

Cas let out a small sigh, but backed a little away from him, creating a small gulf between them. It was still dark but even so, he can see that Cas was looking up at him. He scooted down so they can be level with each other. "I know Dean. But these memories are with me, I can remember them anywhere. Hence, I am subject to them no matter where I am, no matter how safe I am." Cas reached up and cupped his face. "I know you'll protect me if need be Dean, but you can't protect me from my own mind."

His hand lingered on his face, it's warmth flowing into him. Cas's hand unlike his was soft, smooth and his fingers wiry. The hand lifted but he felt a tip of a finger trace his ear and down his jaw. "Dean, there are just some things you cannot fix." He was about say they can but Cas laid his finger on his mouth. "No Dean, you can't." Cas took his hand back and turned around so he was now facing his backside.

"Cas…" he said, inching closer so he can cradle the man again, but Cas shook off his arm when he placed it on his shoulder.

"Please Dean…go back to sleep. I will be fine." There was tone of finality in his voice, so he did not press it. He was guessing Cas wasn't going to sleep, then he wasn't either. So they sat in silence in the dark.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

* * *

 

 

 

  He was tired, but he didn’t want to go to sleep. Dean stayed awake with him through the entire night too, only getting up when his phone rang. Answering the phone, Dean had a short conversation with however was on the other line and hung up.

                “That was Charlie. She has all your paperwork done and will come by to drop it off tomorrow. She’s been dying to meet you.”

                He feigned getting up and looked over at Dean, “how does she know about me?” he queried.

                “Remember Chuck? Well he kept publishing for a while. That’s how she knows.” Dean turned on the light, making them both blink at the increased light. “Hungry?”

                “Not really.” His appetite was nil most times, besides the diner the night before.

                Dean frowned, “oh, ok…well, I’m gonna eat something.”

                “I would like some coffee though.”

                “Yeah, sure. I’ll brew some.”

                When they both reached the kitchen Dean made himself some scrambled eggs and toast. When his back was turned, he put some whiskey in his cup to mix it with his coffee. However, when Dean turned around he saw the bottle there and arched his eyebrow. “Adding to the coffee Cas?”

                “Yes, since you do it I thought that would be ok.”

                “But…I…fine.” Dean stammered, knowing he had no rebuttal. He turned around and placed the eggs on his plate and brought the coffee pot over with him. He poured them both a cup, but he didn’t add to his besides cream and sugar.

                “I would like to visit Sam, if that’s ok.” Dean’s fork stopped midway to his mouth before he put it down.

                “Ok, suppose we can clean up around…”

                “I would like to visit alone Dean, if that is all right.”

                Dean looked away from him, but he sensed he had hurt him somehow. “That’s...fine.” Dean got up and left his plate and retreated to somewhere else in the bunker. Sighing, he drained his cup and took the rest of the bottle outside.

                Since he didn’t wear a watch or carry a phone, he had no idea what time of the day it was. It was mid-morning though, since the sun was just still new in the horizon. It is late summer, so it wasn’t cold, but there was a chill in the air. Breathing deep the fresh air, he closed the door and went up the hill.

                It was in a clearing and all the marked the final resting place of Sam was a crude wooden cross. There were holes dug about haphazardly all across the small field, so he had to watch his step. The earth that was turned over at the spot had already green shoots of grass that was beginning to show. The space was tranquil and given some care, would be a lovely garden.

                His shoe hit a glass bottle that was hidden in a tuft of grass. It was the same one he was holding in his hand. Dean must have brought it here and clearly drank it all. That was not surprising and he planned on doing the same. He was feeling hollow at the moment, empty and he wanted this feeling to end. Since Dean usually drank, he took from his example. Twisting the cap off, he took a long drink straight from the bottle.

                Coughing as the burn went down his mouth, he closed it again and sat at the foot of the grave. “Hello Sam. I find it strange that I feel the need to converse with you though you are dead. However, it is something that I have seen many people do and it seems to help them. I expect this to be a one sided explanation, though if you do respond, I would have to make sure it was you.” He took another drink. “I am sorry that you died Sam. If I could have brought you back, I would have. You of all people deserve to live a full and happy life. Instead you sacrificed it…for all of us.”

                He huffed, “I know that the greater whole of humanity is good. Even those homeless I encountered showed me some kindness. When I was possessed with all those souls, I only judged those to be cruel, hypocrites and destructive, which such a small amount of the population. It is for them, those who have faith and are good, we all died for one time or another.”

                “But even so, I ran afoul of persons who have taken advantage of me. I wish them the cruelest torment available in hell. I would make a deal with Crowley again to ensure that they do.” He took another drink. “As an angel, wishing such things is blasphemy. It is supposed to be in our nature to save such wretched souls. As a human though, I want them to hurt, to feel powerless as I do. These two conflicting emotions, these desires are confusing me.” He sat in silence and then lay on his back, looking up at the bright sky.

                It was mostly cloudless and they sky was a dark blue as it tends to be in the morning. The quiet of this small grove came over him and calmed him. There was no people, no noise, just the breeze rustling through the leaves. “I believe I love your brother Sam, and it hurts me to see him in pain as well. Your absence has affected his well-being, though I know he is not letting it show because of me.” He sat back up. The bottle was still mostly full, but he was feeling it already. He wanted to feel nothing though so he took another drink.

                He looked at the small cross, “you know Sam, Jesus preached mostly about compassion, forgiveness and love. His own sacrifice on the crucifix was to inspire humanity to aspire above their instincts and simply love one another. I now understand why that is so difficult to achieve.”  He took another drink. “I don’t want to forgive. I don’t deserve to be forgiven either, not with all the hurt I have done to the world. I don’t want to be touched but I want Dean to touch me. But how could he ever want me? Even if he were inclined to pursue a relationship with me, why would he want to? I’m…damaged. “ Tipping the bottle, he held on longer than he had before.

                “I suppose Sam, that I will have to be content with the closeness Dean is allowing me. I know he’s only doing it to make me feel better, but it’s…difficult. Part of me wants to just be there, another part wants to touch more of him. It is confusing.”  He looked back down, “being human is confusing. And it hurts. I don’t want to feel anything anymore.”

* * *

 

                After he left Cas, he retreated to the gun range which he was sure Cas didn’t know about. Sam was still a sore subject with him, and Cas knew that, so he didn’t bring him up. He should be ok that Cas wanted to pay his respects to his brother, but that only reaffirmed to him that Sam was dead. You don’t pay respects to guy who’s coming back, but one that’s in the ground. He felt nauseous at the thought of Sam rotting away in that wooden coffin. Maybe he should have burned him, it is a hunter’s death, same way dad and Bobby went. It was clean…and it practically guaranteed no coming back. No angels to resurrect him like they did Adam.

                Adam, he had forgotten his half-brother. He had to choose though when Death gave him that dreadful choice. Sam or Adam, and of course he went for Sam. That was another failing on his part, he failed to save either one of his brothers and now he was the last man standing. Maybe one day they’ll find a way to save Adam, but Sam? Sam was gone.

                Cas was here now, but after last night, he felt like a wall came down between them. He didn’t know why it did, he seemed ok being that close to him. Recalling how Cas traced his hand on his ear and face, he thought Cas was just assuring himself he was there. It was a soft touch, and there was hesitation in the movements, but he liked it. Weird, but he was ok with that. Then bam, wall up and now Cas is acting funky. Slipping some Jim Bean into his coffee? That was his MO, not Cas’s.

                Then again, Cas followed his examples, which now included his drinking. He can’t exactly say no to Cas, since he would point out that was how he dealt with crap in general. At least he hadn’t smoked another joint since yesterday. Though he could use on right now. But he wouldn’t indulge in that, which was a one shot thing. Maybe his hands off approach with Cas finding alcohol and drugs was not the best idea after all.

                And now he had another cryptic message from Sam from the great beyond. ‘Don’t freak out’? What the hell does that mean? He handled another dude in his bed just fine. This entire thing of what happened to Cas he was dealing the best he can. If he was in Cas’s shoes, he would seriously question his sexuality if he was got hard too. In the back of his mind he knew it was just a reflex, that it was a reaction. By no means would it mean he would enjoy it.

                Then it occurred to him, he assumed that Cas was straight like him. He didn’t object to be taken to a female strip bar, and the guy was married a couple years back. Maybe that was one saving grace, that Cas didn’t have a sexuality to be concerned with. Then again, it would also put him off anything in regards to it as well. Anyone’s first time should be special, or should at least tried to be special. His was less than glamorous, and he was so young. Back when he was sixteen he got it one with one girl in his class. She liked him, and he though she was hot because she had a full big rack. For him, it kinda happened when they were supposed to be studying math and ended up studying biology on each other. It was a spur of a moment, no finesse and nothing remotely romantic. Not like it was with Robin. In hindsight, it was a quick and lousy, but at the time, he felt like he was king of the world. Cas would never have that. No, all he’ll recall was that he was drugged and taken like a common street whore then dumped like trash on the side of the road.

                If that his first experience ever, then he would never want to be touched intimately again. Physical intimacy was a major part of human interaction, a way to express feelings. He never realized it, but touch plays a major part in most people’s lives. Handshakes, hugs, pat’s on the back and so on were all part of the human experience. That too was also stolen from Cas. Cas would only allow him to touch him because he made, or used to make him feel safe. If he was the extent of human contact Cas was willing to suffer, then so be it, manhood be damned.

                Getting up, he checked and loaded a gun for practice. Shooting was a great way to vent, and he needed to vent. Sam could put up with his brooding but he would listen patiently, and he would do the same, usually, to let Sam vent. Also the hunting and ganking thing was a great way to stay in shape and vent. No monsters here though, and he wasn’t about to vent to Cas, since Cas was half the reason he needed to vent. Taking aim, he thought he did damn good when the sheet he imagined as Metatron came back.

                When he got his hands on the guys who did that to Cas, he was going to use the skills he learned to teach them a lesson before he ended their miserable lives. Shooting them would be too good for them. Then he was going after Metatron, one way or another, he was going to get the asshat. This was unfair what happened to Cas, what happened to him too. But life was unfair. He can’t let his anger get the better of him. Being angry makes him do stupid desperate things.

                Cas. He left the bottle there in the kitchen all alone with it. Guy had no idea on how to pace himself, last time he got drunk it took an entire store. Racing back to the kitchen, his suspicion was correct. Cas had indeed taken the bottle and headed outside. If he chugged the damn thing, he could pass out and choke in his own vomit. Sounded hilarious, but he’s seen it for real and it was no laughing matter.

                He quickly made his way up the hill to Sam’s grave and saw Cas was there, sitting quietly looking at the cross he made. Sensing him, he turned and looked at him. “Hello Dean.” It did not escape his notice that Cas was slurring and upon closer observation, was swaying. Great, now he had a drunken depressed PTSD ex-angel.

                “Dammit Cas, did you drink the entire bottle?” he asked angrily.

                Lifting the bottle up, he saw it was still mostly full. “Of course not Dean, I want to be drunk, but not drunk.”

                “That makes no sense.” he said marching over. Cas handed him the bottle…then another empty one. “What the hell Cas? Did you drink two bottles?”

                “That one was already here empty. Yours.” Cas pointed mostly at him. “Don’t want to pass out, might dream.”

                Cas wanted to feel buzzed but not to the point where he would pass out. Maybe he did know how to pace himself. Now he felt like a fool and a mother hen. Especially when evidence of his own binge drinking was right in his hand. “Uh…sorry Cas. I just worried about you.”

                “I know.” Cas looked back at the Sam’s grave before lying flat on his back. “It’s quiet out here. And open with fresh air. Join me Dean.”

                He lied down next to Cas in the grass. It was like times he and Sam used to just sit around in a park, just watching the clouds go by. Or at night to watch the stars, something they still do when they found themselves in the middle of nowhere. Crack open a beer and lie on the hood, wondering the mysteries of the universe. At least that’s what he assumed Sam thought, he was more down to earth and just relaxed.

                “Dean…I miss Sam.”

                “I do too Cas, I do too.” He felt a hand reach for his own, and not thinking, he entwined their fingers.  


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

 

* * *

They fell asleep in the grass, such was the tranquility of the final resting place of Sam Winchester. When they woke, they were still holding hands, though Dean was quick on taking his back. Neither one of them talked about what transpired, because nothing had. They had simply fallen asleep because he kept them up the entire night, being afraid to dream and Dean wanting to watch over him. It was quiet here, the sun was warm and Dean beside him, he fell asleep. Dean must have followed suit in his case.

Now awake, Dean got up and stretched. "I'm gonna take a shower. Too old be sleeping outside in the dirt." There was a loud crack as he stretched his back.

"You are hardly old Dean, even in human terms." He also got up and also stretched, feeling the popping in his arms and back. "I myself am millennia old, though among the angels, I am considered to be one of the younger ones."

"Not helping Cas." Dean said as he wandered around the area. "I want to put up a fence. And a headstone."

"Of course, and I will help you as well Dean." he replied automatically.

"Yeah, well it's a two man job at least, but thanks Cas for offering."

"I'm thirsty and I have a headache." He realized now the throbbing pain in his head was called a headache. Quite apt.

Dean laughed, "what you got is a hangover Cas. At least we found out you're a brooding sleepy drunk. All you need is some water and aspirin, some food. You hungry?"

Brooding? He does not think he was brooding at all, he was quite oblivious to everything, which is what he wanted. "What other kind of drunk is there Dean?"

"For starters, there's the angry drunk. Then we have the touchy feely kind of drunk, then I guess the emotional drunk, and the weird lets have fun drunk. That was Sammy. Man, when he got hammered, he was down for anything." Dean looked over at the cross as he said Sam's name.

"And what are you Dean?"

"Hell I should know, I was drunk." Dean said looking back at him grinning, then he frowned. "Cas, you can't drink stuff away."

He huffed, "but you do Dean."

"And look how that turns out Cas. I'm a freaking mess, and I don't want you to be. You're better than that."

He smiled, "thank you Dean."

"What for Cas?" Dean asked confused.

"For thinking that I am worth something." It did mean a lot to him, to hear that he is valued. Coming from Dean, it make him feel…special.

His cheeks became slightly flushed when Dean looked at him, and he stumbled his words. "Cas…you're worth the whole damn…bunch, uh, you mean a lot to me ok?"

"I know" he turned around and headed back down the hill out of the grove. "I am somewhat hungry now Dean." The uncomfortable emptiness and the recent alcohol did not make his stomach feel very good. Eating though, delicious as it may be, did result in him using the restroom. That was something he wanted to avoid as well if he could.

He heard Dean behind him, "sure, guess it's near noon so we can have lunch. Sandwich?"

"I suppose. No mayo on mine though, I find that I did not like it."

"You can make your own then. And I know you know that I know you know that you can make one. Remember that 'organic' sandwich back at the cabin? No mayo…like Sam, jeesh" Dean replied incredulously.

Sandwich construction was simple enough, though the bologna Dean piled on his was not to his taste. There was turkey though and he used that. Dean took his sandwich to the library where he followed him. He was finished and was looking over a book while Dean was in the computer.

"Huh, thousands of people of falling out of thy sky and they still call it a meteor shower."

"Never underestimate the human capability to self-deceive. I hazard that falling angels from Heaven might be hard to handle."

"Do they all have vessels? Or we expecting baby angels in nine months?"

"Those without vessels would probably search for ones who can house them. Hael still had her grace but did not have her wings. Those without vessels would be in a non-corporeal form until a vessel is found and accepting. Unless they choose to strip their grace away, then no, there will not be 'angel babies'."

"I wonder, Anna had angel radio even without her grace. Do you?" Dean looked him with curiosity and concern.

It was possible, but he had heard nothing. Nor did he want to. "No" he simply replied, a little too quick or hard than he wanted. Even if he could, it was obvious what they would want and he didn't want to share what has been going on with him. It may also compromise their current location and safety.

There was a knock at the door and they both froze. Dean the relaxed when his phone buzzed, "it's Charlie, relax Cas." he said looking at the phone and getting up. He left to open the door while he stayed behind in the library. He heard a happy fast talking voice approach the library.

"Hi Castiel! I'm Charlie." she greeted before crossing the threshold. He looked up and saw her red hair.

* * *

"STAY AWAY!" Cas yelled as jumped up from the table and ran down the hallway. Charlie looked at him confused as to what happened. He was also confused as to what happened. Nothing had happened. All Charlie did was say hi.

"Stay here, I think he might be having a relapse or something." he said heading over to the direction where Cas disappeared to.

"Dean! Wait! What happened to him?" she asked worried.

Stopping he turned around, "something that would have never happened if I had been there. Just stay here ok?" It wasn't his place to say what happened to Cas. Right now, he had to figure out what was happening.

Following the sobbing sounds, he found Cas in a file room curled up in a ball. He was in full blown panic mode and didn't even notice him come in. He tentatively out his hand on Cas's back, seeing if he would freak out. He didn't, but he felt him shaking, so he pulled him into an embrace. "Just breathe Cas…in and out…." Cas tried taking his advice and after some moments, he had calmed down.

"I'm sorry Dean…I'm not sure what happened. I just saw red and I panicked." Cas leaned back and looked at him face to face. The look he had, he's never seen Cas so afraid before. He was pale and his eyes were bloodshot, his grip was still shaky. "What happened to me Dean?"

"I think…something about Charlie triggered a memory. Maybe her red hair."

A glazed look came over Cas, obviously back in the memory. "He had red hair…"

"Anything else?" Red hair was helpful, but was so generic that it didn't really help find the person who did this. Any info, like a name would be great. Every time this happened to Cas, he wanted to just gut the guy.

Cas shook his head. "I'm sorry Dean, I…would like to meet Charlie."

"No way Cas, if she's a trigger for you, then right now is not a good time. Not until we have a better handle on this."

"She's done so much for me already, and now I feel bad."

"Cas, we can't risk you goingoff again. Right now, this does more bad than good ok?" He sighed, "for now, just…uh, watch a movie or something. The TV is set up in that common room we found yesterday. Just wait there alright?" Cas nooded. "Ok, just…call if you need anything, we'll be in the library." Helping Cas up, Cas hugged him while he patted Cas's back, "we're good, we'll get through this."

After leading Cas to the TV, he put in a random movie and headed back to Charlie. She was sitting in the chair Cas was in looking blank. The incident certainly shook her too. He decided to tell her what happened, because now she needed to know why this happened. Seeing him enter, she let a small smile come out but said nothing.

"Sorry about what happened." he said sitting down. Across from her now, he took her hand. "I'm going to tell you what happened, but you have to promise me to understand ok?" She nodded, but the look of fear was on her. "When Cas was getting a ride back to here…after living on the streets."

"He was on the streets? Like homeless?" she asked aghast. "Where were you?"

"Drunk off my ass ok! Sam was dead and Cas was gone. It was generally pretty shitty time." he said tensely. There was silence for a few minutes, but she held his hand.

"I'm sorry Dean, I'm sorry about Sam. He was…he was a good guy who saved the world."

"I know, and I'm getting…used to not having him around. It hurts like hell, but I'll pull through. It's Cas that I'm worried about. When he was coming over….some guys drugged him…and…well…"

She took her hands back and held them at her mouth in shock, "oh my god…I…I didn't know. I must have triggered him or something."

"It's not your fault, we're working on it. At first, he didn't recall anything, doc said it was retro grade amnesia. Said he might remember bits and pieces over time, but the stuff they gave him, it messes with you." He looked down the hall where Cas was. "He doesn't sleep because he  _does_  remember it then. The stuff wore off part way…and the sick bastards, they kept on going before knocking him out an' dumping him on the side of the road like trash. Then he walked the rest of the way here." He gulped down some air to steady himself. "I took him to the hospital, where they patched him up and checked to make sure he was clean. Brought back here and, well, that's that."

"One must've had red hair then…" she guessed.

"Yeah…he feels bad because he really wanted to meet you. Still does, but…"

Cutting him off, "it might trigger another panic attack. Yeah, I know. That's ok." She straightened herself up. "I did what you ask, I made him a couple personas, each of them have a history." She handed him a big manila envelope. "Licenses, visa's, badges…the works. I also got some 'investments' for you guys. Legit money too, and I can handle it. Now that mom's…gone, I have some extra green."

They could use the cash, but this was too much. "I can't Charlie, I mean thanks, but I can't accept."

"Who said you did? One James Casper and Dean Murdoch do though." she replied wily. "Dean, let me help you. So put aside your man pride and take a gift ok?" She had a point, and she was trying to be a help.

"Ok, fine. But I might need another favor."

"Shoot." She leaned back. "I'm queen in more ways than one, and I have my fingers in a lot of pies."

"I need some meds, for Cas. I can't take him to shrink cause they'll lock him up. I used to have a guy but that was years ago. If ya can't then some weed would be great."

She arched her eyebrow, "planning on introducing Cas to Mary Jane Dean? I know you smoked but seriously?"

"How the hell did you know I smoked?

"You just admitted it and it was 'suggested' in the books. And I quote 'and Dean looked at the immense bong recalling fond memories'."

"Damn you Chuck. Ok yes, I did. But Cas already had some joints with him that he bought back in the city." He recalled the smoke they shared that night. "Some good stuff."

She rolled her eyes, "fine, I know some people. For the meds, I can ask around. You really shouldn't be prescribing him stuff Dean. Aren't you afraid of what happened in 2014?"

He was moving Chuck up the list of those who must die. "Yes…but it's different this time. I'm here and I can keep an eye on him. If he starts getting addicted, then I pull the plug. But I can't have him being so…unbalanced. And if you read that, you must know I did not like seeing Cas like that. I still don't, but I...I can't do this alone. When we sleep, he's either next to me or giving me the cold shoulder."

"Wait...you two sleep in the same bed?" She asked wide eyed.

Crap. "Ummm…" he felt the heat rise in his cheeks. "Yes, cause he freaks out more if I'm not there. It's not an issue. Just helping a friend."

She smiled, "that's so sweet Dean. And a good idea, he needs someone to support him now. Being human is bad enough for him, but after that…just be there ok?" She leaned forward back to him, "and you Dean? How are you doing?"

"I didn't do so good the first couple of weeks. I was passed out , or on my way to being passed out. If it wasn't for that, Cas would've been ok. Helping Cas is also helping me. In a way, we're both coping." When did this become a chick flick moment?

"That's good, don't forget me. I'm here too."

"I know Charlie. Why you stick around with us I don't know, but we'll be ok. We just need time."

"You said we. You and Cas then?"

He looked at the table, because he did say that. He assumed that it would be just him and Cas now since Sam was gone. "Yeah. He's all I got, besides you of course, but Cas. Cas and I been through a lot. He's like a brother to me."

"I know. Well, I was kinda hoping to stick around but I don't want to make him upset. So I'll head out and break him in. Call and talk to him, help him adjust. We can do that ok?"

Getting up, he gave Charlie a hug and kiss to the forehead. "Read to him, it makes me feel better, reading to mom." she said as she let go of the hug. "And take your time; the world ain't ending anytime soon."

"Will do Charlie, and get the stuff if you can!"

"Ok Cheech!" she hollered back from the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to go a little in depth into the medication and marijuana in this story. I feel that yes, Dean doesn't want to see Cas as he did in the 'The End'. However, given the circumstances that he has been presented with, I think Dean would rather keep a careful eye on Cas's usage than just outright ban them. It has been alluded in the show that Dean has smoked in the past, but no longer does. Hence his tempered response in finding out Cas smokes. Keep in mind, Cas smokes to alleviate his pain and originally, to relax. No more, no less.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

 

* * *

He had not meant to panic, and it made him feel more helpless because he could not control his emotions. Red hair, when he saw it, he remembered that red was bad and had had to get away. There was no thinking and his body just reacted. It was if a floodgate had been opened, he relived what he could about the attack.

Then Dean was there calming him down. Holding him and making him breathe to regain his composure. Now he didn't want to feel anything again. Evidently Dean was right, the alcohol will only work momentarily and it's side effects were unpleasant to experience. He had considered getting a joint from his room, but that meant crossing the library and encountering Charlie. She had been nothing but a friend to him even though they had never meet and he ruined it by running away. This…shame and embarrassment were also relatively new emotions to him.

So he sat watching the movie Dean had put in the player to entertain him. It began as a slow paced film about ranching. The two main characters had an icy start but he liked the sense of openness the film portrayed. The towering mountains and the untouched wilderness appeared to be nice places to enjoy tranquility. Though humanity may still be considered his father's greatest creation, the earth itself was immensely beautiful. Perhaps one day when there was time he and Dean can go to such a place. Dean had a fondness for the hats these men wore. If he recalled, they were cowboys, though on was going on about being in the rodeo. As long as he had been around, human cultures constantly changed for him to keep track of.

It was a calming movie, though there seemed no discernible plot. Now the two men were sitting around a fire drinking and talking about their lives. Then one went to the tent and the other stayed outside to catch forty winks. What a peculiar term, one does not catch a wink, let alone forty. Then the dark haired one wanted to the blond one in the tent. Sleeping beside each other reminded him of when he and Dean sleep. Dean even wrapped his arm around him like that sometimes. The memory of it made him smile just a tiny bit.

But then the tall blond one reacted negatively to the change…but then they engaged in anal intercourse. The sight of it made him wince but he kept his attention on the screen. It was…instinct, unbridled and pleasurable. There were parallels but this was consensual, if not well thought out. Both parties wanted this, even if they did not planned it. Then it was done and the morning after, the blond one was gone. He felt for the dark haired man, which he now knew was Jack. A scene later though, he and Ennis had another coupling and it was…something he did not know the word for.

The candles, the fire, out in nature, free and open. It was tender and touching, beautiful and mesmerizing. This is something he wanted to do with Dean. The  _closeness_ between the two, though vastly different were all the more same in their need for companionship. Now the film had his complete attention, and he watched curious.

Dean came back when the two were meeting for the first time since they last saw each other originally. He walked in when they were kissing themselves passionately and tried to imagine that with Dean. It was also very much like the pizza man video.

"What the hell you watching Cas?" Dean asked when the movie went into another scene.

"The movie that you put in for me to watch. I like the movie."

Walking over, Dean looked at the case for the film, then rolled his eyes. "Sam got me this damn movie as a joke. Told me it was a great western and then bam! Two dudes in a tent going at it."

"It is a good film. The delivery and scenery play into the subtleness of it. May I please watch the rest of it?" He blinked a couple times and Dean and tried to convey his sincerity.

"Where did you learn puppy dog eyes Cas? Damn." Dean scratched his head. "Fine. You ok by yourself, I don't really feel like watching this." He looked at Dean again, trying to replicate the 'puppy dog eyes'. Rolling his eyes, "fine, scoot over."

They watched the film together and when it ended, he felt bad about the death of Jack. When Ennis pulled out that shirt, he felt…happiness and relief, that Jack always loved him. Keeping the shirt with him, Ennis also showed that he loved Jack too. It was not a conventional relationship that was usually portrayed, but it no less than any others. It was beautiful.

"I never watched it all the way through." Dean said, "that's…a good movie. But don't you tell anyone ok?"

He smiled at Dean because the film had made him feel good. "The end, with the shirts? I was like you hanging onto my overcoat." Dean's cheeks turned red and froze for a moment while continued. "I wish I had kept it. You went through pains to ensure I would get it back."

Looking uncomfortable, Dean looked around. "Well…it's not like  _that._  I mean…uh, you're like a brother Cas, family. That coat was the only piece I had of you. Oh geesh….can we forget about this?"

Sensing the discomfort, he frowned. "Of course Dean. Sorry if I upset you. I just wanted to make a comparison about our relationship relative to the one in the movie."

"Ok…alright. You watched your chick flick, but that's the end of that." Getting up, he took the disc out and placed it in the box. "Want to watch another movie? Like  _Die Hard_? That's a man movie, or  _The Good, the Bad and the Ugly_? Classis western. A real western."

"No thank you Dean." he turned to look down the hallway. "Did Charlie leave?"

"Yeah, she did. She's not upset and she understands what happened. It might be easier to like, talk to her over the phone or text. Get you used to associating her with that than with the…the trigger."

"Her red hair." He supplied glumly.

"Yeah…that. She said she might wear a wig next time. But she brought us some stuff. Wanna see?"

Nodding, they both headed to the library and sitting down at the table, Dean shook out the contents of the large envelope. Out of it spilled all the documents needed to legally become a person, and badges and credit cards.

"She made several aliases for you, complete with id's, visas, cards and histories. She also loaded some of these cards with money too, so you can have some of your own."

"It is much appreciated," he said looking over the license of one David Evans. "Apologies Dean, I also have some money I earned in the city. I can give that to you if you want."

"Naw, it's yours Cas, do with it as you want. Don't worry about me, I got some cash. How'd you earn the money though?"

"Mostly labor, such as lawn care. I was often employed because of my multi-lingual skills, acting as a translator for the foremen and the workers."

"Suppose that's a real skill you can use." Dean said sadly.

"Does that upset you Dean?"

"No…I'm happy for you. I did some construction work when I lived with Lisa. It ain't an easy life being a hunter, and non-paying either. So we gotta do to survive."

He put down the cards and papers looking at Dean who was looking at one of his ID's. Dean sounded sad because he realized he had not marketable skills besides hunting. It may also be the thought of him capable of not depending on him a reality. "I know Dean. But I don't want to work such mindless tasks, I would rather be hunting and saving people. Make a difference in the world. Had you, or anyone in your family declined to become what you have, the world would not be the same. You make it safer, better for all. Take pride in that Dean."

Dean's lips turned up a little, so he saw his message sink in a bit. "I guess. So Mr. Taylor, what do want to do?"

"I suppose I need to learn how to shoot guns more accurately. My melee skills especially with a knife or sword are not diminished. However, humans employ guns so I should as well."

That perked up Dean, "so you want to learn how to shoot? Awesome."

"And I want to learn how to cook. I did not enjoy my sandwich as I thought I would."

"Well, don't look at me for inspiration. I cook simple, and I grill. If you want fancy, get a cook book and watch youtube." Dean snarked.

"I just want to contribute more here, while we also find a way to send the angels to heaven."

"Sounds like a plan man."

* * *

He tried to teach Cas to shoot, and it turned out, the guy was pretty good. Once he got the proper technique down, he had good clean shoots. Stressing the difference between standing on the range and running for his life, he imparted all the lessons his dad taught him. It was great seeing Cas take charge and become a badass again. Been through a lot and now human, but he thinks Cas can still kick some serious ass if he wanted.

His mind though kept wandering back to the movie  _Brokeback Mountain_  though. Sam got it for him after their trip to the old west. On one of the rare nights they watched a movie, Sam and Bobby put it in there and let him watch it not knowing what it was. Then the humping began and he swore up a storm at the two. Trying to destroy his dream of the old west, asshats the both of them. Sam kept the movie though apparently, placing it their small movie collection. He just put the box there when he installed the TV, not knowing he put in the player.

There were similarities, minus the sex, between Cas and himself. He did hold on to the coat for no reason other than it was Cas's. It does sadden him a bit that it's now lost somewhere in Colorado. It was important in the movie though wasn't the gay thing at all. No, it wasn't all gay because Anne Hathaway's boobs were there. It was because even through all the changes, the marriages and passing years, they were still friends, still lovers. Even through all the shit they each had pulled, here they were still.

"You watch Brokeback Mountain together? Dude! I got that as a joke!" Sam said on the sofa.

"Yeah, I know. It was a good film though. And it filled my quota for chick flick movies for the year." Dean replied before sitting at the desk. Looked like Bobby's house in his dream. He knew he was dreaming because this house had burned down two years ago and Sam's dead.

"Seriously though, how's Cas?" Sam asked leaning forward.

"Why don't you pop in his head and ask him?"

"Because I can't, Cas's mind is still like an angel. Then there's the nightmares. We can't reach him in there."

"Yeah, they're still bad. Charlie came by and we didn't know red hair is a trigger for him. He went full on panic mode Sam, and it kills me that I can't do a damn thing."

"But you are doing something Dean. You're the one grounding him right now, you're his rock he's reconstructing himself on." Sam said before leaning back on the sofa. "And you need him too."

"Yeah yeah, we had this talk already. He's becoming more assertive now, so I think he't beginning to heal. He said he wants to stay a hunter still."

Sam frowned, "and you're not sure if you want him as one?"

"I don't know. He has a chance to live a normal happy life after all this crap. He did ok before he came here, and now that he has papers, he can really start building a life."

"You're afraid he'll leave you."

Sam always had a knack about hitting the head of the issue. "Yeah...I guess."

Smiling, Sam got up, "something tells me he won't if you keep him close."

He woke up and looked over to his left. Cas was actually still asleep on his side of the bed. Why did his conversations ended with him waking up? Couldn't they head over to the strip club that he knows is in his brain and have some fun for a change. These chats and tips he was getting got annoying, but needed since he was able to talk to Sam. Rationally, he knew his mind was probably making it up, but with their lives, dream walking is a reality, so there's that.

First was 'don't freak out' and now, 'keep him close'? What was Sam trying to say? Cas shifted and made a soft groan in his sleep. Uh-oh, this could be a prelude to another nightmare. Scooting closer, he wrapped his arm around Cas. Asleep still, Cas sense the movement and latched onto his arm while also scooting back into him. Then he made a contended sigh and remained still. He felt the rise and fall of Cas's stomach breathing since he was now stuck being the big spoon.

And he was ok with that.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

"I'm going stir crazy in here Cas, and I found a hunt that we can do." Dean asked over breakfast. "We've been cooped up in here for almost two weeks. Besides groceries last week, neither one of us have left the bunker."

He looked at the pancakes while he thought, he didn't really want to leave the bunker. On the other hand, he also was getting bored. All the books he's read haven't revealed anything to solve the angel problem. And there was only so many inane movies and shows he can take. If he was fidgety at this point, then Dean must be itching to set out. A change of scenery would be beneficial for them both, as long as there wasn't many people to deal with. Though with the pills and weed that Dean had given him, he did have an easier time controlling his emotions. He suspected Charlie was helping him again, and he was thankful for that.

"Yes, I think that would be a good idea. Though preferably I would want to avoid large population centers. There is also the risk of encountering angels as well." They were still after his head after all.

"I know, that's why I looked for something out of the way. There's a possible haunting over in Oregon at a remote former ranch. It's killed two construction workers that are renovating the place for a new hotel."

"The renovation has probably disturbed whatever spirit is there."

Dean nodded, "probably, just got to find out who and do a salt and burn. Pretty straight forward, it's finding the right person that's hard."

"We can do the research en route. I will leave any interviews to you though if that's ok Dean."

The hunter understood why so there was no need to say it out loud. "Of course, after the last case, I don't think I'll let you 'interview' anyone. Maybe the cat though."

He rolled his eyes, a new human reaction he had picked up from Dean. "I did almost crack him. You underestimate the animals, they can provide insights."

"Whatever Dr. Dolittle. Just pack your gear and we'll go after this."

An hour later they were on the road heading west. They passed the place he woke up in after the attack and he hyperventilated, so Dean drove faster away from the place. After a few moments beside the side of the road he calmed down a bit and insisted that they continue the mission. Dean noted that they won't take that road again.

It was drive of several hours to the place they were going. Looking over at Dean, he could see that the man was happy to drive his baby cross country. The music they listened to made Dean at times sing, or attempt to sing along. Not that he had a bad voice, it was just that he was hopelessly out of tune that it was funny. His laughing at his attempts made Dean sing louder and they both ended up laughing. The benefit of being human is that he could feel more. It was also the downside, but at times, it was good.

It was late evening when they rolled into a cheap hotel near Pendleton. Dean went alone into the check in office as he got their bags. Coming back, Dean opened to the door and it was standard room Dean always gets with two queens. He froze at the sight momentarily before putting their bags on their respective beds. He had slept with Dean ever since he came back and now it was obvious that Dean wanted to sleep alone.

They only slept in the same bed for him really, and though his nightmares were pretty much every night, the past couple of days he hadn't woken up violently. Maybe it was time for him to sleep in his own bed, though he was already missing the warmth Dean gives, or on the rare occasion, he spoons him. That was something they never talked about an unsaid comfort that if ever said, he believed would make it stop. He didn't want it too, but he knew that it had to eventually.

Since it was late already, Dean took his bag into the bathroom to change and head to bed. He changed in the room and took comfort that at least they were in the same room. Perhaps he can use this case as time to wean himself from Dean. In time, he might be comfortable with sleeping in his own room back in the bunker.

"Hey Cas, did you pack toothpaste? I forgot mine." he looked up at Dean walking out with a towel around his waist. It was obvious he had taken a quick shower since he was still very much wet. Looking at the bare torso glistening he became mesmerized by the droplets running down. "Uh Cas? Toothpaste?"

Snapping out of the trance, he dug into his bag and handed Dean his toothpaste. "Thanks man." Dean said as he sauntered back into the bathroom. He didn't close the door and he can see Dean quite clearly from his vantage point. When the towel dropped he got a good view of Dean's backside before he put on his underwear and pajamas. When he was about turn around, he suddenly busied himself to make it appear he hadn't been ogling Dean.

"I'm going to go to bed and we'll work on the case early morning. I think I saw I diner when we came into town, we'll go there for breakfast." Dean said as he pulled the covers back. "You ok on that bed by yourself?"

"Uh…yes, I believe I shall be fine. We are in the same room." He removed his shirt and was about to remove his pants when he noticed he was partially aroused. Panicking, he took his bag and slammed the bathroom door shut. He held the counter and tried to regulate his breathing.

There was a knock on the door, "Cas? You ok?"

"Yes Dean." He replied through clenched teeth. His mind was working against him while his body was confusing him. This sensation was pleasurable the first time he did it himself, but now, he also remembered him being manipulated during the attack.

"If…if you still want to sleep with me, that's fine alright. It's fine." Dean sounded truly concerned about him.

"No...I…I have to do this Dean."

"Seriously, I don't mind. I can't have you going all panic mode on me here Cas."

Willing his erection away, he didn't respond until he felt more of himself to respond. "I…I will be fine Dean." Changing into his pajamas, he brushed his teeth, took his medicine and opened the door. Dean was waiting right outside of it and he could see that he was truly worried. "It's ok Dean. I believe I can handle sleeping in my own bed tonight. You must be looking forward to having the bed to yourself."

Dean looked uneasy and turned away, "I guess. I just got used to being there. It's fine."

"Perhaps I should smoke first? To calm myself?"

"Your call man, just do it outside where no one can see or smell it." Dean was heading back into his bed but took the TV remote along the way.

"You're not going to join me?" They sometimes smoked together rarely, though Dean never did the shotgun thing again.

"No, I'm good."

"Ok." Grabbing the small pouch that had his stuff and meds, he went out the door.

* * *

 

He woke up to Cas looking down at himself, frozen like he had been like that for hours. Knowing Cas, it was a possibility. The blanket was being held up and he looked at his groin. "Cas?" Slowly Cas turned to him and he looked scared.

"Dean…I don't know what happened."

"What happened?" he asked rubbing is eyes. There was only a weak beam of sunlight coming in, so it was early morning then.

"I think I had an orgasm."

"You what?" he asked surprised.

"Had an orgasm. My underwear is sticky but I don't recall anything."

Bringing up his hands to run down his face wondering what he did to deserve this. "You had a wet dream Cas. It happens."

"But my dreams weren't wet. They were…you know." Cas said lowering the blankets. He hadn't thought of that. This might be a prelude to another panic attack.

"That's just the term, I don't know the fancy medical word for it. Sometimes guys just…pop in their sleep for no reason." He swung his legs over the bed so he can more fully face Cas. "I had them, Sam had them, just about every guy has them. No biggie, it's just a normal thing. Doesn't mean anything."

"Oh." Cas looked relieved.

"Just…take a shower, and change your clothes. May as well start this investigation."

Cas got up and he got a full view of Cas's still very evident hard on. This just happened apparently. Then Cas noticed he was showing still and attempted to cover up. "Sorry Dean." He said as he scurried to the bathroom with his bag hiding his stuff.

After that, they both filed that under 'we don't talk about it' and began their work. Cas was going to the library to see if he can dig up whatever he can about the place while he did the interviews and scouting. Sound plan since Cas was still wary meeting people. Not to mention he can't interview or lie for squat. However, he liked the research aspect and he was more than happy let him loose on that.

The ranch house had only four deaths in it, and they narrowed it down to either the first owner or the murdered rancher. From the interviews, Dean thinks it's the owner, given the description witness gave. Old guy with a ten gallon cowboy hat named Maurice Smithson. Texting Cas with the updates, they were able to confirm that it had to be him. Grabbing Cas from the library, they had lunch while they planned to do the salt and burn.

"There's one problem with this Dean." Cas said over his hamburger. He had to wait until Cas finished chewing since the guy enjoyed his burgers more than he did. "His family moved the bodies to the newer cemetery fifty years ago."

"Oh don't tell me we don't know where the body is."

Cas nodded, "there was some controversy from the newspaper filings from the time. Apparently the people hired to move them got the coffins mixed up, so he may or may not be at his designated grave site. The librarian told me since I was getting the local history books. "

"Damn, so we might have to dig a lot to find the right grave?" With a salt and burn, you gotta run out that night. And it takes a lot of time to dig that deep down. They don't have the time to check all graves and hope they got the right one.

"I think we can do a spell to find the correct grave."

"What? There's a spell for that?"

"It's ancient Egyptian, made to locate lost tombs. It's not well known."

"And what, you just know that?"

"Read it in one of the books back the bunker. The Men of Letters were well informed. I believe we have most of the ingredients, just need…" Cas closed his eyes, "we need some amber and myrrh."

"Cas you're awesome. Well go find a store and get that stuff then wait until it's dark, salt, burn then run." Cas smiled as he ate the rest of his burger.

It was nifty spell, worked a lot like a locator spell they used on occasion. Using a cemetery map, they found he was buried under his nephews name. Waiting until after it was well after dark, they began digging to the grave. Of course, right when they're pouring the lighter fluid, the ghost attacks. They were both thrown back and he landed on a tombstone. There was an intense pain at his side and he felt he was bleeding. The old man was coming for him and he shot it with a salt round, dispersing it. It reappeared next to Cas, who calmly dropped a match into the hole and poof! No more ghost.

Running back to the car with their gear, they just missed the police coming in to investigate. Since they already checked out of the hotel, he kept on driving until he felt they were a safe distance away. Pulling into yet another hotel, he stumbled as he got out of the car.

"Dean!" Cas nearly shouted as he ran over. Offering his support, he lifted himself up with Cas's help. "You stay here, I'll check us in."

"But…" Cas was already gone, nearly running to the small office. He was back in a minute. Using his keys that Cas had somehow got a hold of, he grabbed their bags and the med kit then back to him. Together they went into the room, which was a double. Maybe Cas is ok with sleeping with himself now. Somehow, that hurt worse than the pain he had at his side.

"Where are you injured Dean?" Cas asked. He lifted up his shirt, he hadn't thought it was bad, but as soon as he lifted his arm he hissed. Cas looked closer, "You have a small but deep cut underneath your ribs. The bleeding has stopped but I think you may need sutures. Take off your shirt."

"You're going to patch me up now?" He mused as he tried to hide his pain.

"Since I cannot heal you as I used to, I did read the first aid manual. So yes, I will patch you up. Please sit down on the bed Dean." Dean did so as Cas brought the medical kit beside him. Resting his hand on Dean's thigh, Cas gently cleaned the area. Since there wasn't much to look at and couldn't see the injury well, he looked at Cas's hand. Then he felt a tickle at his side and he squirmed a bit. "Are you ok?" Cas asked stopping his cleaning.

"Yeah, that's just a sensitive spot you brushed there Cas. Go ahead." Cas touched the spot again on purpose he had to laugh a little bit. "You're as bad as Sam! Now stop it and fix me up." He tried to glare at the smiling Cas but he couldn't, somehow it turned into a smile.

Cas finished cleaning and began threading the needle, he focused once again in the hand on his thigh. "Brace yourself." Cas warned a couple seconds before he began to sow him up. It only stung a little compared to the injuries he has gotten in the past, but Cas was quick and was done in a couple minutes. Tenderly, he lifted his arm to look at it. It was neat and clean, minimal ,if any, scar at all.

"Hey, that's pretty good Cas. I don't think that'll leave a mark." The hand on his thigh tightened in thanks as Cas used the other free one to put everything away. Once it was gone a moment later, he immediately missed its warmth. Then he felt the tickling sensation again as Cas had one hand on his chest while the other was putting on a cream on the wound. After that was done, Cas traced over some the scars he had from various hunts on that side. He had half a mind to tell Cas to stop touching him now, but the feathery touch that played against his skin was somehow soothing.

Then it all stopped and Cas excused himself to use the restroom. He could've swore Cas was blushing, but then, he was enjoying the moment as well. Since he came back to him, he's been feeling closer to Cas than he ever had before. Not just the sleeping together part but in all ways, connecting to him on a human level now. He figured he was trying to fill Sam's place in his life with Cas, not that Cas could though. He was awesome and can still kickass, but he wasn't Sam. He was family though.

Reaching for his bag he pulled out his flask. Waiting until Cas came out, he stayed shirtless. He'd been up know for almost twenty hours and he was beginning to feel tired. Cas must've too since when he finally came out, he yawned. "Come here Cas. Celebratory drink for a closed case." He knocked back the flask and took a drink then handed it to Cas, who did the same.

"It was…nice to do something good for once without it backfiring." Cas said as he handed it back. "I'm gonna smoke one, you want some too?"

"Sure, victory cigar would be nice."

"Cigars are tobacco leaves Dean. This is just marijuana. And this is a smoking room so we can smoke inside."

"Yeah, I figured by the smell. Been in worse." Cas light up the pipe Charlie got him and took a hit before he handed to him. Taking one big hit, he handed it to Cas who took another before emptying out. Cas only smoked a little to just to get him to relax and no more. Lying back, he played with his stomach before stretching out his arms. "You did good Cas. With everything. I think I can get used to this."

"I think I can too Dean." Cas said as he sat on his bed.

"You want to sleep with me? Tonight?" he asked not thinking. He was halfway asleep as is. Where ever Charlie found this stuff, it was way better than the one Cas originally had. He felt a dip in his bed as Cas laid beside him on his non-injured side.

"Yes." Cas said as he placed his head on his chest. He always liked to hear his heartbeat for some reason. Weird that he was shirtless so Cas was against his bare skin, but Cas was warm so whe wrapped an arm around him. Cas responded snuggling closer until he can feel Cas's breathing against his nipple. Oddly, this was not weird, or sensual, it was just…nice.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a Dean POV only, but its a kicker. 
> 
> ==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

 

* * *

"That was not as difficult as I thought it would be." Cas said as he cleaned his machete.

"Easy for you to say Cas, you weren't the one playing bait." Garth got a message to him when he heard they were back to hunting. Vampire nest in Montana needed to cleaned out and they took the case. Why they always choose the obvious and creepy abandoned warehouse to live in was beyond him. He played bait to lure some out while Cas killed the stragglers and saved the missing girls. They didn't get too banged up and the girls were safe, so another win on the Winchester scoreboard.

"These vampires are relatively new, perhaps we should have interrogated one to determine their maker."

He should've have killed the alpha when he had the chance. "The alpha vampire is still out there. Maybe we should try to track him down."

Cas just shrugged as he got in the car the same time he did. "I think we should try to find Kevin."

"What? Why?"

Turning to face him, "he's the prophet Dean. If there is any way to reverse the spell that Metatron used, it would be on the angel tablet. Only he can translate it." Cas looked determined. Of course he would, he always wants to fix his mistakes.

Turning the keys to bring Baby to life, he replied. "Kevin wanted out Cas. After the gates of hell closed he wanted to go back to a normal life. Even if we did, I have no idea where to begin."

"He is the prophet, he cannot run from his duty or destiny Dean." Cas said solemnly.

"Cas, kid lost his mom, girlfriend and his entire life helping us. I think he's done enough. We'll find another way, we always do." Checking the rearview mirror to make sure the fire was mostly out, he rolled down the dirt road back home.

"You have lost as much and more, yet you still continue to help those in need."

"Yeah, but I grew up in this life Cas. He had a normal life, he was getting ready to go to college for Pete's sake. He did his job helping us close the gates."

"Is it because he did not know the trials would end in Sam's death?"

"Dammit Cas, just drop it!" he shouted back. It wasn't because of that he thinks. Kevin only had half the tablet and almost worked himself to death to translate just that. If he had known, he would have told them. He gripped the steering wheel tighter than he should have.

"I'm sorry." Cas apologized sounding contrite.

The rest of the ride was quiet as Cas read a book and he drove. He had the music on but he didn't sing this time. That directionless feeling was starting to come back since there wasn't another hunt lined up for them. It had kept his mind occupied and was beneficial for Cas. The ex-angel was sleeping much better, even alone now.

Though the night a couple days ago was unusual, he woke up in the middle of the night himself with Cas beside him. He was shirtless and cold, except for warmth Cas was giving off. Getting up, he threw the covers back but carried Cas under them first, then himself. He hadn't thought about it, he just did it. Even if Cas eventually had his hand on his stomach when he woke up again, it was nice. Since that night though, Cas insisted on sleeping on his own, though he looked sad every time he did go to bed.

Arriving at the bunker, Cas moved into his room. It had sat untouched since that first night. So he spent part of the day cleaning it out and washing the sheets. When he came back out, he asked if Cas was ok with it again.

Cas rolled his eyes, "I assure you Dean, I can handle it." The way he said it though, he knew there was more to it than just wanting his own space. In all the time that Cas had been here, he was like a piece of gum, always stuck near him. Not that he minded it, he knew Cas had trouble with the concept of personal space. It also made him feel less alone too. In the long run though, he knew Cas would want his own space, he was now human after all.

After dinner and cleaning the weapons, they watched another movie that Cas was once again questioning the logic of. One doesn't question Pulp Fiction, it just is was his response. Heading back to the sleep quarters, he helped Cas prep for bed.

"You know I'm across the hall. If you need me, just yel…call me. Do you want to door open or closed?

Cas frowned at his bed as he got in it. "I forgot how hard this bed is, but you can close the door Dean. Will you be ok?" This was the first time they were going to sleep in totally separate rooms, so he was slightly anxious.

"I'll be good. If you want to come over, just knock ok?"

"Of course. Good night Dean." He closed the door and headed to his room. It seemed emptier now that it was just him. Sighing, he went at his desk since it had een a while he'd look at the pile of papers growing on it. Sorting them, a card fell out onto the floor. Looked like a business card of some sort, that had a website name on it. He remembered that this was the card that he had found on the floor that first night Cas was here. Curious, Dean went to his room closing the door and brought up his computer. Typing in the address it brought him to a porn site.

"What the hell?" he asked himself, what could Cas be doing with something like that. Now he was curious, what the hell had he been doing while he was one his own? What he saw floored him. On the main page it was obvious this was a gay website, since there were naked dudes everywhere. It was an amateur site that claimed to travel the country looking for 'real' men to entertain him.

At the top though was there was someone who looked very similar to Cas. Clicking on the picture he saw more of Cas than he ever wanted in his life. It was posted a week ago, and he thought for a moment this was maybe the jerks who raped him. Paying to view the video, something he never thought he would ever do, he watched.

_"So what's your name?" asked a man from behind the camera._

_"Clarence." Cas said sitting on a couch in a towel._

Cas looked to be coherent, though he was wearing a mask. Hearing his voice, he was a hundred percent sure it was Cas. Only he had that deep gravelly voice.

_"So, why are you letting us film you?"_

_"Simple. You offered me money and I do not object making it in such a manner."_

_"So you're here for the money then? Not because of a fetish or a dare then?"_

_"Correct. 'Modeling' for you in the nude appears to be a worthwhile enterprise."_

_"So you have no problem jacking off for others to enjoy then. None at all?"_

_Cas tilted his head. "Being in a state of undress and arousal seen as a taboo is something I do not understand. The concept of wearing clothes is a purely human invention."_

God, that was Cas all right. Always taking the fun out of things and explaining them in a clinical way. He had to teach the guy that taking clothes off was part of the fun.

_"So, you're a nudist?"_

_"I would prefer to be in my true form, yes. Some clothes do serve a function, such as keeping one warm. Or covered from the sun, prolonged exposure can damage the skin."_

He got the true form reference. If they only knew that Cas's true from would blind them.

_"Oh yeah, got some nasty sunburns in Miami last month when we were there. Though it can give you an awesome tan." Cas just nodded._ _"So, do you prefer women or men? We cater to both of course and I hope that's ok."_

Cater to both? Yeah right, this was a gay site if he's ever seen one. Not that he seen another one of course.

_"I do not identify with any sexual orientation, I find both sexes…beautiful. It's the soul that counts." Cas stated in a matter of fact fashion._

_"That's deep man, well, enough about you, do you want to start?" Cas nodded and stood up and removed the towel. He wasn't hard at all and the camera focused on his stuff for a while. When it panned out Cas was just standing there with an impassive face._

_"Wow, ok, that's a nice dick and some low hanging balls you got there."_

_"Thank you."_

_"Can you pose for us…yeah, like that. Can you lift your arms up?" Cas did and his stomach went taunt showcasing the muscles under there. "Nice…now your legs, can you flex them a bit?" He did so, spreading his long muscular legs as the camera panned up and down there, lingering for a while on his ass. "Can you slap your ass for us?" The camera panned out and the expression on Cas's face was priceless, but he did so and it accentuated the round fullness of it._

"Damn Cas…" who knew underneath that coat and suit was a fine looking man. Wait, what? This is his best friend here…stripping for his pleasure…no, others pleasure. That ass though, Cas has a better ass than some women…oh god, he went there again!

_"Ok, that's good. You can start jerking off now."_

_Sitting down, Cas spread his legs a bit, allowing a full view of his junk and ass. He had little hair on his balls, but it was there, so he was one that went 'au natural'. It was still smooth though, much like the rest of his body. Cas slowly, like he was unsure, started tugging at his dick. Now that the camera zoomed in again, it was pretty obvious he was cut, and was a darker color than the rest of his skin tone. It had a good girth and a very good length at that. The scene focused on that for a while Cas worked himself up. In time, it became apparent that it began to swell and when it was fully erect a few moments later, the camera panned out for a full body shot._

_Cas was a shower mostly, but he grew a bit too, and it was an impressive when set against the rest of his body. The camera stayed at this angle for a moment before the director spoke, "can you…tease us a bit?" Understanding what he meant, Cas let go of his dick for a bit and let his hands roam across his body. When he pinched his nipple, the moan he let go was so sensual, so authentic, it leant credibility to the eroticism of the scene._

Ok, that was pretty damn hot. He liked to play with his nipples when he jerks off too, it was an easy go to spot to really turn things up. From the way Cas was exploring himself, this had to be the first time he had ever done this. The moan he let out went straight to his dick…which was half hard.

_Cas continued playing with himself without touching his dick, and he moved around to let everyone see. It was a good couple of minutes before he returned to his very swollen dick that was leaking precum very visibly. He touched the tip and a little pit of if strung out when he pulled his hand back. He looked at is mesmerized, feeling its viscosity between his fingers. Seeing its lubricant properties, he swiped the rest around the pink tip of his cock and he shuddered, literally shuddered at the touch. Using and alternating between both hands, he his breathing slowed and he moaned softly as he focused his eyes on his dick._

Dean couldn't ignore the fact that he was getting aroused, his own member was at full mast. It couldn't be helped, this was incredibly hot.

_He was moaning louder as the time went on, and his balls began contracting. He was close and the way he kept a controlled pace was remarkable. The camera moved in closer instead of zooming in and the smaller noises he was making was more noticeable. It was mostly the usual 'ohs' and 'ahs' but he said something else. It was almost a whisper and it was obvious that the crew were trying to figure out what. Then he said it again…"Dean."_

He stopped himself, for a moment. Did Cas just say  _his_ name while he was jerking off? That made him more aroused than he's ever been and he couldn't ignore the immense pressure down there. Unable to stand it, he unzipped he tugged his pants low enough so he can relive some the pressure. This was surreal, he was stroking his dick as he watched Cas stroke his.

_The camera pulled back and just in time as Cas reached climax. And it was a huge, his first shot went half way to the ceiling, the next one wasn't as high but there was more of the stuff. After that it was like fountain coming out of Cas's dick, sliding down his hand as Cas gripped his cock tight, trying to pump some more out of it. All this time he had his eyes closed and panted heavily afterwards. The cameraman went handheld and swept in close over the spent body. Cas looked like he was in a daze and smiled, when he stroked himself a little bit more._

_"Holy shit man, how long has it been since you jacked off last?" was the last thing heard as the screen went to black._

Dean came when the camera focused on Cas's blissed out face. His wasn't explosive as Cas, but it did leave a mess when he took his hand away. Looking at the cum at his hand, he realized what he had just done. He had jerked off to Cas in a porno. Cas who was very very much a guy who was no more the twenty feet from him.

Panicking, he wiped himself on his outer shirt before pulling it off and getting rid of the evidence before pulling up his pants. "Shit…shit shit shit." Was all he said as he closed the laptop and threw the soiled shirt into the hamper. That was a side of Cas he had never seen and he had never been so turn on. Oh god, why was he so turned on by this? This was just supposed to find out if this was how Cas ended up raped, but this was before that apparently.

The guy had been raped. He felt sick to his stomach now, he had allowed himself to get off by his best friend who probably never wants to have sex ever. Cas must never know, he must never find out. He'll…he'll have to bury this deep…so deep it would be forgotten. This was not the time, no…there would never be time to talk about this. Cas did this for money, plain and simple. Had he been in the same position, he would've done it. It was for money…since he wasn't picking up the phone to help Cas.

Once again, his guilt was now burdened even more. If he had gotten to Cas sooner, he would have never had to resort to doing that. Yeah, it was hot…no no no, it was not hot! Ok, it was hot because he got off on it. Dammit! All he can do was never talk about it. Period. Cas needed his help in recuperating, getting back on his feet, and hopefully his grace. No more, no less.

Then why the hell did he hope for something more?


	19. Chapter ninteen

==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

* * *

 

 

He hadn't slept well at all, he missed Dean there. Even when Dean was in another bed, he can still see him, hear him. Now he was alone in his room again and even with the light on, there were shadows and it felt like the walls were crowding in on him. However, he tried to calm his mind and did achieve sleep, if fitful. During the ordeal, he had wanted to run back to Dean. His respect for Dean though, and some of his own pride, kept him from going.

Walking into the kitchen he heard Dean grilling something. Bacon by the smell of it, and hi stomach grumbled in its want of the meat. "Good morning Dean."

The pan dropped as he surprised Dean, "Jesus Cas! Don't sneak up on a guy."

Tilting his head, "I did not mean to sneak up on you." The hunter seemed unsettled as he put the pan back on the burner after cleaning it. And he was deliberately avoiding eye contact. Something was wrong.

"Are you alright Dean?" he asked as he put the teapot on. Dean also avoided being near him as he scooted away when he approached the stove.

"I'm good. You good?" Dean answered far too quickly.

"I slept well enough, but you seem…different."

"I have no idea what you're talking about. You want some eggs?"

"Yes, but you are acting odd Dean. Did I do something?"

"Oh…you're good. We're good, peachy actually. Toast?"

He shook his head. Dean was obviously bothered and wanted to avoid talking about it. He wasn't going to push at it. Whenever he's cornered, Dean got upset and moody. "I plan to clean and explore the bunker contents some more. There was mention on some Nordic ancient rings."

"I plan to work on the car, she needs a tune up. And look around getting a headstone for Sam. Look around for another hunt maybe."

Finishing their breakfast they went their separate ways. He stayed in the library for most of the day, heading back and forth from the vault. It was hoped he would come across some artifact that might reopen heaven. The desire to help his brothers and sisters was still great. The mental after effects of the attack are still very much with him. With the pills Dean had gotten him though, he did feel less…damaged, more put together.

Dean was insistent the he follow the medication directions to the letter. Take no more or no less, and if that didn't help, then to smoke a bit. At first, he was confused as to the reason why he was adamant on his directions. Speaking to Charlie though, she clued him in about the version of him Dean encountered in the future Zachariah sent him too. That version of him became enamored by drugs and sex. She asked him not to tell Dean though, apparently he was very uncomfortable about the gospels being read as entertainment. He told her not to worry, he had no intention to become an addict and sex was very unappealing to him.

He had thought of possibly trying to find Chuck since he was a prophet. That may allow him to read the tablet and help him. However, all reports show that he's missing, possibly dead, though the books were still being published. Reading some of the ones that happened before he came into their lives, it was interesting to see some of the inner thoughts of Sam and Dean. Sam may be gone, but he would always be remembered, though not in the form he knew expected. However, history has shown that what was once fiction may soon very well become remembered as history. The idea of Sam and Dean being worshipped though made him chuckle.

When it was late afternoon, Dean was still outside and he was getting hungry. Heading over to the kitchen, he decided to make something himself. Taking an inventory on what they had on hand, he went back to his computer. Finding a recipe that had the ingredients he had, he went back to the kitchen with the printed recipe.

Cutting the onions was painful, since when the tears started forming he wiped his hands on his eyes. That only made it worse. Then garlic and mushrooms were better though, and he cut them neatly. Sautéing the ingredients in olive oil, he put them in a pot with tomato sauce with spices to stew for a while. Then he brought out the ground beef and mixed in bread crumbs and flour with spices to be rolled into balls. Placing those in the oven at a set time, he cleaned the kitchen before moving onto the pasta. That was the easiest part, though he hoped the noodles were soft enough. Once the meatballs were done, he dumped them into the sauce to simmer.

While that was cooking, he looked to setting up the table. The website suggested that a red wine accompany the meal, but they had no wine. Dean preferred beer or whiskey usually, but he cannot recall a time Dean had wine. Making sure there was at least some beer that would be chilled in the fridge when Dean came down, he closed the fridge. The kitchen had no real place to eat, so they usually ate out in the library or in the war room. So he tidied his books away and set place mats he found on the table in the library. Placing the utensils out, he went over to the kitchen to check on the sauce.

* * *

Working on the car always relaxed him. Bobby's yard always had something to fix, or destroy, which was equally therapeutic. Now it was just Baby, and he can devote all his time to her. The downside to the bunker is that there was no garage for her. He might need to build one in time since this was his home now. It was nice to have a home again. He considered the house in Lawrence his only true home for the longest time. Bobby's house was still Bobby's, though it was a safe haven that was always welcome to him. The cabin was just a base of operations since Bobby's burned down. The bunker though, it was both. It was a base of operations, a refuge and it was his.

Once he found out the truth about his mom, how her side of the family were hunters, he knew he hunting was going to be his life because it ran in his blood. Then his grandfather came around and showed them that it was also his father's side that dealt with the supernatural. It was destined it seemed for him to become a hunter. As a legacy, he was entitled to inherit this place and all its mysteries. That was more of a Sam thing though, being an academic. Cas was now the one being a kid in a candy store with the place.

Last night, he couldn't explain when he wandered back into thinking about Cas. He should've stopped but he didn't. It's like he was pulled into a spell, or the time he found a naughty magazine. He shouldn't have looked but he did. What's worse is that it turned him on! And worse than that, it was because Cas was fantasying about him. And more worse still, he got off on it! Maybe it was the pent up frustration he's had for months. Since he came back from Purgatory, he hadn't had the chance to get laid. Though he was wasn't actively seeking sex either, but he wouldn't turn it down. Well, not again. He just got caught up in the video, that's all.

Not that he doesn't mind being the source of fantasies, it's just weird that this was Cas. The same Cas who up until recently, slept in the same bed as him. He even cuddled with him sometimes. But that was because Cas needed to feel safe. That video must've been made before the attack because he could see it in the eyes. Cas wasn't damaged yet, didn't have the lost look he usually had now.

That rape had changed Cas, and he doubted Cas would want to do anything like that again. Guy almost had a freak out about a wet dream for Christ sakes. So it wasn't some plot to worm his way into being in bed with Dean. The only touch he sought from Dean was whatever Dean offered. Never once did Cas asked to be held, or hugged or anything like that. That was all him, helping a friend. There were no sensual or erotic undertones for either one of them. It was just being a friend, platonic and nothing more.

Still, it was unsettling for him to know that Cas had thought of him in that way. It's perfectly natural find other guys attractive, that's the primary reason he watches Dr. Sexy. But he's not exactly wanting to jump into bed with him…though there may have been a dream or two that he had. The fact of the matter is, is that Cas liked him that way, but he was so new to being human, he's hoping Cas doesn't know the implications. Even if he did, that's pretty much dead in Cas now. And that's what hurts, is that Cas's libido is corrupted now. If Cas was attracted to guys, he was ok with that. It may take a while, but he hoped that Cas would get his groove back. He would have to set some boundaries when the time ever came. And if Cas needed to be comforted every once in a while, he'll man up and do it, because Cas was his family.

Doing a full tune up took most of the day for him, and he was hungry when he came down. Sniffing the air, something smelled really good. Poking his head into the kitchen, he saw that Cas's back was facing him while he stirred something on the stove. Cas must've cooked for himself since he was outside all day. Whatever Cas might feel for him, he did always look out for him.

"Hey Cas, what'd you make?"

Surprised Cas turned to face him. "Spaghetti." Eyeing Dean and his dirty coveralls, "you may want to wash up before eating."

Smiling because this was so domestic, "yes honey bear. I'll make sure to wash behind my ears too."

Cas tilted his head in confusion as he left the doorway to wash up. Coming back after taking a quick shower and mostly clean clothes, he sat down at the table. Cas served him a large plate before serving himself and sitting down.

"Special occasion Cas?" as he looked at the set up in the library.

"Nothing in particular. I just wanted to cook since you were busy." Cas replied nonchalant. He had no clue that he had watched his porno last night. Good, it's going to stay this way, because this was nice.

Taking a meatball in his mouth, he was surprised on how juicy and nicely spiced it was. He couldn't help the small moan that escaped his stuffed mouth. "Oh god Cas, this is awesome!" he said after he finished the first meatball.

Cas smiled shyly as he tried to hide his flushed cheeks, "thank you Dean."

His instinct was to wolf everything down, but he realized that this was Cas's first self cooked meal. So he took his time, and since it was delicious he didn't have to fake his moans at all. Cas ate his plate but he knew he was watching him and he was ok with that. He did come through for him when it mattered.

After they were done he helped Cas clean the dishes. At the moment, he mind Cas being so close to him since they've already been closer. There was no need to put himself in a tough spot and worry on something that Cas clearly had no interest in at all. Part of him was disappointed at that, another relieved. Suggesting some television, he simply nodded and let Cas pick a channel. New TV connected directly to the web, so they had even more stuff to watch now. Letting Cas pick, he was not surprised he picked a channel explain stellar formation.

Sliding next to Cas, but not too close to be actually touching, he pretended to be interested. This was a Sam and Cas thing, so he can only keep the pretense up for so long. Turning to Cas, "so, besides cooking that awesome dinner, what'd you do?"

Cas didn't even turn away from the television. "I read a book on angel lore that was mostly inaccurate. There was mention in the inventory about a gold magic ring that reproduces its weight in gold every several days, but I was unable to find it. Then I cooked."

"Magic ring that makes more gold rings? What got you interested in that Cas?" If they were able to find it, hello easy money.

"I was thinking of ways to contribute financially to support us Dean. My skills are limited beyond my linguistic and manual labor abilities." 'Or you can make another hot sex video' he thought to himself. Oh god, why does he keep on coming back to the video?

He coughed to change his train of thought, "we're fine money wise Cas. I mean, it's not like we're Richie Rich here, but this place is rent and utility free. That saves a bundle. Besides groceries, they only time we spend money is if we go on a hunt."

Finally turning to him, "I do not wish for you to continue committing fraud and 'hustling' to earn money Dean."

"Don't worry about it Cas. Charlie set us up with some nice dummy accounts and I have a stash here and there. Seriously, we're fine. Though I can teach you how to hustle if you want."

Cas thought it over for a moment, "yes, I suppose that is a worthwhile, if dubious skill."

He smiled, "some things have to be a two man job Cas. So if you want to be a hunter still, this is how we do it." Had to admit, if he can teach Cas how to hustle, he can expect to get some extra green when they go out on cases.

"Would you mind if I cooked more often Dean?" Cas asked out of the blue, pulling him from the plans to fleece people.

"If you cook like that, then hell yeah Cas." That was the best spaghetti he's had in forever. In the past it was soggy noodles with sauce from a can.

"Thank you Dean. I would like to purchase a herb garden if we get a chance."

"Sure," he replied. "And I don't have a green thumb so you'll have to do it. Last plant I had died in a day." Stupid lucky bamboo somehow caught fire.

Smiling at him still, "I'll call Charlie tomorrow and see about how to get the stuff."

"You and Charlie getting along?"

"Yes, we skyped the other day and I did not panic. Though she did wear a hat to conceal her hair. She said that I was indeed 'dreamy'."

"Well, I'm adorable so I guess you can be dreamy." Never mind that he knew very well that Cas was more than dreamy without his clothes.

Turning back to the television, Cas remained silent as the science show continued. He himself was content on being right here next to Cas. No weirdness, no end of the world crap, just two friends watching TV drinking beer. This was ok, this was normal. This is something he and Sam would have done. It's been a month since Sam left, but somehow, Cas and him were making it together ok.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this before they debuted the garage.


	20. Chapter Twenty

==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

* * *

"I'm sorry Cas." Sam said in the bench across from him.

"There is no reason for you to apologize Sam. You closed the gates of Hell, a worthy goal and deed." Looking around, he saw he was in the park that he was fond of in Heaven.

"I mean for what happened, for not being there now. And for not coming to you sooner."

"You are dead Sam. Am I dreaming?" It was the only logical answer.

Sam shrugged, "sort of, I was kinda hoping you would know what's up."

Furrowing his brow in confusion, "what do you mean Sam?"

Sam let out a sigh, "I know I'm dead. Death himself came to reap me. Said it was an honor to do so." Sam smiled at that. "I asked him to make sure that I stay dead too. You know Dean Cas, he'd try something stupid to bring me back."

"You closed hell Sam, so he can't make a deal. Heavens closed to with all the angels on Earth, so there's not power to resurrect you from there either." It was a distinct possibility Dean would have if he was not inebriated. "So Death reaped you Sam? That is indeed quite an honor."

Sam smiled, "he said 'well played' to me. Guess that was a compliment from him." The smile faded, "I'm in Heaven, but sometimes I get glimpses of what's happening down here. And on occasion I find myself in Dean's head. And now yours apparently." Crossing his arms, "I've been trying to come to you Cas for a while, but you wouldn't let anyone in."

He was apparently gifted with the ability to come in dreams, which is rare for the denizens of Heaven to do. Most were content to live in their happy memories. It was not surprising Sam had this ability considering the bond the brothers had. However, if the person he wanted to dream walk with had their mind damaged or closed, then he wouldn't be able to get it. In his case, it was a combination of both.

"Apologies, though had I known, I would have opened my mind sooner." He tried to sell. There was no way he was able to open his mind since he was so consumed in his nightmares.

Shaking his head, Sam frowned, "I know what you dream about Cas. It's what kept me out."

He hardened his face, "it is not an experience I wish share."

Getting up, Sam took a few steps to him and sat beside him. "I know. And I know that Dean has been there helping you as best he can."

"Dean…Dean has been accommodating me, and I am thankful for that. I believe the time has come for me to wean myself away from him though Sam. Since I am now human and that does not appear to change anytime soon, I want to establish my independence."

"So you want to strike out on your own then?"

"No, I don't want to leave by him. I…just want to maintain a less dependent relationship with Dean. On terms as equals, now that I am no longer an angel."

"You know that never mattered to him Cas. As far as he's concerned, you're family. I think of you as family." Sam shifted so he can look better at him, right in the eyes. "And I know that you love him just as much, if not more than I do Cas."

Hearing Sam say that made him smile a little bit, but the sadness that accompanied such thoughts arrived. Perhaps this was dream, and Sam was just his subconscious egging him on. "Perhaps Sam, but I like where we're at now. I believe I have to first adapt myself to becoming human, which is far more complex than I ever thought."

"And that's fine. I just want you to know that you both need each other now."

Looking down because he know it was the truth. "I know." Turning to look back at Sam, "how is Heaven?"

Sam looked around, "I honestly don't know. It's like the last time I was up there, all the good and happy memories. But then I get some flashes of what's happening down here and I want to talk to you both. Then I'm here. Not complaining, keeps me grounded." Sam put his hand on his shoulder, "look Cas, I'm happy. I did what I set out to do by closing hell. It's just that I'm still worried about you two."

"Your concern is appreciated, but I will…deal with it for now. Have you spoken to Dean?"

"Several times, he just thinks he's dreaming though."

"Perhaps we are." Cas mused again.

Sam smiled, "you know you're not Cas."

He rolled his eyes. "Well, even if I were, this is a better alternative than what I generally dream about." Everything seemed to begin fading out. "What's happening?"

Sam looked around, "time for me to go. One thing Cas." Sam put both hands on as they faced each other. "Dean's not good with words. Just do it. That means more to him than words OK?"

Confused, "What does that mean?" he asked as the dream faded away. Then it fell to black oblivion.

* * *

Once again, he half wanted Cas to wake up screaming so he can charge in there and wake him. Or for Cas to wake up not screaming but coming back to share the bed. It seemed too big now, emptier without Cas occupying the other side. Either way, he wanted to be near Cas because now he realized how much comfort he did take just having him there. The hotels he hoped prepared him, but he could at least see and hear Cas in the other bed. Not anymore. Even with the doors open, he didn't hear a thing or see anything.

It was unmanly to think of such thoughts, but he didn't care. With Cas around, he felt less alone and broken. Cas was family a notion he had to keep in hammering into the ex-angel, and he really was to Dean. Though now it was more to assure him than Cas. That video changed something between them, at least for him. It made Cas…more human.

It's easy to forget sometimes, but Cas was once an angel. In the supernatural world, angels are almost the top dogs other than the leviathans. No other creature or being can really damage an angel besides another angel or angelic weapon. Even the most powerful of demons can only hope to banish or escape from them. The fall and the incident broke that image, but it didn't make him quite human. The video had in fact, showed that Cas was now very much human.

Sighing, he turned his back to the door and hoped to fall asleep. He's still not drinking or taking pills to go to sleep. Maybe he can ask Cas for a hit to help him relax if he was still awake. That was another part that made Cas human. The guy smoked and took meds now. Angels don't need that, but some human certainly do. He didn't much like it, unless they smoked together, but he had to keep an eye on Cas. The thought of Cas going all hippie still disturbs him. Trying to quiet him mind, he just tried to pretend that Cas was there when sleep finally took him.

The following morning they got a call from Garth asking for help with a possible rawhead situation near Boston. Since they did fine the last trip, he and Cas packed up and left for the road again. That case took a while since it involved a lot of stake outs…and avoiding puddles. They got him at the last second though and called it good when word came down about a lady in white not far away. He liked it when hunts coincide with each other like this. Makes him focused, and not think of Sam so much.

That's because instead of Sam, there was Cas in the passenger seat, doing all the nerdy leg work. While that may be Cas's strong suit, other than hand to hand combat, he sucked at playing people. Cas now felt comfortable enough to be around unfamiliar people in small doses. Interviewing hadn't improved since their first 'hunt' all together. He varied from being cool and quiet to loud and scary. He was after all, still a rookie in the hunter world and he needed to be taught what to do. One surprising night though, Cas won almost five hundred bucks in a card game after Dean gave up. Apparently, Cas was not just a walking encyclopedia, but a calculator as well. And nothing, and he means nothing, gets past Cas's poker face.

After that nice money pot was won, they drove back to the motel to 'celebrate' Cas's talent with a bottle of whiskey. Pouring a couple fingers each, he sat down across from Cas. "Let me say again Cas, that was freaking awesome. That look that guy gave you was priceless. He knew he was beat."

Cas took a sip and looked back, "you mean the one in the sunglasses?"

"Yeah, only douches wear sunglasses at night. I knew from the looks of him he was trying to play the table too. It was risky to go against him, that's why I quit before I lost too much." He paused to take a sip. "And then you whip out some cash and you played him! You don't need sunglasses to hide your poker face man, you got it down cold."

Cas smiled, "thank you Dean. It was a simple matter of…crunching the numbers. And I am quite familiar with keeping a stoic face in most situations."

"So it's your money Cas. Whatcha want to do with it? We don't have a hunt lined up or anything so we can do whatever."

He tilted his head, "my money? I thought it was to fund our activities."

"We're good on cash Cas and I have a couple cards, so we're good, seriously. Tonight was just mostly getting some extra padding and fun money."

"Fun money?"

"Yeah, you know, like go see a movie or uh…" he was going to say stripper bar that didn't work out great last time. "Just something fun, and you've been down here long enough. There has to be something you want to do, or see?"

Stroking his chin, Cas furrowed his brows in thought. Then he smiled, "I would like to see Washington DC since we are not far away from there. The monuments and museums I think might be interesting."

He's never really gone through the capitol, not as tourist before. The geeky stuff was Sam's, and now apparently, Cas's thing. But Cas did win the money and he did say it was his call. "Ok, cool. Never been to DC. Hard to do a hunt there since the real FBI are there." He looked at his watch. "We can get there mid-morning tomorrow." Nodding, Cas got up. He looked excited now, and he swore there was a slight spring in his step as he went into the restroom.

The following day after they parked the car at the motel and took the subway into the city, Dean had to admit the place was interesting. He was loathe to leave his baby alone, but apparently when Cas went into tourist mode, he went all the way. Dragging him first to the National Mall, they went up to the Washington Monument. He was fascinated about the Masonic connection with George Washington and his monument. From there, they went to the Smithsonian where Cas was like a little kid. He was reading one plaque one minute, then he was gone listening to a guide then just observing the pieces for their beauty.

Convincing him that they needed to eat, they ate at Bullfeathers. It was a great burger and while he enjoyed the delicious meal slide down his throat, Cas was looking over at travel brochures. He suddenly smiled and put the stuff away to eat his eggplant. Who puts an eggplant in a sandwich? Afterwards, they took off and he saw where Cas was leading them after taking the subway. The National Cathedral.

In principal, he wasn't a man of faith and therefore didn't have use of religion. Then again, he was walking next to a former angel and this was something up Cas's alley. When they came close, Cas turned to him and then looked to the cathedral. "I thought this would be an interesting place to visit. I thought it would be nice to end the day here."

"Looks nice Cas." Looking at the cathedral himself, "you're not going to make me sit through a service right?"

Cas looked offended, "no. I would not want subject you to that. Besides, I would feel compelled to correct whatever sermon they were saying."

He shook his head laughing, "well, you would know better. You meet Luke and everything." Cas smiled and they talked about what the scriptures got wrong, which was a lot. When they neared the building, Cas gazed longingly at the angels depicted and Dean just had his hand on his shoulder, offering his support.

"I miss my wings. Even when my grace was nearly gone, I still felt them. Now I don't feel anything anymore." Cas said in a broken tone.

"Why's you want to come here Cas?"

"Because I wanted to show you something." Cas took his hand and lead him around the exterior of the building and pointed up.

Looking, he didn't see anything remarkable, stone, windows, sky, gargoyles…wait. "Is…is that Darth Vader?"

Cas beamed, "yes, I thought it might amuse you to have an evil character on a church."

"Ok, wait. Darth Vader was badass…but he redeemed himself in the end."

"Exactly, he did the right thing in the end, even though it killed him." Cas said looking up at the stone Sith lord.

He noticed then that they were still holding hands, but Cas's grip was still firm and he didn't want to pull away. Instead, he let the words sink in on what Cas said. He was right, Vader did a lot of evil crazy stuff, but he did it for the right reason, or so he thought, in the beginning. In the end, his sacrifice for family redeemed himself. It was too close to home, and he wondered if that is what Cas was feeling.

"Want to head back?" he asked still looking at it.

"Yes. I think I want to head back home."

"To heaven?"

Cas looked at him confused, "no, to the bunker. Heaven is no longer my home."

He wanted to correct Cas, but then he realized Cas was just admitting he thought home was at the bunker. With him. And for some reason, he was happy about that.


	21. Chapter Twenty One

==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

* * *

 

 

They spent another day in DC before Charlie sent info over about a possible poltergeist in West Virginia. The monuments were grand though he thought they lacked color. The Romans were in the habit of actually painting their buildings contrary to popular knowledge. Dean mostly suffered his 'nerdiness' with him, but he knew it was mostly for show. There were some places that certainly grabbed the interest of Dean, though he would never admit it. It was Dean's style to not portray himself as intelligent when in fact, he is quite smart. Why he did so was beyond him, though Cas suspects it's because of Sam.

One thing they did enjoy was the food, and Dean was more than happy to stuff his face. It was worrying that Dean ate mostly unhealthy foods, so he tried to subtly suggest eating healthier. Needless to say, his advice was ignored. They both slept better when on the road, even though Dean complained about the mattresses not remembering him. It was likely because they can keep an eye on each other, something they cannot do in the bunker.

All through the hunts and their 'fun trips' he learned more and more on human behavior. The irrational fear he had being in large groups of people was lessening, though he did not like anyone in his personal space. Unless it was Dean, then he was ok with that and so was Dean. He had not reprimanded him once whenever he inadvertently was in Dean's personal space. There was still no luck in trying to find a way to send the angels back up to Heaven. Given the lack of news about them, he supposed they were in hiding and pretending to live the lives of their vessels.

It was in a small diner they were about to enter when a young fit man approached them. "Castiel" he called out in a monotone inflectionless voice. Both he and Dean reached for their guns when he put up his hands. "I mean no harm to either of you. I've come to speak to you both."

"That's what they all say before they get all stabby. What's your name, what are you and what do you want." Dean asked in his commanding voice. He always hated being surprised.

"Ezekiel, I am an angel and I want to talk." The revelation he was an angel made his heart seize a bit. The last angel he had encountered had tried to kill him. This was Ezekiel though, a most neutral angel who had helped him in the past.

"It's ok Dean, Ezekiel was once an ally of mine." Which he hoped Ezekiel still was.

Shrugging, Dean let his hand fall away from his backside and gun. "Ok, if you'll vouch for him."

"I do" he replied before turning back to his brother, "why have you sought us out Ezekiel?"

"Whoa, before we go on about this stuff, can we eat? I'm hungry."

Rolling his eyes, "yes, Dean, we can eat. Do you mind joining up Ezekiel?" His brother nodded and they went inside. He and Dean sat next to each other facing Ezekiel.

Once the coffee arrived, Ezekiel was direct to the point. "There is conflict among the angels as to the cause of our downfall. Some are certain that it was Castiel, others say it was Metatron. A few believe it is penance from Father for our arrogance."

"And what do you think Zeke?" Dean asked.

Raising his eyebrow at his name being shortened, he continued, "I am under the impression that Castiel would have stopped this from happening."

He looked downward in guilt, "I am partially responsible. Metatron tricked me into gathering the ingredients for the spell. My intent was to close Heaven with the angels  _inside._ I had hoped that it locked the angels in Heaven, we could then work out our differences and protect Earth. Metatron wanted to exact vengeance for his casting out and so he cast us all out."

Ezekiel tilted his head, "I cannot see your halo brother. What has happened to your grace?"

Dean answered him in his place, "that dick Metatron ripped it out of him. It was the final piece of the spell. Cas's human." There was anger in his voice.

"So it is true, you are human now. I am sorry Castiel."

Looking up, "I am not unhappy that I am human. I am with the circumstances that lead me to be human, but it has been an…enlightening experience."

Dean looked at him surprised, "you sure about that Cas? Being human must be like a downgrade for you." He knew Dean didn't want to let Ezekiel know what had happened to him in the beginning, but of late, he had started seeing the benefits of being human. He put his hand on Dean's thigh, and the hunter seemed a bit surprised, but didn't push it away.

"I am Dean. Yes, there are some instances of where I wish I was not. However, there are now certain things that I can now experience I never could have as an angel, even one with depleted grace." Dean's checks slightly reddened and he wouldn't look him in the eye.

"I'm going to hit the head real quick." Dean said as he abruptly got up.

"Hit the head?" Ezekiel asked as Dean walked away.

"It's a euphemism to use the restroom. How is it that you can communicate with the others?"

"We cannot use our wings and thus we cannot fly, but all of our other powers are intact in general, including angel radio. There are some who have been very vocal on trying to find you and kill you. Others want you to fix this." Ezekiel leaned in closer to him. "We cannot survive down here brother. We are celestial beings meant to be in Heaven. We are all weakened here and we desire to return home."

"I know…but I do not know where to begin to fix this. Nor do I know if I should. Every time I try to fix something, I break it even worse. This latest fiasco case in point."

"Do not belittle yourself Castiel. You did the right thing. Many of us believe in our true purpose now because of you."

Sighing, "I am not certain what our true purpose is supposed to be. Or what my purpose is now, besides trying to fix this and hunt things."

"Was it not you that tried to teach us free will? Now that we are on Earth, we can see it in effect. This was not possible in Heaven, with all of us feuding with each other."

With its regimental hierarchy, and its collapse, it was indeed difficult to find ascertain what free will is in Heaven. He had not thought that being on Earth might be in fact, a good thing for his brethren. Still, they needed to return home. The earth was meant for humans, not demons, monsters or angels. Especially angels.

Dean came back and sat down just in time when the food arrived. Having ordered his heart clogging breakfast usual Dean just dove into eating it. His own healthier oatmeal and toast was bland, but healthier at least. Ezekiel declined to eat, though he did drink the coffee to keep up appearances.

"So, what is the angel squad doing then?" Dean asked between bites.

"Most of us are in vessels, simply living their lives as best we could. Some are without vessels and are still trying to find ones. Others, like myself, are wandering trying to do good where we can."

"Sorta like hunting then?" Dean inquired.

"In some cases, yes. Some are doing minor miracles, healing for example. And some are trying to find a way to return to Heaven. Some know of Metatron's involvement, but none knew how much. May I tell them Castiel, what you said?"

"Yes, but do not disclose where I and Dean are."

"Of course" he replied as a blank look settled on his face.

Dean was almost done, when he looked over at Cas. "I suppose we probably should look for a way to send them upstairs now."

"I have been looking in the library, but this is unprecedented. I believe our best hope is to find the prophet."

"Kevin Tran?" Ezekiel asked, obviously done relaying his message. "He is under the protection of several angels. At his request, we only watch from a distance. And not tell you where he is."

Dean let out a sigh of relief, "thank god, I was worrying about the kid." Then he looked at Ezekiel hard, "what do you mean he doesn't want us to know?"

"To be specific, he did not want you or Sam to know. Where is Sam?"

It was his turn to answer for Dean, "Sam has passed. He sacrificed his life to close the gates of Hell."

Ezekiel was not expecting to hear that. "My condolences."

"Yeah, well thanks." Dean said glumly. He reached under the table and placed his hand back on Deans thigh. Feeling the tension, he added a little pressure just to assure him and he felt Dean ease a little. It was quiet for a few moments before Dean spoke. "Can you get him a message? To Kevin?"

"Yes." Ezekiel said.

"Tell him that Sam…did it. And he can come back and that we need him." Ezekiel nodded. "Ok, I'm ready to blow out of here. Need a lift Zeke?"

"No, I have my own methods of transport."

"It was good to see you again Ezekiel," he jotted their numbers on a napkin, "if you need to contact us. I assume you can still hear prayers?"

"Yes, and I will contact you once the prophet is told."

"Thanks Zeke. See you around." Dean said as he got up, following suit, they paid for the meal and left the diner. Ezekiel came out just as they pulled out of the parking lot. Once on the road, Dean turned up the music and didn't talk. They both were lost in their minds and planning for the future.

* * *

 

It was a mostly quiet trip back home. Cas slept through some of it and then took up reading a book. After a while, he just let the freedom of being on the road take him and forget his worries. Less than an hour away from home, he turned to Cas. "He's kinda like you when we first meet."

Looking at him confused, "who?" asked Cas.

"Zeke. He still had a stick up his ass and spoke like HAL."

Cas seemed to take offense, "Ezekiel is known for being a great warrior and being calm. Nor does he have a stick up his ass."

"Figure of speech Cas. He just reminds me of how we first meet. You were all badass and just looked at the knife I stabbed you with like it was nothing. If I wasn't terrified of you, I would have laughed."

"It did tickle." he remembered.

Dean chuckled, "bet it did. So did you mean that?"

"Mean what?"

"Being human. You said you weren't unhappy."

Cas looked out the window before answering, "I'm not, not entirely. Remember Anna?"

How could he not? She only tried to murder his parents and pop her angelic cherry. "Yeah, what about her?"

"Do you know why she fell? Why she choose to tear out her grace and become human?"

He had to think a moment, "she was tired of blind obedience."

Cas huffed but there was a small weary smile on his face when he glanced over. "Partly, but it was because she wanted to  _feel_. As angels, we feel some emotions, but now that I am human. I…I know that humans feel so so much more than we do."

"Even after all you went through Cas? Because I can tell you, honest to God, I sometimes wish I don't feel anything at all."

"Even so Dean. I miss my wings, I do, but if I ever became an angel again…I don't know." Cas looked back out the window. "I know that with feeling emotions, there are some bad painful ones. But there are also good happy ones too. I wish to feel more of those."

"Well, you're in the wrong line of work for that Cas. We're hunters. It doesn't end happy or pretty for us."

"I don't see how that bars you from being happy. More difficult perhaps, but possible." He rolled his eyes. Great, Cas decided to become an optimist. "I enjoyed seeing the capitol Dean. Thank you for taking me."

"Eh, whatever. As long as you had a good time Cas."

"Maybe we can go on such trips again, for fun?"

"Suppose we can I guess. When we got a moment to relax and there's nothing going on. Right now we got a prophet to convince to help and angels to send back up." They were getting close to the bunker now. "Seeing all those monuments did get me thinking again about setting something up like that for Sam. If I could, I would build him a monument bigger than Washington's."

"And he deserves it, and more." Cas agreed, though they both knew it was an impossibility. "I think he came to me in a dream."

He nearly slammed on the brakes. "He did what now?"

Cas turned to him, "came to me in a dream. I am not certain it was actually him though." He tilted his head, "he came to you too?"

Settling his mind, he let out a breath. "I thought it was just my mind playing tricks on me…I mean…coping with him…gone you know."

"There is no certain way to tell," the tone he used though meant he wasn't sure though.

"You're not sure are you?" he asked with some hope.

"It is…possible. It's a rare ability, for a soul to dream walk from Heaven."

That's his baby brother, doing the impossible again. "But it could be him?"

"There is no way to tell. You may be right Dean, it could be just a way to cope."

"What did he say?" Dean asked, ignoring Cas's skepticism.

"That he was in Heaven. Happy. I don't recall everything. It is not my habit to remember my dreams." Granted, his dreams were just as messed up as his. Still, Sam had come to see them both! For some reason he was happy about that. Then it dawned on him what Cas said. Sam was happy in Heaven. At that thought, all the happiness he felt evaporated in a cloud of dismay. Then Cas added, "Death himself came to reap him Dean. And that he was happy that he was able to set out what he wanted to do in closing hell. He also said we needed each other."

"Well, we're family Cas, course I need you." He paused, "so Death himself came down to take Sam? I guess that's…awesome?"

"It is an honor that he would come to reap him. Though it also means that his d…it is final. There is no coming back for him Dean. I'm sorry."

He figured as much, there was something that just told him that this was it. Sam was gone from here for good. And he's ok with that he thinks, because Sam is in the good place. "It's ok Cas. It's been a couple of months, but I know. Guess I should…well, let's just wait till we get home 'k?"

Cas just nodded as he turned the music back on for him. Cas was getting better at reading emotions and between the lines. He was thankful for that, because this conversation was pulling at his emotions. He was Dean Winchester and he does not shed tears easily.


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

* * *

When they came back to the bunker, he brought the souvenirs he had bought with him to his room. Seeing how Dean personalized his room to reflect his interests, he wished to do so with his. It was another way humans expressed their individuality. In heaven, the concept of individuality was different. For them, there was no need for them to acquire personal effects. They simply  _were_  and it was plain to them who were who. The forms they took reflected their differences.

As a relatively low seraph in the hierarchy, he was not as glorious or powerful as his brothers. His true from was tall yes, but nothing compared to the awesome majesty of Michael, or the incomparable beauty of Lucifer. He was rather plain, though he was well known for having sapphire eyes. A trait that was reflected in the family line he was bound to.

Placing the his usual hex bags on top of his drawer, he put his duffel and shopping bag on the bag. Separating the clean from the soiled, he throw the ones needing to be washed into the hamper. On the trips he or Dean had bought more items to his wardrobe. Dean made sure he was with him after he bought a very loose fitting shirt he liked. Taking it out of the duffel, he looked over it. It was a light blue and had a westernized Indian look to it. It was loose, comfortable and more importantly, he liked it. Seeing it though made Dean nervous, and from that point insisted in accompanying him.

Dean's style of clothing was determined by its durability and utility. The only 'personal' clothes Dean allowed himself were various t-shirts with bands or logos on them. He only wore these on occasion. He took Dean's lead on that, but for his own preference, he actually found the idea of clothes somewhat has a paradox. He liked the looser ones because he felt lighter…and not as confining. This was his body now and the now he noticed such things was the weight and texture of the cloth against his skin. When he had his grace, such input was ignored. Now he can find himself thinking about the clothes for lengths of time.

If he had a choice, we would have preferred to go in the nude. He remembered the disjointed memory of being naked when he was insane. It may be a lingering effect of the insanity, but there are times he just wants to be naked. Then his mind seizes up at the idea of it because it also brings up what happened to him. In addition, he was certain Dean would not approve. Tonight though, he planned to sleep 'in the buff' to see how that feels. He can do so because he now had the privacy of his own room. If he had a choice though, he would prefer to still sleep in Dean's much more comfortable bed.

Taking out some of the books he bought near the Library of Congress, he placed them on top of his desk. Assorted histories, notably ones on the modern age and poems. He still had the knowledge of every language, but knowing a language and understanding a language are two different things. He was browsing through the books when he read on open book of poetry someone left behind.

_Whoever you are, holding me now in hand,_

_Without one thing, all will be useless,_

_I give you fair warning, before you attempt me further,_

_I am not what you supposed, but far different._

_Who is he that would become my follower?_

_Who would sign himself a candidate for my affections?_

_The way is suspicious—the result uncertain, perhaps_

_destructive;_

_You would have to give up all else—I alone would expect_

_to be your God, sole and exclusive,_

_Your novitiate would even then be long and exhausting,_

_The whole past theory of your life, and all conformity to the_

_lives around you, would have to be abandon'd;_

_Therefore release me now, before troubling yourself any further—_

_Let go your hand from my shoulders,_

_Put me down, and depart on your way._

_Or else, by stealth, in some wood, for trial,_

_Or back of a rock, in the open air,_

_(For in any roof'd room of a house I emerge not—nor_

_in company,_

_And in libraries I lie as one dumb, a gawk, or unborn, or_

_dead,)_

_But just possibly with you on a high hill—first watching_

_lest any person, for miles around, approach unawares,_

_Or possibly with you sailing at sea, or on the beach of the sea,_

_or some quiet island,_

_Here to put your lips upon mine I permit you,_

_With the comrade's long-dwelling kiss, or the new husband's kiss,_

_For I am the new husband, and I am the comrade._

_Or, if you will, thrusting me beneath your clothing,_

_Where I may feel the throbs of your heart, or rest upon your hip,_

_Carry me when you go forth over land or sea;_

_For thus, merely touching you, is enough—is best,_

_And thus, touching you, would I silently sleep and be carried_

_eternally._

_But these leaves conning, you con at peril,_

_For these leaves, and me, you will not understand,_

_They will elude you at first, and still more afterward—I will_

_certainly elude you,_

_Even while you should think you had unquestionably caught me, behold!_

_Already you see I have escaped from you._

_For it is not for what I have put into it that I have written_

_this book,_

_Nor is it by reading it you will acquire it,_

_Nor do those know me best who admire me, and vauntingly praise me,_

_Nor will the candidates for my love, (unless at most a very few,)_

_prove victorious,_

_Nor will my poems do good only—they will do just as much evil,_

_perhaps more;_

_For all is useless without that which you may guess at many times_

_and not hit—that which I hinted at;_

_Therefore release me, and depart on your way._

The poem, 'Whoever You Are Holding Me Now in Hand' grabbed his attention. He hadn't even noticed that he had picked up the book and read the poem completely. It was as if the poet, Walt Whitman, was speaking to him directly. It seemed both warning and message of hope, subtle but unusual. Reading more of the poem, he bought this book. Now it sits on his desk, where he will read it in his 'free time'.

There was a couple postcards he had purchased as well, along with one of him and Dean taken by a man selling pictures in front of the White House. He had to cajole Dean into taking it with him, but he relented after he gave him 'puppy dog eyes'. He looked over the picture fondly, he and Dean were side by side with Dean wrapping an arm around him. And they were both smiling, which for either of them, was unusual. However, he felt like smiling then, as he does now because Dean's smile was infectious. This was not a picture, but a moment when they were carefree in the world. He pinned that one within easy sight of his bed.

"I like that picture." Dean said behind him. Startled, he almost jumped and had a split second of panic before turning around seeing it was Dean. Seeing that he had surprised him, Dean frowned, "sorry man, didn't mean to scare you."

Taking a breath, he smiled proudly at Dean. "It's ok. I am just putting up my souvenirs and laundry."

"That's why I came by, I was going to do a load and wanted to see if you wanted to wash anything." Looking at the books, Dean arched his eyebrow, "Walt Whitman?"

"Yes, I am fond of his work."

" _O Captain! My Captain!_ Walt Whitman? Haven't read him since…high school I think."

He tilted his head, "you are familiar with his writings?"

Dean coughed, "uh…not really.  _Dean Poets Society._ It's a movie. But he's good…I think."

"He is noted to be one to the premiere poets in American literature. I find his work…spiritual, close to nature."

Stepping closer to the picture, Dean ignored his comment and looked at it again. "You know, the guy wanted to know if we we're dating. Happened to me a Sam more often than not, being mistaken for a couple." There was a sudden sense of disappointment that washed over him. However, replaying Dean's words, he nearly swore that Dean seemed uncertain about saying that. It was as if Dean sounded like he was disappointed in that. That small sliver of hope balanced him out, allowing him to keep his composure.

"Well, we are two attractive men who have a close friendship. It is not a bad assumption." He wanted to say relationship but that might clue Dean into what he felt. Or at least, what he thought he felt.

"Yeah, no." Dean seemed suddenly hesitant. "Reminds me of a case when Sam and I pretended to be a couple to look into a case." He smiled. "I made sure everyone knew that Sam was the bitch. He was upset but he was the one who got us into that mess."

"An…unorthodox approach even for you Dean."

"It got the job done. That's what matters I guess. I'll do it again if we have too. Did I tell you about Aaron?"

"With the golem?"

Dean hummed a yes, "you know how it slipped by me? Flirting with me. Totally threw off any suspicion I had on him. It's cool if someone, even a dude, thought I was hot. Cause you know, I  _am_  adorable."

"I am not certain adorable is an adequate word. To me, it has a more feminine quality to it, though English is a language that does not employ gender in its words. Rather, I think handsome is better suited."

Dean blushed, "uh…thanks." Clearly Dean was embarrassed. "You're…good looking too I guess?"

"I'm dreamy, Charlie said so." he smiled back, trying to ease the sudden tension.

It worked because Dean laughed, "yeah, that sounds like her. Did she swoon when she saw you?"

"Let's just say that I made her consider batting for the other team."

"You got that reference?" Dean asked surprised.

"She had to explain it to me, but yes, I do. Though I did advise her that sexual orientation was a matter of indifference in Heaven."

"Tell that to Fred Phelps."

"I did."

Dean arched an eyebrow, "seriously?"

"I try not to think about what I did when I was power mad, but yes. I struck him dumb and deaf. As with the rest of his congregation."

Dean shrugged, "sorry, but not about him though, about bringing it up."

Letting out a sigh, "it's fine, I've come to terms with it mostly. It's better to remember what I did than forget, lest it happen again."

"As long as you don't go all penance on me, we're good. Still need you Cas." Dean looked over at his hamper. "Want me to take those?"

"Yes, thank you. Would you like me to cook tonight?" There were a couple recipes he wanted to try.

"Sure, no problem. I'll throw these in, work on Baby a bit then dinner?"

Noddng, "yes, that sounds agreeable. Movie?"

* * *

He thought for a moment, "since you're all about poets, I think we'll watch that movie I mentioned earlier if I can find it." Taking the basket, Dean walked out the door to the laundry room. Behind him he heard Cas putting the remaining stuff in their place. Not for the first time, he thought how peculiar Cas picked up on some of Sam's habits. It was comforting in a way, it meshed well with the way he usually did things.

This was the longest period of time that Cas and he had ever spent together by far. And that was not going to change anytime soon. Nor did he want it to. To him, it was beginning to feel they were reaching some sort of equilibrium. His grief and Cas's pain were still very close to them, but it was becoming more…manageable. He still wished Sam was here and if he could, he would do everything to get him back. However, he had, slowly, accepted that was not ever going to happen.

Throwing the cloths into the ancient but functional washer, he set the machine to wash. Grabbing his tool kit, he wished there was a garage or something in the place where he can park the Impala. Maybe they should go on a exploration mission in the bunker. There were bound to be more places, secretly hidden in the place besides a dungeon. The Men of Letters were like the ultimate secret society. Their secret headquarters had secrets of their own. Maybe he can ask Charlie to come back now that Cas was ok with her. She would probably love it since this was close to a real life Hogwarts as she can get.

Several hours later he came back down after tuning up the car and cleaning Sam's grave. The days were getting colder now and he couldn't stay out there as long as he would want. Knowing that Sam was at peace in Heaven though did lift a considerable amount of guilt from him. Still, he missed his brother and it hurt knowing he was never coming back. He had failed in his one duty, again, to protect Sam, even if it was Sam's choice for the betterment of the world. That was something he could not shake off.

Taking a quick shower, he came out to Cas sitting down at the table ready with food. Apparently he decided to make some type of soup. Given the chilly nature outside, he was grateful that Cas thought of something hearty to eat. They talked about stuff in general, and it was then he realized that he thought Cas as more a person now, with a personality and quirks of his own. He was human, and for the first time, he was happy that he was.


	23. Chapter Twenty Three

==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

* * *

 

"The prophet has agreed to help you once he has located his mother." Ezekiel said over the speakerphone.

"We could help him with that if he wants." Dean offered.

"He expected you to ask as such, but he declines. We offered our assistance and he accepted."

"Our?" he asked.

"Yes Castiel, as in other angels. We are spread across the globe and may be able to locate her faster than you can. Many angels are already looking since it is our best hope to assist Kevin."

Understandable from their perspective, they would do anything to expedite their return home. "Thank you Ezekiel. May I ask that you keep us updated?"

"Of course. And Dean?"

"Yeah Zeke?"

"Kevin sends his sympathies, and he'll let you know when he'll come by for the tablet."

He looked over at Dean, who closed his eyes. "Just let us know," was all he said before he hit end call. Looking up at Cas from across the table, "so I guess that'll be taken care of by the angel squad. We don't have any hunts lined up so I guess we have some free time?"

"Do you want to go somewhere Dean?" he asked. Charlie came by a couple days ago and introduced him to several forms of entertainment. Since he did not freak out again, she stayed a couple days helping out. They found several more rooms and a garage much to Dean's delight. There were some very nice cars that Dean had been spending time on making sure they still work. For himself, he had been busy reading and organizing the files in the bunker. Apparently that was what Sam was attempting to do before the trials rendered him unable to continue.

When Charlie left, Dean was mostly to be found in the garage while he stayed in the library. Dean checked once in a while with Garth to see if there were any hunts. With all the demons gone and some angels taking care of the monsters as well, there wasn't much work for them to be had. Rather than rely on Garth, he had familiarized himself with searching for weird news for possible leads. However some websites were very misleading and Dean became annoyed with him asking to double check his findings.

Then Ezekiel called with the news update and now they were here. He was beginning to experience 'cabin fever' he believed since he had to the desire to go out. It was his hope that Dean would want to go on another 'fun trip'. There were now several places he wanted to go see.

"I was thinking it's time I cleaned out Sam's room." Dean said. The past couple of weeks he had seen Dean come more to terms with Sam's passing. Dean wasn't avoiding discussing Sam anymore, rather, he had been sharing his memories of Sam with him. It might have been the dream visit from Sam that might have caused this. Sam's room though was completely off limits by an unsaid rule.

"Would you like me to help you?" he volunteered.

"Would appreciate it Cas." Dean had a hollow smile on. He can see that Dean was preparing himself for an emotional roller coaster. This was also going to be trying for him as well, but he had to be strong for Dean. Just as Dean was strong for him.

"Of course." They both got up and headed over to Sam's room.

"Sam wanted to have the room farthest away from me. Said I snored too loud." Dean said as he turned the handle.

"I can attest that you do not snore…loudly." Dean didn't snore, though he did murmur in his sleep at times. Humor was a way he knew that ease the tension, though his brand of humor usually happens accidentally.

Dean sighed, "he just wanted his own room. We both did. I mean, we grew up in cheap hotels and the car. Close quarters all the time. When we got here, we had our own space at last." Opening the door, Dean flipped the switch to the light.

The layout was basically the same as his and Dean's room. There was just a bed, a desk and drawer. The bed was meticulously made, but did have an extra pillow. On the table next to the bed there was a glass now empty and a box of tissues. There were some books on the desk next to the type writer and small device.

Walking over to the desk, Dean picked up the device. "What is that?" he asked.

"His iPod." He wasn't familiar with it, so Dean explained further. "It's a music player." Walking next to him, he looked over Dean's shoulder. He was scrolling through the music on the small screen. "He had horrible taste in music. That's why I always drove...until I was gone then he douched up baby." Dean handed it to him, "here, you can have it. I'll stick to tapes and classic rock."

"Thanks…" he said while scrolling the music. He had no idea who these people and bands are. Pocketing it for later, he stepped behind Dean when he opened the closet.

"What do you think Cas? Hold on to them or donate them?" Dean asked looking at the clothes.

"Neither one of us would fit in his clothes." Sidestepping Dean, he lifted a shirt off the hanger. It was tall and wide. If he wore it, it would probably go to his thighs. There was still a scent of Sam on them though. "It smells like Sam though."

Taking a sleeve, Dean held up to his nose. "Yeah it does…I'm…let's just keep them here." He handed the shirt back to Dean who hanged it back on the rack. On the floor were shoes. Dean held up a pair of running shoes. "These though, these can go."

"I'll go find some bags and boxes. I'll be back in a bit."

"Ok." was all he heard when he turned to find the items.

* * *

 

Hearing Cas walk away to find containers and bags for Sam's stuff, he opened the closet again. Leaning closer, he breathed deep trying to remember what his brother smelled like. Sam smelled…fresh and light on the musk. More memories flooded him mind now unlocked because of the scent. There was the time he smelled like grass because he'd been rolling down hills. He was still small then, shorter then Dean.

Then he saw the backpack Sam sometimes used hidden in the back. It was rarely used these days and this must be the first time he'd seen it in years. Pulling it out, he sat in the chair and dumped everything on the bed. All that was in there was a box that was locked and an envelope. Picking it up, he saw it was addressed to him. He just held it in his hand looking at it for moment. It felt heavy, as if something was in it.

Cas came back with some boxes and bags and set them down on the floor. Looking up, "Cas…I think Sam left a letter. For me."

He tilted his head, "would you like some privacy Dean?"

"Ah…no, I want you to stay. Can you put those books in the boxes though?" He pointed to the books on the dresser. There were just ones Sam brought from the library so they weren't of import. Taking his knife out, he opened the letter as Cas began putting the books away. It was dated a couple months ago, maybe a couple weeks before the final trail.

_Dean, if you're reading this then I am dead. It's been a habit of mine to make a letter like this every so often since our line of work usually pretty dangerous. Currently, this is the sixth one I have written. It's like a last will a testament, though I don't have a secret stash of gold to bequeath. And if I'm dead, then you're going to do something stupid to bring me back. Don't. We've messed with death enough times that if I die, I want it to be final._

_These trials are taking everything out of me, but I can do it. At this point though, I think these trials might take literally everything from me. I'm not getting better, and if ending the last trial is anything like the first two, it will kill me. Closing down hell is fair price for my life, and it's my call. Don't blame yourself or anyone else Dean. I just can't talk to you about this because you'll want me to stop._

_That said, I want you know that I still believe that you can have a happy life. You're not a disposable grunt Dean, you never were. There will still be people who need you, like Kevin and Charlie. And I can write this now because you can't say shit to me now denying it. I know you love Cas, and not just like a brother. I see how broken hearted you were when he dies or goes missing. I can't speak for his behalf, but he does everything for you Dean, so at the very least, be nice to him._

_Enclosed is a key to the box that you undoubtedly found with this. Inside are just some of keepsakes. Not worth much but were sentimental to me. Spending our lives on the road doesn't give us much stuff to call our own, but I'm ok with that. I sincerely feel that I did good in the world, even with the setbacks. So just live out your life as long and as best you can Dean._

_Love, Sam Winchester_

He read and reread the letter so many times. This was so like Sam, making a contingency letter in the event he died. It was a sensible precaution since they do tend to die often. This was still like holding a loaded bomb. Every sentence processed was like shot to the heart. Sam knew the trials were probably going to kill him. And he didn't tell him because he would have stopped him somehow. He would have had he known. It's an argument he's been having with himself since Sam died. Pointless to have, but this letter just ended any argument he still may have had.

The part about Cas though…he doesn't know what to make of it. Cas, who was opening drawers and placing the clothes in them in a box, was more than just a friend. That has been true for a very long time. Enough people, Meg, Bobby, Uriel, Balthazar…all of them and more, always saw something more between him and Cas. Sam kept it to himself though, but now he knew that his brother thought the same thing. Apparently they all knew before he did that he loved Cas.

Noticing that he was being watched, Cas stopped and looked at him worried. "Are you all right Dean?"

Folding the letter and answered, "not really, but I'll be ok. Sam wrote a letter, basically telling me not to worry and to not bring him back. He's been writing these for years, just in case he died." There was a fountain of anger boiling inside him now for some reason. "Where does he got off saying that I shouldn't bring him back!? I'm the one who was supposed to do these trials, I'm the one who's supposed to look out for Sam! Not the other way around!" Getting up, he threw the envelope wildly with the key inside.

With his luck, the envelope struck Cas in the chest. Cas looked worried at him before reaching down to retrieve the envelope. "I'm sorry Cas…I didn't meant to throw it at you." he apologized as soon as Cas stood up.

"It's ok Dean. Do you want me to open it?" he asked holding the key.

Sitting down on the bed, he motioned for Cas to do the same. "Sure, let's see what trinkets Sam's been hoarding". Cas was silent as he opened the small metal box. He was facing Dean so he didn't see what was in it first. Given the surprised look on his face, he was curious now. Reaching in, Cas took out a small picture and handed it to him.

It was one of Sam's baby photos, with him holding him. He remembered when this was given to them, after the haunting in their old house. Cas handed him some more pictures. They were ones he never knew Sam had, ones of him, of dad, Bobby, Jess and so many. How Sam got a hold of these would now have to be a mystery forever.

There were also some USB drives that he would have to plug in, but he suspected they were research papers, theories and other brainy stuff Sam liked to think about. There were also some postcards that Sam used to collect when they came to some new place, like the Grand Canyon or Seattle. They were old since he hadn't done that since he was twelve. It was a treasure trove of all the happy things in Sam's life that he held onto. Each photo, each postcard or trinket made him miss him more.

It was difficult to process emotionally, and he was not an emotional person. He felt he was being pulled between crying like a baby, shouting like a madman and dancing with joy. Every item he was handed by Cas he tried to tell a little story about Sam. Talking about him was…therapeutic and cleansing. And Cas was just there, being patient with him as he recounted them. He placed the stuff on the bed, but Cas would put them back in the box. He doesn't know how long they were in there, but near the end, he felt weirdly better, if not more sad at the same time.

"There is one more thing in here Dean. There's a small note attached to it. Shall I read it?"

He couldn't trust his voice, so he nodded. Cas put the box down and read the little slip. "' _I grabbed this out of the trash when you weren't looking. That hurt, but I know why you did it. So I was holding onto it until the right day came around to give it back. If you're reading this, then I will not see that day._ '" When he finished reading, Cas pulled out the amulet he wore for so many years. The sight of it shocked him. Sam had fished it out of the garbage and kept all these years?

"I remember carrying this around the world looking for God. Whatever good that did, but to me, it was also a connection to you both." Cas said holding it up. Handing it over, he felt Cas gently place it in his hand. He looked at it before he knew where it belonged.

"I can't wear it anymore Cas…I don't want to." He said getting up. "I'm reminded enough about Sam without this. But…" he was in front of Cas now. "I want you to have it. He would like that." Cas looked surprised but also got up.

"If that is what you wish Dean, I would be honored." He lowered his head a bit so Dean can slip it on him. Reaching over his head, he placed the necklace over him. Passing his cheeks, he let his hands feel the stubble. When he lowered the brass amulet onto Cas's chest, he reach back up cup Cas's face. He smiled, "this make you a bonafide hunter Cas. This is just a reminder that I l…need you." He let his hands drop. "So let's pack everything except that box."

Cas took his shoulder by surprise and gave him a very strong hug. In that moment, he felt all his barriers break and he just relaxed against Cas. Letting him support him, he let the tears come leak out and mumbled on how much he missed his baby brother. Cas was strong for him, and just soothingly rubbed his back as he guided them back to the bed. They sat, or rather he straddled Cas was he took his time regaining his composure. With is head at the base of Cas's neck, he can smell both Cas and Sam since they used the same shampoo. Nudging in closer to smell it better, he kissed Cas on the neck without thought.


	24. Chapter Twenty Four

==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

* * *

It was light and he barely felt it, the brush of Dean's lips against the back of his neck. Dean inhaled so deeply he could feel the air rushing over his skin. There was a dampness he felt in his shoulder that could only come from Dean, from his tears. He could feel the pain in Dean, but only then he can only feel so far, the true depth of Dean's pain would be forever unknown to him. Just as Dean would never quite understand how truly damaged he is. While neither one of them can fully know each other pains, they can help lift each other out of it.

So he held on tight, not reading into the kiss that Dean gave him. This was not time for that, right now he was here for Dean, not himself. This was the most emotionally compromised he has ever seen Dean, and the fact he wasn't pushing him away was a testament to their bond. So he continued holding him, in his silent way, let him know he was there.

If he were an angel still, he could have simply tweaked the emotions and memories. Why anyone would want to feel the bottomless hole of despair was something an angel could never understand. As a human, he knows now, painful as it may be, that this can actually be a benefit. Did he know what that was? No, he did not. But emotions like love, compassion and life in general can be felt more keenly. He was…more aware of being alive. There was more to being than just being, there is living.

As the time passed, he felt Dean relax further against him to the point he thinks Dean was asleep. Emotions can be a very draining experience, especially for one who is not used to expressing them as Dean had done. Using what strength he had and with difficulty, he was able to carry Dean to his room. Gently lying him down on the bed, he took off the hunters shoes and left the door open.

Back in Sam's room, he finished packing everything into boxes that should be stored. He wasn't going to throw or donate anything of Sam's. The man had so little in life, so little left of him to remember him by. Granted, his actions have saved the world numerous times and his name will live forever. Physical evidence of his life was scant, and what there was, he was going to preserve. That was the function of the bunker, to protect and preserve.

With Charlie in previous days, they had found another set of rooms and storage facilities there were mostly empty. He was going to place those items there. There had to be some magic to the place to keep everything well preserved. The bunker still held a great number of mysteries, from the practical why is there power to what exactly is that thing? Since there was nothing of importance going on and Dean recuperating, he figured he can spend time exploring some more. He also wanted to ride the motorcycle they have in the garage.

Looking at his watch, he hadn't realized how much time has passed since they started packing Sam's room. One bad side of the bunker, there was no way to tell when it was day or night. He had finished cleaning Sam's room and placed everything in storage. Items Dean might want to go over he had in the library. The memory box Sam left he placed in Dean's room. When he entered to leave it there, Dean was still asleep but having a fitful one. He knew that emotional turmoil can affect the body negatively.

Feeling hungry, he opened a can of soup and made himself a sandwich. Dean would ask for food if he wanted it. He knew the man disliked being treated like an invalid when was ill. Feeling tired himself, he tided the kitchen, took a shower and went back to his room. For the past week he had taken to sleeping in the buff. Somehow, he felt less constrained and at ease when he slept like this. Keeping the door open, he let his mind wander, hoping for a restful sleep himself. The nightmares still come, that was something he could not stop. He can however, try to process them when he woke up. By refusing to let them interfere in his life, he remembered what happened, but did not let it dictate is life.

* * *

The last thing he remembered was smelling Sam and tasting Cas, feeling the warmth enfolding him before he fell into black oblivion. When he awoke, he was in the cemetery where the big showdown was to begin. There in the middle was his father, John Winchester, who has not been seen in years, not since the Hell gate. He was standing tall, but his face was one of anger, one that shown when he or Sam did something wrong. Even now, as a full grown man, he was intimidated by that face. "You were supposed to look out for Sam. You had one job, one! Keep Sam safe!"

He cringed at the accusation because it was true. That was the one thing dad always drilled into him. 'Watch out for Sam' or 'take care of Sam' was like a mantra. When Sam left for college, he still tried to look out for his brother. Making sure the area was always clear of monster activity, checked out his place when he came through. Hell, he sold his soul to make sure Sam came back.

"I tried, I tried to keep him safe." he pleaded.

"You didn't try hard enough Dean! You can't make the hard choices can you?"

"But I did! I did everything I could! It should have been me to do the trials. I should have said yes to Michael...it just didn't work out that way." The glare he got from his father made him feel small, weak and pathetic.

"You best wasn't good enough Dean." John stalked close to him and he fell to his knees in fear.

"Enough!" Sam shouted. John and he looked at Sam's direction. "I  _chose_  to do the right thing, even if it meant sacrificing my life. Dean couldn't have stopped me even if he had known."

"It was his responsibility to watch over you! He failed in that like he failed everything else. He failed me, he failed you, Bobby and even that pansy angel."

"Cas is not a pansy! He's an angel and a pretty bad ass one!" Sam argued back.

"I raised you both to fight, to take of each other. Not to make deals with the devil and screw angels!"

Sam looked mad enough to start throwing punches while he himself was paralyzed by this exchange. This was almost like the epic fight Sam had when he left for Stanford. Crossing his arms, Sam continued "yeah…some raising. Look, I know you did the best you could. But you have to admit, we had shitty childhoods, and you were gone for long stretches sometimes. Dean raised me, maybe more than you did. He took that deal to bring me back."

"Something that shouldn't have happened if he had done his job." Their dad retorted.

"You asked him to kill me! If I ever went bad!"

"And he failed to do that too." John said. "He was supposed to put you down if you became a threat."

"You can't have it both ways dad! Dean is the best brother anyone could ask for. He's my brother. He still loves me even after all the shit I pulled. I love him too, even though it's because of  _you_  that he thinks himself worthless. We all made mistakes, but we did our best to learn from them, to fix them." He turned to face Dean directly, "Dean, you're worth the world, and not just to me, but to Cas as well."

"He doesn't deserve your love, or mine or even that gay angel."

Sam paid him no attention, "you do Dean. That's not dad, that's you own mind fighting with you. Dean…I love you, mom, dad, Bobby…we all love you . And you deserve all of the love. You deserve happiness. And you do deserve Cas if you let him."

"That's crap and he knows it. He doesn't deserve it, not for letting you die, for letting me down."

Sam turned to John, "you don't have the right to say what he deserves or not. You're fear...his fear of feeling self-worth." He turned back to him. "The only way to move on Dean is to let go. If you keep in carrying this fear, this guilt, that if you keep on holding on this, you're not going to have room for anything else."

John once again gave him a glare, "you know you deserve every moment of pain, of guilt. To remind you of your failure to save Sam. You want to live with it."

"No Dean, you don't." There was slight shaking and he saw the hole to the cage open. "You're forgiven, now you have to let go Dean."

With that last word, Sam grabbed their father and together, they fell into the abyss.

"Sam!" he shouted sitting up in his bed. He felt damp and realized he was sweating, but he also saw he was not at the cemetery, but at the bunker. "It was just a dream…" he said to himself. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Dean?"

He looked at the hands owner. Cas was next to him kneeling beside the bed. "Cas?"

"Right here." Cas lifted his hand to fell his forehead. "You feel feverish, and you clothes are not suitable for sleeping." Reaching down, Cas lift his shirts over his head. He didn't resist, he was still reeling from the dream that felt so real. "Lie back" There was slight nudge to make him fall backward, which he did. Cas unbuttoned his pants and took them off along with his socks.

Was that really Sam again? Visiting from Heaven? And was that really his father or a figment of imagination? Either or, it was all too real and he was numb from it. Just the memory alone of Sam jumping in the hole was terrifying. Then he felt something on top of him. Looking up, he saw Cas was throwing blankets on him.

"I believe you have a fever Dean," Cas said. "I heard you call out in your sleep."

"Thanks…" he mumbled, he felt cold, not warm so he huddled under the blankets. "It was…pretty bad."

"Was it about hell?" Cas asked standing over him.

"No…it was a fight between my dad and Sam. About me." He looked up…and right into Cas's junk. Scrambling back a bit, "what the hell Cas! Why are you naked?"

It was if he just noticed he was naked, Cas used one hand to cover himself up. "Uh…sorry. The pajamas are itchy and uncomfortable so I don't wear them. I was worried so I didn't get dressed."

He woke Cas up, and he was so concerned about him he didn't bother to wear clothes. The fact that he wasn't wearing clothes became secondary. "I can go if you are uncomfortable."

"S'ok" he said, then seeing why the hell not, he lifted the blanket a little. "C'mon, it's cold."

Cas tilted his head looking confused, "I can go back to my bed Dean."

"I…I want you here Cas. Please?" He was cold, but not because of the temperature in the room, but because he didn't want to be alone. That dread was still seeping into reality from his dream.

Cas sunk into the bed next to him. "You still look troubled Dean. Are you certain you want me here?"

"Yeah, I do Cas. Just tonight though…I…don't feel all that great right now. You here helps, naked or not. Just be careful where you point that thing though." The heat the Cas radiates was already heating up the blanket.

"I know…you feel asleep in Sam's room. I brought you here to rest."

"You carried me? From Sam's room?" That's right, he was in there. He hadn't even thought about how he ended back in his room.

"You are not that heavy, though you can stand to eat less greasy food." Cas said settling the pillow into a position he would be comfortable in.

"Cas…thank you."

"You were there for me Dean. I'll always be there for you. You just have to ask. Also, I like this bed." Cas settled mere inches from him. He couldn't see much of anything besides his outline since the door was closed too.

"It remembers you." he joked. Somehow having a naked Cas in his bed was not odd at all. If anything, it was what he expected…comfortable.

"Are you sure you're ok me being nude? I can always get something to wear. To my understanding, you don't sleep naked with someone else unless you're going to have sex."

His checks flushed because he can feel the blood flowing to them…and somewhere below the beltline. "Uh, not all the time Cas. I mean…yeah, usually." He realized that Cas was talking about sex, which was a subject they both avoided for obvious reasons. Was this a turning point in Cas's recovery? "So…you think about…it then?"

"Doesn't matter. How about you Dean? Do you want to talk about the dream you had?"

He thought for a moment, then seeing no reason to hide stuff from Cas since he opened up. "It was dad, arguing with Sam about how I failed them, how I don't deserve to be loved or happy. Sam was arguing back at him saying I did deserve to be happy. This was in the cemetery in Stull, so in the end, Sam dragged dad back down and I woke up."

"Do you think it was really Sam?"

"I…I don't know. He might've been, but he did say that wasn't dad. That he was a…representation of my guilt and fear." He changed position so he can lay on his back. It was dark but he didn't want Cas looking at him. "Thing is, everything he said was true. I got Sam killed…twice, on my watch. Sam said it was his choice though, and that I can't let that stop me from living my life. I…I just don't know what to do Cas."

Cas reached over and pulled on his shoulder. Then quietly lifted himself so he was positioned leaning over him. Then he bent down and kissed him. It was…light, more of a question but also a show of how much Cas cared for him. It ended too quickly when Cas pulled a bit back. "Dean, you shouldn't think if you deserve something or not. You are worth it, all of it."

Letting the words sink in, Cas moved to be beside him again, but this time, he somehow slipped is arm under his neck. "You deserve happiness Dean," Cas breathed on his chest as his other arm wound around his waist. He felt the stubble of Cas's chin, the warmth of his body beside his, and even felt the member against his thigh. That was all irrelevant right now, because he felt safe. He was warm and with all the emotional dams broken today, he was actually happy. Using his own arms and body, he snuggled closer to Cas.

"Thank you," he whispered.


	25. Chapter Twenty Five

==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

* * *

There was an annoying ringing beside the bed that woke him. Trying to reach for it without moving himself or Dean too much it too a moment to get the phone. Not bothering to look at the screen, he answered the phone in a whisper. "Hello?"

"Cas? Where's Dean?" It was Kevin calling.

"He's asleep. Is there something you need?" Dean shifted in his sleep.

"Uh…ok. Well, I just wanted to let you know they found my mom and she's ok! So I'm going to go see her and then I'll be there to help you guys out. The angels are not as restless now, so we can take a breather. Be there in a week or so."

There was a happiness and relief in the young man's voice, so he smiled. "That is good to hear Kevin, I'll tell Dean."

"Tell me what?" Dean asked sleepily with his eyes closed.

There was silence from the other line, "are…are you guys in bed?"

"Yes." he simply stated.

"Oh….OK, I guess. Uh, I'll let you guys go. Call you later." Then line went dead. Putting the phone down on the table, he resumed his position behind Dean.

"It was Kevin, they found his mom. He'll come here after he sees her."

"Cool..." Dean added groggily before snuggling against him again. The man felt warm but he didn't have a fever anymore. The stress of what was going on his mind had passed. Dean was going to be ok. The question was now if he was going ok with this. The feeling being next to Dean once again was comforting, but his wandering mind came to point where it wondered about engaging in certain activities with Dean. In the past, it was theoretically pleasurable and hoped for. Right now, it was filling him with dread.

He had kissed Dean, right on the lips last night. And Dean didn't do anything. He just sighed, thanked him and went back to sleep. Maybe Dean thought it was a dream. He didn't know what was worse, that Dean thought it might be that or that he ignored it. Or the best/worst scenario, where Dean knew it was and would be pissed.

Slowly untwining himself from Dean, he needed some air. Grabbing Dean's robe before embracing the winter morning, he tried to calm himself. Barefoot, he walked a little beyond the bunker door to watch the rising sun. These emotions and impulses were still perplexing for him. Becoming human is the single most confusing, exhilarating and surprising experience for any angel. Getting cold and finding his resolve, he headed back down.

Dean was still asleep and he suspected he was going to be for a while. Yesterday was a very draining for Dean, both physically and mentally. He figured he needed to have a breakfast to regain his strength. Cooking up Dean's favorite, eggs and bacon with pancakes, he put them on a tray was about to pick them up before he stopped.

He was not certain Dean would appreciate such a gesture, it might be…to straightforward. Breakfast in bed is something you do, he read, with a loved one, such as a spouse or significant other. Dean had enough emotional turmoil, they both did in fact, to deal with whatever was between them. Sighing, he just picked up the tray since it was already set, they'll deal with it.

He wasn't in the bed but rather looking around when he slipped in. Dean heard him but didn't look up, "hey Cas, seen where my robe went?" He didn't reply because he was enjoying the sight of a half-naked Dean.

Coughing slightly to being attention to himself, "yes Dean, I believe I do."

Finally looking at him, Dean saw he was in the robe, then saw the food. "Breakfast in bed Cas? When did you become a full service helper?"

Ignoring the question, he replied, "you did not seem well yesterday, I thought you might have wanted to rest today." It was an innocent enough answer, and accurate.

Dean shrugged, "yeah, but I am feeling better now." Dean took the tray from him after taking a piece of bacon, "thanks." He took it and sat on the bed. "Not bad Cas…" he said smiling at him still standing in the hall way.

"You're welcome."

"Did you eat?" Dean asked stuffing the toast in his face.

"Not hungry." He wasn't, but was suspicious of Dean's happy attitude. All too often, it was a cover for something else.

"Your loss." Eyeing him after he was done chewing, "you know, we do have other robes. Wait…are you still…uh, naked under there?"

"Yes. Do you want your robe back?"

"Uh…no, you can keep it." He left the tray on the bed and threw on some sweats and a henly. "Thanks for breakfast…and, ummm…last night."

"You have done the same for me." He hesitated for a second, "I packed the rest of Sam's belongings and put the box on your desk. Kevin will call again later but he'll be here in a week."

"Thanks Cas. You know…I think it's about time to teach you how to drive." Dean smiled at him, "in case you needed to drive when we're on a case or anything. It's an important skill."The thought of Dean teaching him to drive lifted his spirits. And Dean seemed to be in a good mood. That boded well after what happened last night. "Maybe afterwards, we can go to a bar, have some fun." Dean smiled his mischievous grin. He was most certainly in a good mood. "Guess we'll have to take my car, the other ones can't handle the ice and snow. Ice sucks, but if you can drive in it, you can drive on anything."

"I promise to be careful Dean. The Impala is precious to you and a holy relic."

"She's a classic Cas, not a relic. Those other cars are relics. Thinking of selling one or two once I get them up and running." Dean said as he went to the dresser. "You won't believe what some people are willing to pay for cars in those conditions."

"Is it wise to sell them? Could they be cursed? They are stored here in the bunker for a reason."

"Yeah, the reason was because the Men of Letters liked to cruise around in style. I checked out the records man, they're fine. I wouldn't repair a Christine."

"I don't understand that reference."

"Ok...adding another movie marathon to the list. Stephen King is a great writer, all the classic horror movies. Carrie, It, The Shining…man, he's awesome."

Dean had a fondness for movies, outrageously inaccurate as they usually are. He did enjoy them and there were not some references he understood. "That's sounds good too Dean."

"Cool, let me take a shower and we'll head out. Thanks for breakfast buddy." Dean said has he walked by him. Sighing but smiling, he grabbed the tray to take back to the kitchen. Dean's good mood can be infectious.

"God dammit Cas, tap the brake don't slam it down." Dean leaned over the dash, "I'm sorry baby…I'll give you a nice detailing job ok?"

Rolling his eyes, "the brake is very sensitive as is the gas pedal."

"You have to get used to it." Dean replied still showing affection to his car. "Every car is different but baby's special. You gotta treat her right. Listen, it takes a while, but you'll adjust. At least you're better than Sam. Now let's do it again."

He put the car back into drive and tried the mini-obstacle course Dean made in the abandoned parking lot. It was makeshift but it served well, on the way here he read the state handbook on laws. Dean tried his best to instruct him, and after several hours, a long time-out and much mumbling, he got the hang of it.

After completing the course, Dean wanted him to drive on the road. Since it was still light and in a rural area with straight roads, there was little concern. Instructed to go where he wanted to go, he drove to get used to it. Dean sat rather tense next to him, but he could sense the pride Dean had in him. He felt proud himself, finally getting to master an ability that was actually useful. "Thank you Dean for showing me how to do this."

"No problem Cas, when we get back, gotta show you how to hotwire a car. Just in case. If anything happens, I don't want you hitching a ride again. Steal a car and drive." There was a note or sorrow in his voice. Dean was looking out for him in his own way.

"Can we listen to some music. I see how you like to drive with music, maybe it's different since I am the one in the driver's seat."

"And this is why I rarely let Sam drive. But yes, driver gets to choose the music, I gotta shut my pie hole."

"I thought it was cake hole."

"As if I would eat cake. When have you ever seen me eat cake Cas?"

He had to think, "I don't think I have seen you eat cake. Regardless, I choose. What is on the radio?" Dean reached over and turned it one, the station that came through was something that had a lot of bass and fast beats. He didn't like it. "That sound is annoying."

"Dubstep is for douches. Let's see…" Dean answered as he changed the dial. The next station was more laid back with a man singing in a southern accent. It was about a beach and his voice was low, the guitar made a good sound to accompany the lyrics. "Country music…have to admit, I like it sometimes."

"This singer sounds pleasing, and the lyrics do invoke a pristine beach to relax."

"Country has a way of…expressing itself directly. The way the words are sung give them weight and feel. It's not like rock, where louder is usually better. Guess each style of music has a different way of getting its message across." The song changed to a woman who started singing about her cheating husband. Listening to it, he can sense the anger she had for him, but how she turned that into strength and left him. It was interesting.

"I think I like country, but what else is there?"

Dean turned the dial, "you don't have to decide what music you like Cas. Everyone has their tastes and it can change. I like rock but Sam liked more current, or pop, songs. It's always changing, but if it sounds good, it sounds good." He hit across a station broadcasting 80's classics. He and Dean listened to a myriad of stations along the back roads of Kansas, driving together.

* * *

"Pull in to there, that looks like a good place to eat." he told Cas. It was nearing dusk and they had been driving for hours. His stomach was rumbling since it had been several hours when he last eaten. Since he didn't complain, he guessed Cas was hungry too.

"One thing about being out in the boonies," he said as he got out and checked the parking, "is that they usually have the best diners. And I can use a burger."

Throwing him the keys which he handily caught Cas replied, "burgers do make you and I happy."

"I haven't made you my burgers yet have I?" he said opening the door for Cas.

"No, not yet."

"You gotta try them. I've culled all the best ideas across the country and put into one awesome burger." He said proudly.

"You want a menu or do you want to go back there and help Dev?" the waitress asked as she came to their table. Looking up, he saw a pretty young woman with blond hair smiling at them both. She seemed nice, and very nice to look at. Feisty too to overhear them and throw in her two cents.

Turning up the charm, he was about to answer before Cas answered first. "If he needs help, I can go back there. Dean's used to eating what I make." Looking at Cas, he saw that Cas had on his cheesy smile. Coupled with his twinkling blue eyes, he saw the waitress smile even wider.

"That's so cute! I love a man who can cook." Was she giving Cas her flirty eyes? Yes she was. Holy shit, he was outmaneuvered by Cas! He didn't know if he should be proud, jealous or upset. Bringing up her pad, she tried to return to her duties. "But we can about that later. Dev is a hell of a cook and we have the best burgers and shakes in the state. Now what can I get you angel?" She batted her lashes at Cas.

"Can you give us a minute to go over the menu?" he interrupted, trying to 'save' Cas from embarrassing them.

She turned slightly to him, "sure thing sir, anything either one of you want to drink.?"

"Water for me, beer for him if you have anything."

"No problem angel, be back in a minute." She replied as she walked away with a bit too much sway in her backside.

Once she was out of earshot, "dude, she is totally hitting on you!"

Cas tilted his head, "she is not hitting me."

He ran his head over his face, "I mean she was flirting Cas."

"Oh…I know. I tried flirting back."

"Wait, you want to tap that…er…I mean, uh…"

'If you mean have intercourse, then…maybe." Cas said nonchalantly.

Ok, that was new to him. The idea of Cas getting it on…was making him feel things. "Uh…you want to…you know, do that?" He asked haltingly, not really hoping for an answer.

Cas looked over the menu, "not in particular. I thought it was normal to return flirtations."

Inwardly, he took a deep breath. "Yeah, you're right. If we polish it up some, maybe you can use that charm in solving cases. If you're Ok with that."

Cas looked uneasy, "I am not certain. Friendly banter is nice, but deliberate lying still makes me uncomfortable." Baby steps Dean he had to remind himself. There is still a lot of baggage to get through.

"No problem, I can do it. Want to go to a bar after this? Just for fun?"

"That's fine. It is sometimes hilarious to watch people in an inebriated state."

"Oh, you boys going for drinks afterwards? There's a bar 'bout a mile up the road. Bit of a dive, but good fun and cheap drinks. I'm off in an hour and was thinking about going up there." She said leaning one hand on the table towards Cas's direction.

"It would be…nice to see you there…"

"Emily. And you angel?"

"Cas, and I'm no angel." He knew what Cas meant since he heard the tiny amount of sorrow in his voice. April on the other hand didn't notice and took it another way.

"I bet…hope to see you there. You ready to order?"

She took their orders, which was exactly the same. Cheeseburger, fries, pop and a slice of pie. Dean's all American dinner. It wasn't a bad burger either, but not the best he has had. Cas on the other hand enjoyed the burger and made sinful noises when he ate it. He was so going to make his burgers for Cas and knock his socks off. April came by to drop off the check and it didn't escape him how her hand lingered on Cas's shoulder. He stiffened at her touch, but kept a pretty convincing smile on his face.

After he paid and they walked to the car, he looked over at Cas. "You sure you want to go? I saw you freeze up in there when she touched you man." He asked before getting into the driver's seat. Night driving with a nervous newly human driver it not a good idea.

"I want us to go, so yes." Cas replied. He can sense the nervousness rolling off his buddy.

"Ok…if you want to. She's really into you. Play it right, you might get lucky. If that's what you want. If not, then you got to let her know. Women don't like being jerked around. " He should know, he's gotten a lot of pissed of women because of it before he wised up.

"I don't know Dean. She is attractive and I do feel an urge to copulate with her. At the same time, my stomach is feeling bad. I…just want to move on from what happened and this might be good. So I thought why not?" He looked out the window, "I wish I had some marijuana to calm myself."

"Couple of shots will do the trick. I promise. You got your phone and everything on you?"

"Yes."

"Cool. If she want to take you back to her place, let me know. And try to give her all the tests, holy water, borax and silver. Don't think she's anything, but be on guard. You run into trouble, you run and get me." Wait, was he volunteering to be a chaperone for Cas?

"I'll try Dean. First sign of trouble, I promise to come back to you."


	26. Chapter Twenty Six

==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

* * *

 

 

                Pulling into the bar, April was proven right, it was a dive. It was almost like the roadhouse. Off the bat, he knew there was no point in hustling here and with Cas basically set for a hook up, he didn’t have the liberty to get some himself. Not that he cared, sex to him was not all that appealing as it was before. Guess it was going to be watch the TV and play an honest game kind of night.

                Coming to the counter, he ordered two beers and three shots. One for him and two for Cas. He was lightweight so these two should be more than enough to get him to the right point. No sooner than the bartender put the drinks down, Cas kicked one back.

                “Whoa there Cas…gotta pace yourself. Drink too much and you’re a mess. Not to mention you don’t want to have a whiskey dick.” He handed Cas a beer and left the shots alone for now.

                Taking a sip, “what’s a whiskey dick?”

                “Drink too much and you can’t get it up. If you’re at that point though, you probably won’t remember much anyway. Just have enough to get a buzz. Since you’re human now, we have to be careful. We don’t know your limit and I’m sure it isn’t a whole liquor store anymore.”

                “Ah yes…that was a memorable experience. I flew in after they were closed and opened one after another. It took a good deal of time, but by the time I drained all the rum and wine, I was feeling buzzed. I think I was drunk by the time I finished with gin and vodka.”

                “Geez Cas…still can’t believe you went on a bender. I thought you were possessed when I saw you.”

                “It wasn’t a good day that day.” Cas said as he fiddled with the amulet. He had forgotten Cas was now wearing it.

                “Hiya boys!” April said behind them. Turning, he had to admit, she was smoking. How she changed and put on make-up that fast in the small time between here and the diner was amazing. “So who’s gonna buy me a drink?”

                 Cas turned around to signal the barman for more drinks. Though he still couldn’t believe he was playing wingman to Cas, it was for a worthy cause. So a little part, big part really, of him was really jealous about Cas getting laid. Just last night the man was naked in his bed, but it wasn’t romantic or erotic at all. He had watched that video, several times since, and how he can be turned on by it. That Cas though is different from this Cas right now. 

                She took Cas by the arm as soon as the drinks arrived. They went over to the corner to obviously have some space to themselves. So he stayed silent as he kept on eye on them and eyed a potential pool game. Then April came over to him with a meek looking Cas. “Dean right?”

                “Yeah…something wrong?” he asked. She looked happy and not offended, which was a plus. Cas on the other hand was looking at the floor, timid.

                “Oh no…Cas here just a little surprised is all.”

                “Surprised? About what?”

                “Back at the diner, I watched you two. You’re joined at the hip, and I saw you looking at me too. Don’t deny it, I know I’m hot.”

                He arched his eyebrow, “ok…so what are you getting at?”

                She smiled so sweetly as she leaned in close as he took a swig, “I figure, why not get these two studs tonight? I’m sure they’ve done a threesome before.”

                He nearly spit out the beer. Was she proposing what he thought she was proposing? “Come again?”

                “Look, I like threesomes, but it’s hard to find two guys ok willing to do it. Two girls? No problem, but two guys? Yeah right, not here at least.”

                Cas looked up and he can see that Cas was utterly lost in this. So was he, but he had more experience so Cas was deferring to him obviously. It was a damn tempting offer, but at the same time with Cas? He quickly went through the pros and cons. Pros, they both got laid, he can keep an eye on Cas and he got to see Cas in live action. That in itself was enough. Forget the cons, this is going to happen. 

                “I’m game if you’re game. But I gotta be honest, Cas hasn’t…it’s his first time. Religious family. Came out to live with me now.” Skirting the truth is his specialty.

Her eye’s widened. “You are either the best friend ever or the biggest horndog.”

Cas chimed in, “Dean is my best friend.”

She fanned herself, “oh this is going to be fun! Let’s blow this place.” She turned as he threw money on the counter and grabbed a dazed Cas. Once outside, she waved to her car and indicated them to follow her.

Getting in the Impala, he started the engine and followed her lead. “You still want to do this Cas? If it’s too much, we’ll go.”

Cas gulped, “uh no, I think this is the best scenario, if unexpected. I did not know what a threesome was until she told me. She asked me if we would be alright with that and I honestly didn’t know.”

He smiled, “dude, you’re about to live every teenage boys dream…well, kinda. Usually when people think of these things they think of two girls and a guy. This is going to be frikking awesome though.” Cas smiled weakly at him. “Uh…you’re cool with me being there Cas? It’s not weird for you or anything? Gonna be honest Cas, I’ve never had a threesome myself, let alone with another dude.”

“I don’t think it would be weird at all Dean. As you might say, we’ve both seen each other’s ‘stuff’.”

They pulled into a gravel road, “like when?”

“Dean, I rebuilt your body and healed you countless time. I believe I know your body fairly well.”

The blood rushed both south and to his checks. “Awesome,” was all he can say. There wasn’t going to be any weirdness at all. Now he felt giddy like a little kid. Stopping at a little house in the woods, he surveyed the area. Small lot, in the backwoods, they were in an isolated place, hunters instinct told him possible trap, little Dean was saying they can be loud. They all climbed out of their cars and into the house. 

* * *

 

When he and April began talking at the bar, he found her to be a very direct person. As soon as she had her drink she was very upfront. “So, I’m going to go straight the point. You and that stud muffin over there are the two hottest specimens of manliness to pass by here.”

An unusual way to phrase it, but he understood that she was complimenting his and Dean’s physical appearance. “Thank you, I think you are very pretty as well.”

She giggled, “you’re a sweet one aren’t you? Well…they say that the sweet ones are the crazy ones in the sack.”

“Sack?” he asked.

She gave him a weird look, “serious? You know, like in bed. Sex? You’re a bit strange angel.” He squinted at her in confusion. She rolled her eyes, “ok, let me be blunt. I want you and him with me. A threesome you know? I don’t do this often, but when there’s a chance, I jump at it.”

He blinked a couple times at her, even more confused. She wanted to have sex with him _and_ Dean at the _same_ time? How was that even possible? “I…uh, don’t know if Dean would want to do that.”

“You too seem really close, hell, if I didn’t know better, I would think you two are a couple.” She looked at him closely, “you’re not are you? Cause this is a bad joke if you are.”

“Uh…no. I just never had anyone so upfront before.” Even Meg wasn’t as obvious as this woman.

“You know what, let’s ask green eyes back there and see if he wants to.” She turned to walk back to Dean. He did not know what Dean’s reaction would be, but the idea of having sex…with another person, with Dean there was an idea he could not push out. It was if his body was overriding him in wanting to do this, and he didn’t object. Since he had been taken advantage of, the thought of sex again repulsed him. Now though, he was comfortable enough to have another round at it.

Having Dean there though was both a blessing and burden. On a physical level, he knew he was attracted to Dean, but that was only a part of him, not the whole of him. His soul is and will always be the main draw to Dean for him. Engaged in such activities with Dean where making him feel warm and happy. On the other hand, Dean has not indicated an attraction to him of this nature, though he was at ease with him being nude with him.

On the short drive over, he glanced over at Dean who was smiling. It was his happy mischief smile that made him look so much younger. The prospect of having sex for Dean he knew was always a plus, but he was also very ok with Cas being there. That comforted him, since there was a fluttering feeling in his stomach from the nervousness.

He was about the engage in sex, with a woman with his best friend. Who he admired and loved in his own way. Once in the house, she offered them another drink and went over the rules.

“Ok, first thing. I’m not a slut, I just have a very active sex drive and I like group sex. That said, condoms a must, you gotta do what I say. No ands, ifs or buts.” April said as she activated a stereo for some upbeat music. “You both clean?”

“Yeah, we’re clean. Remember this guy here is a virgin. No problems. So how do you want to do this?” Dean replied.

She made a ‘cute’ face to think. He had no idea what to do. The mechanics were easy enough to know, but as with everything being human, there were subtleties that he did not grasp. “I think…you should strip each other. One piece at a time…every two of yours, something of mine comes off.”

Dean turned to him, “you cool with that Cas?” He didn’t reply, rather, he began to push Dean’s over shirt off. “Ok…so I take that as a yes.” In his turn, Dean began to unbutton his shirt. He recalled Sam’s advice, Dean was a man of action. It was easier for him to do something than say it. Not really paying attention to April, Dean was though, he stayed focused on getting Dean undressed. Dean mirrored every move he did until they were in their underwear.   

At this point, April had been nude for some time. “I never knew men who wore so many layers.” He felt her lustful gaze over him and he looked over a Dean. The nervous feeling was beginning to swell inside again now that he felt he was on display. “I wonder…who’s bigger?”

He tilted his head, “Dean is physically bigger than I am.” An inch taller and about twenty five more pounds heavier in fact.

“Cas…shut up!” Dean hissed beside him. He turned to April, “it’s not the size that matters, it’s how you use it. And I guarantee you, I know how to use it.”

“I’ll put that to the test. Drop’em boys, I’ll see for myself.” Dean quickly removed his and his socks and he had to take stock. It was different to rebuild a body, another to see it in its glory. Dean was aroused, but not yet fully. Still though, that sight and the naked woman in front of him caused more blood to head south. “Hmmm, I like. You’re turn Cas.”

He pulled down his boxers and let the cool air hit his genitals. Her eyes widened a little bit, “I think Cas wins this round Dean.” Looking over at Dean, he saw him blush and he did too. “Hmmm, I’m getting all warmed up. Let’s move this to the bedroom.

Following her lead, he watched with interest as her buttocks bounced though there was a firmness to them. Once in her room, he looked over the king size bed that took up most of the space. She sat in at the edge and spread her legs so they can see he well trimmed pubic hair and vagina. Feeling himself stiffening ever more, an urge to just do it had to be beaten back.

Then he felt Dean’s hand on the small of his back and he looked at him, “ok Cas, watch a master.” Leaving his side, he saw Dean go down on April. She motioned him to come closer to her as Dean began kissing her stomach heading down. When he was close, she patted the bed and he sat next to her. She kissed him on the neck as one hand wound itself around his cock. The warm pressure she put on him sent immense pleasure through him. Then she moaned and together they looked down at Dean. He was giving her cunnilingus and given the sounds she was making, he was preforming it well,

Making Dean stop for a while, she wanted him on the bed and had them sit side by side. Once they were, she used both hands to jerk them. Dean was on his knees and was kissing her, encouraging him to follow him on the opposite side of him. The lust in himself gave everything pleasure dreamy feeling of freedom and made it easier to do this. April was enjoying having their hands roam and grope her and she did the same. Once in a while, his and Dean’s hands touched, but rather than repeal reach, they slide over or under.

There were moments he felt adventurous and gave a pinch here and there. Knowing the nipples are an erogenous zone, he gave a slight pinch and got a giggle of delight. Dean looked at him approvingly but one upped him by actually biting and liking the nipple closest to him. So he copied him and April was becoming goo in their arms. Pushing them back a little, she said she foreplay was done rather demandingly. Time didn’t exist to him at the moment, he was happy with what they were doing.

Pointing to the small drawer to her bed, Dean opened it and took out some condoms and lube. “So…uh, how do you want to do this? Dean asked.

“I want you…” she said to Dean, “But I want you on top of me,” she said to him.

“Whatever you want babe.” Dean said as he crawled over to the foot of the bed. “Cas…watch me.” Looking at Dean, he saw April and him position themselves to engage in intercourse. While Dean rolled on the condom on putting on some lube, April was fingering herself. Dean positioned himself and slowly worked his way inside of her. Once he was in, he watched Dean’s face as he began to thrust.

“Cas angel…come here.” April said between gasps. She maneuvered him so he was straddling her above her breasts. Then without warning, she took him in her mouth and began sucking on his cock. This was a thousand times better than any hand. He zoned out for a while. Then he felt Dean’s hand on his shoulder massaging him while also using him as a brace. They were in this position for a while, moving so often to feel different angles.

Then she wanted to switch positions and she wanted him to now penetrate her. “And I want you Dean to show him how,” she added as Dean pulled out. Nodding, Dean pulled another condom out for him.

“You know how to put one on Cas?”

“No, I want you to put it on him.” April ordered.

“No…I can do it Dean, you don’t…” Dean shook his head.

“It’s fine.” Dean tore the package open  and took out the prophylactic. Taking his hand, he guided Cas’s hand on how to put it one. Having Dean so close to his erect manhood was made it even more engorged, more than he thought he could bear. However, Dean was clever enough to show him without actually touching him. Once it was one, Dean was behind him and using his hands on his hips, guided him into what to do next. Those hands never left his hips even as he was in her and began thrusting on instinct. He realized Dean was trying to direct his speed and direction. After he wised up, Dean left him and April to fuck as he watched from the side.

The feeling of being in her was amazing, and the warmth, the pressure and the friction. Dean moved to the head of the bed and watched him with pride and…he though longing as he almost lost himself in her. His cock and hands were all hers, but his eyes were focused on Dean. Then she made him pull out to she can be in a different position called ‘doggy style’. When he reentered her, he saw that she did so she can give Dean a blowjob while he fucked her. Once they started again though, he and Dean locked eyes again and once again, he was lost to them.

“I…think…I think I’m close,” he said. She wanted him to pull out and as soon as he did so, she flipped herself so she can finish him with his hands. As soon as she grabbed him, she took of the condom and began to stroke him.

Dean was breathing heavily next to him as he jerked himself off. “I’m close too,” he said. April smiled then used both hands to jerk them furiously. When he came, he grabbed onto Deans shoulder for support. However he felt Dean shudder at the same time and when the moment of bliss fazed out enough, he realized they came together at the same time.

April hummed in approval before Dean went down on her and made sure she also reached orgasm too. She squealed in delight as lay limp next to her, watching Dean pleasure her. Once her own had passed, she declared she was going to shower. Dean came up next to him and threw an arm around him.

“Cas…that was the single most awesome thing I have ever done.”

Still relatively speechless, he just patted Deans thigh. April came back in with a couple of glasses filled with alcohol. “Here’s a drink for you boys while I shower. I’d join you, but I don’t think I can last another around with you both.” As she turned to the restroom, they could hear her whisper, “God…that was amazing.”


	27. Chapter Twenty Seven

==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

* * *

The drink she offered felt good so he only took a couple of sips to savor it. Having Dean next to him was even better. This experience was…amazing. The physical pleasure of it was overwhelming and it was the closest he came to feeling divine since the loss of his grace. The post coital bliss he was having was accentuated by having Dean's arm around him while he rested his head on Dean's shoulder.

"Man…that was awesome." Dean said after he drowned his drink. April was in the shower while they stayed in the bed. Turning to him, "sooo…here's the tricky part. Some women, want you stay, others want you to go. April seems cool, so I'm guessing if we wanted to stay, we can. If she wants us gone, then we go altright?"

"I don't want to move…" Dean chuckled at his response. "Was I ok?"

"You we're great Cas. Better than my first time that's for sure."

He liked how Dean was stroking his arm, this feeling of intimacy with Dean right now made him happy. The feeling was like being in warm water, swelling his heart. Even though they didn't have sex with each other per se, he felt closer to Dean more than ever. He and Dean feared that what happened to him would scar him from engaging in anything sexual ever again. His drive to recover coupled with Dean's support gave him the strength to do this.

"What was your first time like Dean?" He took another sip, he wished he had a smoke right now. That would be perfect.

Dean huffed through his nose, "it was way back in high school, can't remember which one. I was with a girl for a study group, but I only went because she was the cutest girl in class. Her parents weren't home and when everyone was gone, she made me strip for 'biology' class. One thing lead to another and in hindsight, it wasn't great. No one is born a great lover."

"And you think you're a great lover now Dean?" he asked teasingly.

"Well, you didn't see all my best moves there Cas."

"Hmmm, perhaps you'll need to show me." Dean gave a squeeze when he said it, his heart raced. The Dean yawned.

He became aware of feeling sleepy all of a sudden. Looking over, he saw that Dean was already nodding off. For a second, he thought it was the excretion they just went through. The panic in his stomach was telling him something different though.

"Dean…something's not right." He tried to nudge Dean up. Grunting, Dean tried to get up.

Struggling to stand, Dean looked blearily at him, "Cas…" He wobbled a little bit, "Run!" Dean tried to shout. Trying to stand up himself, his own legs gave way when the bathroom door opened.

Standing in a sheer nightgown, April twirled an angel blade in her hand. "Now it's impolite to run out on a girl."

"Bitch…what'd you do?" Dean gasped out as he tried to crawl over to him.

"Put a little something extra in the drinks. Castiel there has a big bounty on his head. You'll be fine Dean, don't want anything happening to that beautiful body of yours." Her demeanor had completely changed from friendly to a dominating threat.

"Who and that are you?" he asked with as much venom has he can muster.

"Oh, a specialty tracker, a rouge and now bounty hunter. Kinda like Ajay, except this time I was hired to track down by Naomi's protégé. He would like to have a word with Cas here."

"Over my dead body…" Dean threatened as he tried to get up. She kicked him down though in the groin and he hissed in pain then passed out. Stepping over him, she held the angel blade under his chin.

"Thought it was kind to let you have some fun before I take you to Bartholomew." His vision was beginning to falter, but the panic was overriding whatever she slipped in. Grabbing the blade and twisting his body, he got enough of a surprise to get a grip on the weapon. She was still strong though and they tumbled a bit for control of it.

His hands were slick with blood since he was mostly holding onto the edges and he got sliced here and there, but then Dean threw himself wildly at her from his prone position and that surprise bought him enough time to grab the blade fully and stab her. The bright light that erupted from her blinded him for a moment before he himself surrendered to the darkness.

He woke up when the sky began to lighten up from the window he was near. It only took a few seconds to remember what happened to scramble to his feet. That was a bad decision since he immediately felt light headed and unsteady on his feet. "Dean?" he called out trying to rub the blurriness from his eyes. Getting no response he tried to focus on the spot where he thought Dean was at.

Dean was still in the spot where he grabbed the now very dead April. She still had the blade in her heart. Rushing over, he checked that he still was breathing an uninjured. Sighing with relief that there was nothing on Dean, he figured since he didn't finish his drink and Dean did, he didn't suffer the full effect. That probably meant that Dean was going to be out for a little while longer.

Looking around, he grabbed his clothes and Deans and dressed himself then Dean. Taking the body to the trunk, they'll have to burn and bury it far from here. Being as through as he could, he tried to clean everything to make it look like she had gone. It was unusual for Reapers to possess anyone, but not unheard of. Rouge reapers where supposed to be a kill on sight directive as they posed a threat to the balance.

When he deemed it clean enough, and every trace of them gone, he lifted Dean to the car and drove. Why some angels were still after him was understandable, but from what Ezekiel said, most didn't care as long as they go back home. Not to mention that he might be needed still to reverse the spell since it was his grace. They would have to be extra careful now when they go out.

* * *

He first felt the familiar rumble of the Impala before he opened his eyes. His head was pounding and the light hurt his eyes. Then the scenes from last night flashed in his mind. "Cas!" he called as he bolted upright.

"Right here Dean." Cas replied as he kept his eyes on the road. Looking out the window, he saw the flat featureless plains near the bunker. They were heading home.

"You ok?" He reached over and tried to inspect the ex-angel.

"Some cuts, but I'm ok. I cleaned the place and burned her already. She was a reaper coming to take me to another angel."

"That bitch…I should've known it was too easy." He failed again to protect his family. Lulled by protecting Cas and sex, he let his guard down. "I'm sorry Cas…"

"Don't be sorry Dean…I don't think I would still be here had you not joined. That part is still fun, and I wish to do that again."

That was a bonus, he thinks, Cas wanting to having sex again. Right now there was the problem of why this happened though. "So, she was sent to capture you?"

"Yes, a reaper. Their powers allow them to track people even with wards. They are rare to encounter. Most never break the rules as set down by Death."

'Yeah…I think we should have a little chat with him."

"That would be unwise Dean. Ezekiel did warn us that there was a fraction of angels set to kill me. Apparently they are being led by Naomi's protégé, Bartholomew. They must've ignored the message Ezekiel sent out and want vengeance."

"Well, if Death can rein in his people, then we don't have to worry about this happening again. I guess we'll just have to bunker down until Kevin finds a way to send them back."

"If he finds a way."

" _We_ will find a way Cas. We'll get you wings back."

"I'm not entirely certain I want my wings back Dean."

Whoa. Hold up, did Cas just say that? "What do mean by that?"

Cas kept his eyes on the road. "There are many disadvantages of being human but there is at the same time many good things. Not to mention, I don't make a very good angel.I can still protect humanity as a human by being a hunter. Sex is awesome. I also like some of the emotions I feel." Turning his gazer from the road to him, "There are some feelings I wish to never be without. The pain of such loss is too great, even for an angel."

He knew what Cas was talking about. It was about them, and he felt it too. They may not have had sex with each other, but for all intents and purposes, last night was between them. April was just another body, a conduit for them to feel each other without really doing so. If she hadn't tried to kill them, he might have pitied her. The  _real_ connection last night was between him and Cas.

There was no denying, and no one to deny it to but himself now. He loved Cas. Cas was now his brother, best friend , student and teacher rolled into one. The fact that Cas was in a dudes body was irrelevant. Sam was right, there was a way to happiness for him. He can be happy with Cas.

"I know buddy, I know." he whispered.

When they arrived to the bunker, he heaped praise on Cas for driving and for cleaning up the little house. He wasn't even slightly embarrassed that he had to be dressed. After last night, there were really no secrets between them now. Minus the attempted kidnapping, he felt more free than he did the previous day.

Cas headed to take a shower and he was tempted to join him. Not join in the same stall, but at the same time. It was only hygienic to take a shower after a night like that. No one like overnight lube and other bodily fluids on them, especially in those places. Heading over to his room, he grabbed a pair to change into and headed to the showers.

Coming in, he heard the water running but there was something else. Someone was crying, softly, but there still. It could only be coming from one person. Quickly heading over to the stall where Cas was in, he swung the curtain aside. He was greeted with a waft of steam.

Waving his hand to clear the steam, he looked down. "Cas?" he asked gently. Curled into a corner naked was Cas, covering his eyes but still crying. "Come here man, I'm here, you're safe…" he repeated as he wrapped his arms around the crying man. And he latched on like a man drowning.

After calming down a bit, he finally spoke, "I almost got us killed."

"Shhhh, no you didn't. We didn't know, she tricked us both." Cas was racking himself with guilt again, just as he was earlier on the car ride. He thought Cas was taking this in stride, but then again, he is practiced in masking his emotions now. "There's no one to blame. It happened and we came out on top. That's what matters. You're still here. I'm still here."

Leaning away from him, Cas looked at him with reddened eyes. "I lied, I'm not handling this so well. The parallels are between…"

He held a finger to Cas's mouth. "You don't have to tell me. It's ok. Really, I understand. I'll be right here." Standing up, he offered his hand to let Cas up as well. Once on his own feet, Dean took off his clothes.

Tilting his head, "what are you doing Dean?"

"Said I'll be right here didn't I?" he replied kicking off his boxers. "It's not like you've seen me naked before man. And I need a shower too."

Dazed, Cas just nodded as led them back into the stall. Turning on the water, less scalding this time, he took lead in washing Cas first. He took care to be gentle and not try to feel him up. Cas in his turn did the same. Their bodies of course responded partially, but they both ignored that. That wasn't the point of this. The point was being there, to focus each other.

Once they were done and toweled off. Dean turned to face Cas when they were about to leave the washroom. "Cas…I want you to stay with me in my room."

"You want me to sleep in your bed again Dean?"

He scratched his head, "yeah…on a more, um, permanent basis." Cas did his squinty eye thing at him. "If you wanted, of course. You don't have to if you don't want to" he quickly added.

"I prefer your bed," Cas said as he walked past him. "I'm tired…I think I will take a nap now." Cas walked into his room as he finished that statement.

Smiling, he followed Cas. He could use a nap too.


	28. Chapter Twenty Eight

==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

* * *

Even after Kevin arrived to look over the tablet a couple of days later, the 'thing' between him and Dean continued to grow deeper. After his panic attack when they came back from April's, he and Dean feel asleep in his bed. Now he has slept there for the past three nights. Sometimes he felt Dean wrap himself around him like he was trying to protect him. Or he would do the same because he was scared Dean would disappear. In all, they did sleep more soundly.

As a courtesy he does not sleep in the nude as he did when he was in his own bed. Dean might not have minded that first time, but he did not want to embarrass him. That shared sexual experience between them was a definite turning point between them. He noticed that Dean was more at ease, smiling more and initiating more physical contact. Whereas before Dean kept himself at a distance, now he was always touching him in some way. Like hands on his shoulder or the small of his back, lingering and light like he was just showing he was there.

That experience at Aprils before it went all bloody was still the most interesting experience he has ever had as a human. What happened to him before didn't matter because he was lost in the feelings of pleasure that he was experiencing for the first time. He wanted to feel that again, that natural high, the feeling of being touched, to touch…it was all enticing and he wanted more.

There was conflict when he thought such things. He wanted to do it with Dean, but at the same time, he didn't. Not because Dean would decline, but he feared Dean was not enough. The marijuana gave him a high in itself yes, and there were other substances he could use to give him other highs. The thought of coupling them with the high he got from sex was tempting. Dean disapproved of excessive drug use, and he knew the reason why.

Charlie hadn't meant to, but she inadvertently alerted him to the gospels still being published online. He had read the one titled 'The End' and he was able to infer why Dean was hesitant about his drug use. Dean was scared he would change to sex and drug addict, that he would lose the Cas he knew then. Reading that, he knew how he could have fallen into that path because he is on that path. These highs were nowhere close to what it felt to have grace, but they took his mind off of it at least.

Bringing a sandwich to Kevin, he left it beside him before the prophet called out to him. "Hey Cas! Thanks, but can I talk to you?"

Turning around, he sat himself across from Kevin. Young as he may be, Kevin had proven to be resourceful and adaptable. His status as a prophet in itself meant he should respect him, but Kevin earned that respect also. "Yes Kevin?"

"I wanted to talk to you…about Dean." Kevin asked with slight hesitation.

He tilted his head, "what about Dean?"

Kevin looked around as if he was checking to see if Dean was nearby, satisfied he turned to him. "Is it just me or is Dean happy?"

"Would that be a bad thing?"

Kevin shook his head, "no, it's just odd to see him all smiling and in a good mood. I expected him to be more…uh…"

"Angry? Pissed off now that Sam is gone? Depressed?" he suggested.

"Yeah…I mean, it's great that he's in a good mood. I'm just worried that it's a cover."

There was a point to his concern, but he knew better. "You shouldn't be worried Kevin. I am certain that he is actually in a good mood. He is still grieving for Sam, but he's just processing that in his own way."

"And you Cas? You seemed happy a couple days ago too but it seems you have a lot on your mind." It was touching that Kevin was concerned for him as well.

"I do. I want to do more to send the angels back to Heaven, but I exhausted all I can find here. And Dean…I know he's doing better, but I am not certain about us."

"Us? Kevin asked with surprise, "so…you're…. _with_  Dean now?"

He was familiar enough now with way humans phrased things so he knew what Kevin meant. "That is what I am not certain about nor do I know if it is something either one of us wants. I just feel…better when he's around."

"So you're having a difficult time trying to decide if it's platonic or romantic then?" Kevin asked, going straight to the heart of the matter.

"I guess that is the best way to describe it. Dean has helped me a lot since the...since I fell." Kevin did not know what was done to him nor did he want him to know. "We've been through a lot, he and I these past months. Years actually, but being human has offered me new insight, new…feelings."

Folding his arms and leaning back, Kevin smirked a bit. "I get it, I do. It's hard to know if someone likes you or not. One of the greatest mysteries of life Cas. Sometimes it's just better to ask upright."

"Do you think that's a wise decision?"

Shrugging, "I don't know. It's a risk. But hey, listen, I think Dean's cool. He doesn't  _say_  things like that, but he shows it. Might be hard for him since you're a guy, but I think he cares a lot for you. He hovers over you when you're two are around."

It's true, Dean does now…hover over him. Unless he was busy with something else, like with the cars right now. "I know he does. The past couple of days I've been reflecting." Looking at the tablet and a way to change the subject, "have you found anything?"

"Nothing resembling the spell or about reversing it. This tablet is just as complicated as the Demon one. Easier to read though since we have the whole thing, but there's lots of things and there's no index."

"In other words, you have to go through the entire tablet before you can find the spell he used and how to reverse it."

"Just about, but I can do it. The angels 'watching' me were content to do just that. From what Ezekiel told me, most are just living as their vessels or just waiting up in the sky."

"There are some that are seeking to kill me." April acted under the orders of Bartholomew who may have more angels and reapers lying in wait for him. So he and Dean were holding tight in the bunker.

Scratching his head, Kevin looked at him, "yeah, I was told, but the others are mostly indifferent. They're still pissed at you though, so I would avoid all of them."

He sighed, "noted. Is there anything else you need Kevin?"

"Nope, I'm good." He took a bite out of the sandwich, "hey, this is really good!" Smiling back at the prophet, he made his way to the laundry rooms. There were sheets that needed drying.

* * *

"It's nice to see you again Dean." Sam said as he sat on the couch in Bobby's library.

"Sammy? You're ok? You're not in the hole are you?" he asked.

Sam gave him a small shake of the head, "no, that was just a mental representation Dean. I wasn't really there, you just imagined me as the counterpoint for your guilt and anger. Those were represented by Dad." Sam was a side chair shrink now apparently.

"So that wasn't really you? How do you know this?" He asked suspicious.

He pointed to his head, "in your head remember? Last place I would ever want to be, but it's the only place where we can visit."

Feeling suddenly embarrassed, "you…uh, didn't go looking around in here did you?"

Making a disgusted face, "hell no! I don't think even God wants to know what demented stuff you think of. Besides, you're my brother."

Dean let out a breath. There were some things no one ever needed to know. Like the pink panties, that was one deep dark secret of his. "So what was all of that about anyway? It was all messed up Sam, that dream."

Sam leaned back, "I guess you can call it an emotional catharsis." He gave his nerdy brother a look to translate into English. Sighing, Sam explained, "you purged your emotions Dean. Or, I would say you came to terms with them."

"Mind running by that again Sam?"

"You let go of your self-made guilt Dean. Those decisions that lead you to feel that way, those weren't on you. That was on me. You just came to terms with it. It was such a major break in your mind though, it physically affected you. But it opened you up."

He did now feel better, lighter since they cleaned Sam's room. "Opened me up for what Sam?"

"To love Cas." Sam simply stated. "Look Dean, I know he can make you happy. You just got to learn to work out a balance between you two. But you need him and he needs you. You don't need me anymore."

"What? Course I need you Sam! I'll always need you." he pleaded. Why was this going like a bad breakup?

Sam got up. "I'll always be with you Dean, in your heart and memories. But I think this is the last time I'll be coming here." He began walking to the kitchen door. He also got up to follow him.

"Sam no! Please!" He grabbed for Sam's shoulder before he opened the door. Stopping Sam looked at him with a small smile.

"Dean, you'll be ok. I'll be watching over you both."

"We all will boy." Bobby said behind him.

"Bobby?" he asked surprised.

"No ya idjit, it's the ghost of Christmas past. Course it's me."

"Why are you guys leaving? Why are you leaving me?" he couldn't help the sadness that permeated his voice.

"We're dead Dean. We belong in Heaven. How the hell Sam is doing this, allowing us to talk like this I don't know. I do know that it won't last. Sam, I…we feel it. As much as we want to stay with you, we can't." Bobby explained.

"But as I said Dean, we're still with you. And we'll all be waiting." Sam said as he opened the door. Outside was not the scrapyard, but a green field with a warm sun shining. Both Bobby and Sam stepped out and down the porch to join a group of people. Looking closely, he recognized his mom, and grandfather, Jo, Ellen and others he had lost. The surge of happiness at seeing them again was punctured when they gradually disappeared. The darkness enfolded him again and he cried out for them before he saw no more.

Then he felt his whole body shaking and someone calling his name. He was lying down but it was light, weak though since it was his desk light that was one. "Dean!" he heard again, recognizing it as Cas. He turned over to look at him, and saw that there was deep worry painted there. "You were crying out for Sam." Cas reached down and wiped his eye and he felt the moisture there. He really was crying out for his brother. Seeing that he calmed down and was now awake, Cas let out a breathe. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"He's gone. They all are." The sorrow was still much to near to him to make complete sentences.

"Who?" Cas asked, the worry still lacing his question.

"Sam, Bobby…everyone. Sam said this was the last time he was coming to talk to me in my dreams."

"Oh…I'm sorry Dean." Cas replied as he lay back on the bed next to him. Dean propped himself up on his shoulder so he can look at Cas lying down. Sad as he was, that feeling he had of being free was still there. The fear and guilt he carried were things he can now manage. Looking over Cas, he knew the reason why. Their connection, that bond first forged years ago, had grown. It grew into genuine love, love that allowed them both to come to terms with their personal demons.

Using his free hand, he traced the contours of Cas's face. Running from his silky hair to his smooth cheek until the rough stubble, he saw Cas focus on him as he leaned down. Those blue eyes were like a blue ocean, questioning, yearning and yet composed, calm. Those wrinkles around his eyes gave him a seasoned, wise look, though he knew it was because Cas squinted at everything of interest. His lips only looked chapped, but as his own lips touched them, they were in fact soft, and had a slight minty taste. Never once did they blink, only closing their eyes as they made contact.

He felt the soft moan emanate from Cas that only escaped into his own mouth. Holding this light kiss, he felt the swipe of Cas's tongue at his lips and he greeted it with his own. There was a shift in the bed and then a hand on his face as Cas drew his closer to his own. The tears escaping from his eyes ran down his face and onto Cas's. This was…this was validation, this was real and this was hope.

Cas broke the kiss and opening his eyes, he saw Cas was looking at him with both hope and happiness. A small smile broke out between them as they both knew what the other was thinking. Reaching over, Cas wiped the last of his tears from his face. They were from happiness, from letting go to let something else in. Sam may be gone, but Cas was now here. Right here.

"Dean…" Cas said in a hushed voice.

"Shhh...I know Cas. I know. I do too." He replied as he turned off the light on the desk. Wrapping Cas around him, he felt Cas's arm around his waist as his face pressed against his chest. This was right, he had never felt so close to anyone before. Not Lisa, not Cassie. This was a different bond than with Sam or his father. This was more than just best friends, or a brother in arms. This was Cas. His Cas, who raised him from hell and had died for him over and over. This was a man that accepted him, damaged and all, and did not judge. This was a man, no, person, he can love.


	29. Chapter Twenty Nine

==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

* * *

He was already gone when he woke up given the lack of warmth beside him. It wasn't like Dean to sleep in and snuggle, which was something  _he_  liked to do. One benefit of being human, finding all kinds of personal quirks that serve no purpose. He has found that these small things though make up part of his personality. Things that he found peculiar before like choice of clothing, eating habits, stress relief and such were no longer confusing now that he was human.

Stretching while getting up from the memory foam bed, he heard a few cracks and pops. When he first did that months ago, he thought he broke something. Now it was just something he did. Standing, he took stock of the small room that had become both his and Dean's. In fairness, all the personal items were all Dean's and there was nothing of his in here. Not yet at least.

Originally, it was for Dean to keep an eye on him because of his panic attacks. It was also for him to comfort Dean from his crushing depression. His presence let Dean know that he was not alone, that he still had someone in the world. Now, months later, those were secondary reasons. They slept in the same bed together now because they wanted to. Last night was just the culmination of that.

Dean had kissed him. It was more than just a show of affection, it was a milestone. A turning point, one bigger than the one from a week earlier. The kiss was Dean letting him know that he was ready to move on. As with most things in Dean's life, there was some need of approval. He believed that Sam had once again visited him in his dreams and given his blessing. It was a mystery of how Sam was able to do that, but it was possible. There was no doubt in his mind that Sam somehow found a way. It was that or some higher power allowed him to do so.

Thinking of his father still brought up bitter thoughts, but God did intervene. He himself was brought back numerous times, as were the Winchesters. Divine intervention he had found was done when it was needed, not when they wanted. In that manner, he knew his father still cared for his creations. He also understood that God wasn't around because it was time for them all to take charge of their own destinies. To learn from their own mistakes. To grow.

And grow he has in the past several years. Once he was a commander of a garrison of angels, then he was demoted, destroyed, drained, insane and now fully human. There were many lessons he had learned, some very hard and bitter, others were good. Last night was a good one. As he walked over to the showers, he knew he was carrying a large smile. There was music coming from somewhere in the bunker, Dean's classic rock he mused.

Once showered, he followed the music to its source, which was the kitchen. There was Dean finishing cooking breakfast. Sensing his entrance, Dean looked up at him, "morning Cas." He pointed a spatula at him, "want some bacon?"

He smiled back, "don't ask stupid questions." That got him a laugh and four slices of bacon.

"What's cooking?" Kevin asked coming into the kitchen next.

"Breakfast. Got a plate ready for you." Dean said as he placed Cas's plate in front of him. Grabbing their own, both Kevin and Dean sat down. Talking about what Kevin had found so far, which wasn't much, they enjoyed the breakfast. Once they were done, Kevin went back to study the tablet. He and Dean just looked at each other over the dishes.

"So…I was thinking about going out and getting a headstone finally. I've been putting off for months." Dean said as he gathered the dishes.

"Any idea what you want?"

"Marble I think, best we can find." Standing up with the dishes, "you wouldn't know how to chisel stone do you?"

He shook his head, "no. Do you want to do it yourself?"

"I have no idea how to carve. Crafts are not my best suit." Dean sighed, "I also don't want to arouse any questions. All the places want to know which cemetery they will deliver it to. There is a mason who can do it. I remember Sam pulled out the guys info when we were trying to find surviving members of the Men of Letters. I called him up earlier and set up a meeting."

"That's interesting. There had to be more members given the size of the bunker," he mused. The bunker can easily house dozens of people.

"Yeah, I know. We need to go on a grocery run." Dean said as he dropped the dishes in the sink while he got up.

"I'm ready to go if you are."

Turning around, Dean looked at him wiping his hands. "Cas, you know I'm not that great talking about…feelings. Last night…"Dean looked at the ground.

His heart sank, was Dean going to deny their…whatever it is? "You think it was a mistake?"

Dean looked up, "what? No! I just…I just don't know what we have, never done anything like this Cas. This is new to me." Walking over to him, he cupped his face, "Cas, I…you know…"

"Love me?" he supplied with hope.

Dean nodded, "yeah…stuff like that. It's hard for me to talk about. I just want to let you know that."

He smiled, "Dean, I always knew that."

Standing up straight and smiling, "uh…good. Cause I have no idea what to do here."

"You're asking like I would know? I do not." Dean huffed but he continued, "but…we'll do what we always do."

Dean arched his eye brow, "oh, and what's that Pinky?"

He assumed that was a pop reference that Dean was fond of but he went on, "make our own way."

"Sounds like us." Dean gave him his mischievous smile. "Anyway…good chat. We'll go after the dishes are done." Grabbing the dish towel, he stood by Dean as he began to wash them. Things like this happened now, they don't have to say anything to each other. They just do whatever needs to be done. Once everything was dried and put away, they told Kevin they were going out.

The ride over and in the store, there was a feeling of something new between them. It lent them both excitement and sense of giddiness. They bought unnecessary junk food with the usual stuff. They went to another store and bought some movies to watch. The mood quieted though as they drove to the stone mason. When they got there, they looked over the house and workshop that was attached to it. It was an isolated homestead, but Dean explained that he got this info from the Men of Letters file. Apparently this was a mason they had connections to.

Ringing the doorbell, an elderly man who was quite spry opened the door. Holding out his hand, "Hi! You must be Dean." Shaking the offered hand, Dean nodded and the man motioned for them to come in.

"I'm the one who called earlier, about a headstone." Dean said. "This is my partner Cas." He looked at Dean, not knowing if Dean meant partner as in business or partner as in a relationship.

"Nice to meet you Cas. Is that short for something?" the old man extended his hand to him as well.

"Castiel," he answered as he shook the man's hand.

"Angel of Thursday." The man said with a smile. Looking over, he saw Dean tense as they both thought the same thing. Was this another angel or hitman? Thankfully, the man continued, "my name is Joe, bit of a theological historian. I just read over a book on angelology."

"Oh, yes. My father was a very religious man," he lied quickly.

Joe nodded, "take a seat. Want anything to drink? Coffee, water?"

Dean held up his hand. "No, we're good. Thank you."

"Suit yourself," Joe said as he seated himself in an armchair across them. "I'm surprised I got a call for a job. I've haven't done mason work in a longtime."

"Sorry sir, we didn't know. A friend referred us to you. Said you were good." Dean lied smoothly.

"This friend of yours, does he happen to be a Man of Letters?"

He and Dean looked at each other surprised. "You know the Men of Letters?"

"More accurately knew them. My father was one before the order disbanded back in the day. We used to do the stonework for them, containers, repairs and on occasion, headstones. And we only worked for them. That's why I was surprised to hear from you. Are they back then?"

"Not really, it was just me and my brother. We're legacies because of our grandfather. Cas and I are the only ones in there now."

"In the bunker? I see. Well, I hope you two can restart it. They did a lot of good. Now, what do you need me for?"

Dean looked down, "my brother…Sam. He died and I buried him at the bunker. I wanted to get a headstone for him. I was looking for masons when I remembered there was one listed in the files. That's why I called. "

Joe nodded, "well, that was my daddy's thing. I was supposed to be initiated into it before it collapsed. I'm too old now to be much use, but I can make that headstone for you. I'll make sure he has a proper Men of Letters gravestone."

He saw there was a twinkle in Dean's eye and a visibly trying to hold back his emotions. Without thought, he took Dean's hand to offer his support and answered for him. "Thank you. Sam was looking forward to becoming a Man of Letters. He was an academic, interested in preserving the knowledge." Dean squeezed his hand in thanks and held on.

"May I ask how he passed?"

"He closed the gates of Hell. Locked all the demons across the world." Dean said with a measure of pride.

Joe looked astonished, "that's possible?"

"He slammed them down forever, but he sacrificed himself to do it."

"Golly. My sympathies son. It would be an honor then to do this."

"Sam also saved the world once before, when he trapped Lucifer in the cage. He ended the Apocalypse." He had to add that, Sam deserved to be recognized for that sacrifice as well.

"My god, what do you boys do?"

Dean huffed, "hunt things, saving people. It's the family business."

Stroking his wrinkled chin, "I think I know what to make. It'll take me a while, but I have a large unused piece of marble that would be good. What's his info?" Dean handed him the paper with Sam's information. "Simple enough. Is there anything you want on it? An epitaph or anything?"

"Just the Aquarian Star and a…cross." Sam was a man of faith he knew, though that was something he rarely shared with other hunters. Hunters have a disdain for religion in general. It was fitting that Dean request that.

"Not a problem. I think I can have this done in a couple of weeks." The grandfather clock loudly announced the hour. "Oh my, it's getting late. You boys want to stay for dinner?"

"No thank you. We should head back to the bunker." Dean said as he got up.

"Very well, I'll give you a call when it's done."

"How much do I owe you?"

Joe held up his hands, "no charge. I'm retired and I have no need for money. As I said, it'll be an honor to do this."

Dean bit his lip to contain his gratitude before he spoke. "Thank you sir."

"Not a problem son, not a problem. I'll call you." Escorting them to the door, he waved at them before closing it once they were through.

At the bottom of the steps, Dean handed him the keys. "You drive Cas. Know the way back?"

He looked over at Dean. "You sure Dean?"

The hunter nodded, "I…I just want to watch, not drive." Not pushing for more than that, they both went into the car. The roads were icy so he was extra careful and did not exceed the speed limit at all. Dean didn't mind, he just had the music up and kept his gaze on the darkening scenery. Somewhere along the line, Dean entwined his hand with his, leaving him with one hand to steer.

When they arrived back to the bunker it was well into the evening. He and Dean packed up the groceries and threw in a pizza into the oven. While it cooked, they checked on Kevin who still hadn't found anything. No news from Charlie and Garth either, so he and Dean settled into watching a movie. Dean regained some of his happiness watching the explosions rip across the screen. He didn't follow the plot, but involved fast cars which always made Dean happy.

Kevin popped in and said he was turning in for the night before the movie ended. After some commentary about the unrealistic probabilities of those stunts, Kevin left them alone. He and Dean agreed not to push the young man like they did before, so they let him decide his own schedule. As long as his mom was safe, Kevin was content to work as much as he could though. He was a very industrious person in addition to being highly intelligent.

Back in their own room for the night, he snuggled closer to Dean. "So we're getting a headstone for Sam. From a former Man of Letters no less."

Dean rubbed his eyes, "yeah, I wonder if there are any more out there."

"You think we should look for them?"

"I dunno, maybe they left for a reason. Maybe?" Dean clicked off the light.

"Do you want to restart the Men of Letters Dean? Officially, you're the only one left." He felt an arm wrap around him. He wanted to have a smoke, but since he and Dean been sleeping like this, he had used it less and less.

"Yeah…I'm the only one left. Listen Cas, can we talk about this later? Right now, I just want to rest. It's been a long day."

"Of course. Good night Dean."

He felt a small kiss on the back of his neck. "Night Cas."


	30. The Final Chapter

==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==

* * *

Two weeks later Joe delivered the stone and together, they erected it over Sam's final resting place. Thanking Joe before he left, he and Cas stood around the marker admiring it. Crafted from fine white marble, it was three feet tall rectangular block no thicker than four inches. In the center was a relief of a plain cross but that was suspended, or appeared to be so, on top of another relief of the aquarian star. The star was not as deep as the cross, but it was visible. Sam's full name was engraved in large darkened letters underneath with a Latin motto underneath.  _'Ex Scientia Vera'_ , which Cas translated as 'from knowledge, truth. He'd seen it from various papers in the bunker and Joe explained it was the motto of the Men of Letters. The highly glossed marble was smooth to the touch and shown bright when the sun hit it. It is perfect.

"It looks good, it…it's what Sam would have wanted. He was never pretentious or a showoff," he said as he took Cas's hand.

Tightening his grip slightly, Cas smiled, "yes, it is beautiful."

"My life, our lives…," he paused to face Cas, "it usually pretty shitty."

"That doesn't mean you have to go on alone though Dean." Over the past couple of weeks, he and Cas have slowly begun to be more…initiate with each other. No, they hadn't done anything sexual, but just holding hands, kisses here and there and being generally around each other. Which to be fair, was easy to slide into since personal space ceased to be an issue months ago.

"No, it doesn't," he replied looking back at the stone. "Sam is my brother, always will be. There'll be days when I'll want him back, when I'll miss him."

Cas wiped away a tear from his face he didn't know he let fall, "Dean, I'll miss him too. But we know where he is. One day we'll see him again."

"I know Cas…but not for a long while," he smiled back at his best friend and soon, possibly lover too.

"I hope not Dean, I would like to live a life with you, preferably as long as possible."

"We're hunters Cas, it usually ends bloody for us remember," he wasn't trying to dissuade Cas, just telling the truth.

Cas chuckled, "it  _has_  ended bloody a couple times Dean. But I'm willing to go on as long as you are."

The man was right, death had become a familiar friend to them. So much to the point, he knows that Death himself is a food junkie. "You're right I guess," he let go of Cas's hand, "you know I'm not good with this stuff Cas." He bent down to pick up a few of the dried leaves.

Joining him in this mindless chore, "I know you aren't Dean. Neither am I. In fact, I don't think anyone can quite convey what they mean when they are limited by words."

"Must be handy to read minds when you're an angel," he replied.

"Remember Dean, angels are beings of celestial intent. Energy with will if you may. We communicated differently but," Cas looked at one perfect leaf, "angels cannot convey what they feel because they feel so little. Not like a human." Putting it in the small pile they were cleaning, Cas looked at him, "humans…feel on so many different levels, it's amazing how you function at all."

"We just do I guess,"

"Exactly, and even though I can't read your mind Dean, I know, even without words, how you feel."

Stopping he looked back at Cas, "oh, and what do I feel?"

"I expect what I feel for you," Cas answered with a smile.

He knew that it was love, the type he can't really talk out loud in public. Not yet, or ever really, but Cas knew. He knew. And he guessed that's what really mattered. There was no need for some showy display of affection. That wasn't them. He hadn't realized it, but he and Cas were a thing now. Would he every say boyfriend? Probably not, but Cas didn't care. All that mattered in the end is that they loved each other.

Winking at Cas, "I do, really." Taking he small pile they collected, they dumped it behind some bushes. Reaching for Cas's hand, he gently took it and lead them back to the bunker. "Want some tea Cas?"

Kevin had left a day before to visit his mother saying he needed a break. The bunker was theirs alone for the time being. The kid made himself pretty scarce reading the tablet though, so it didn't feel any different. Cas made dinner, trying recipes he found online that were growing in complexity. Him? Give him a burger and fries, but he'll eat whatever Cas made him because it is damn good food. Feeling at ease now that Sam had a proper marker, he crawled into bed content.

Cas was already in bed, reading his copy of  _Cat's Cradle._ Sliding into the covers, there was something he needed to confess. It had been on his mind the past couple of days since he and Cas started…whatever they had. Relationship just didn't seem right and dating didn't fit wither. Romance sounded cheesy and thing was just plain wrong. He and Cas were…well, just were.

* * *

"Cas, I have to tell you something," Dean said as he slid next to him.

Putting the book down, he looked down at the hunter, "yes Dean?" He had a feeling that something had been nagging Dean but wasn't able to quite place what it was.

Looking up to him, Dean motioned for him to lie next to him, Obliging, he let Dean wrap an arm around him while his hand stroked his arm. "It's…it's been a couple of weeks since, well, you know, started this. And I like it, I do. But I have to tell you something. About what I found."

"What'd you find Dean?" he asked curious.

Dean gulped, "I found out about your video Cas, the one you did for that porn site?"

Oh. He had nearly forgotten about the work he did to earn money to get here. There was no shame then and still no shame now in what he did. "It was an honest job, if unconventional. It doesn't upset you that I did that?"

There was a small chuckle from Dean, "hell no. You have the balls to go through with it. I don't know if I could've done it myself." Then Dean sighed in relief then got up on one elbow and kissed him softly. The warmth of his lips coupled with the erotic memory made his heart pump and the increased blood flow went south. "To be honest, I found it kinda hot."

"Only kinda Dean?"

"Okay, I got really bothered by it in the good way. I…I just wanted to let you know that I knew that. I found out by accident when I was cleaning your room a couple months ago and-"

Cutting off Dean with another kiss, the feeling of carnal desire flowed through him. "I don't care if you watched it or not, I do not have any shame in doing it," he said as he reached under the covers. This feeling was different than that time with April or at the video shoot. It was…desire but not lust. Guiding his fingers under Dean's boxers, he found a hardening sex and gave it a squeeze as he cupped it.

Dean closed his eyes, "shit Cas…" was all the other man murmured.

"Is this what has been bothering you the past couple of days?' he asked as the he slowly stroked the now fully erect member.

"Yes…" Dean hissed before grabbing his arm and pulling him into a deep kiss. "I was worried that you'd be upset that I knew you did that…that…I know you were thinking of me when you jacked off," the panting man said once the kiss ended.

"Why would I be upset? Are we not engaging in sex right now?"

There was no response as they were preoccupied by kissing again. Again he reached for Dean's cock and freeing it from its cloth prison, tugged at it gently while using his thumb to use the precum on the head making it slick. Dean on his part allowed him to continue, letting him have free reign over his body. Lying back down, he took Dean's cloths off until he was completely nude.

He himself was still fully clothed but his own cock was making it painfully obvious it wanted to be set free. For a while now, he was wondering when he and Dean would approach the subject of sex. For him, there was the dark cloud his rape still cast on him, but he was working past it. Dean for his part he knew had never had relations with a male before but was also working at it.

For now though, he was content to run his palms against the soft muscle of Dean's stomach, pinch his brown pink nipples and kiss whatever skin looked desirable. He felt hands run under his shirt, trying to get them off and he obliged. For a time, they just touched everywhere but not where they wanted. There was more to sex than just getting off he read, there was the need to foreplay, to enhance and deepen the experience.

But…there was a time and place for everything. Reaching over Dean, he opened the drawer and took out the lube he knew Dean stashed there. He might be new to sex and limited in his experience, but he knew enough that sex between men in regards to penetration left only one option.

* * *

Seeing Cas grab his lube, he knew immediately what Cas was going for. It wasn't surprising at all when Cas gently teased his hole before slipping a finger in. No, not at all. Given Cas's past experience, he was pretty sure that if they were going to go all the way, he had a feeling he would be the one catching. Honestly, he didn't think it would be tonight and so soon, but that now second finger working him open didn't feel all the bad.

Then he saw stars when something Cas touched inside him was pressed. It was shockwave of pleasure that, if at all possible, made him harder and tingled every nerve. "Fuck Cas…," he moaned as one leg was pushed up and another finger in.

"That is my intent Dean," Cas replied in a husky voice. For a while, Cas finger fucked him and every so often, that spot was hit. Must be the fabled prostate he'd heard about and goddamn, did it feel good. Then the fingers were gone and he heard a rip of foil. Looking up, he saw Cas roll on a condom as soon as his pants were down.

During the threesome, he saw Cas's cock up close and in action. He was man enough to admit that yeah, Cas was bigger than him. The thought of that thing going in him though made him tense. Oh god, he was about to become the bitch. However, he loved Cas enough to let him do this.

"Ready Dean?" Cas asked as he guided it to his entrance.

He nodded and felt the head slip in easily enough. Every inch Cas went in though, he leaned closer and closer to Dean until they were chest to chest. "It hurts a bit…" he whispered through closed eyes. Cas stopped for a while to let him adjust, then kissed him as he began going in and out. This was way different, but in a way, it felt good.

Dean wrapped his legs around him as he began thrusting faster and harder. Leaning back a bit, he discovered that at this angle, he can hit the spot Dean wanted him to hit. For a while, he made sure he hit it hard and often. To top it off, since Dean was so aroused and leaking, he timed his thrusts with the jerks he gave Dean. This resulted in a Dean so blissed out, he chanted his name like prayer.

* * *

A hot coil of release was begging to be released and he knew he would come soon. For a split second, he thought of either pulling out like he did with April or just cum inside Dean. Some primal part of him though wanted the latter and it won out. Increasing his pace, he thought he heard Dean moan and felt a hotness spurt onto his hand as he came hard inside Dean.

Riding out the bliss, he lazily fell on top of Dean who was also catching his breathe. Kissing again, he felt Dean reach between them and pulled his softening cock out and took off the condom. Throwing it to the ground, they both cuddled in their post-coital haze.

"Damn, I think I might like that." Dean said after a few moments.

"I like it too," he agreed.

Dean kissed him on the forehead, "you okay?"

"I…I am fine." And he was, right now it was just them. They had physically expressed their love to each other. The deepening relationship…their bond now had taken a new turn. For a while, they were physically, emotionally and spiritually one. "I love you," he blurted out without thought and complete honesty.

"Cas…I know…and I," Dean took squeezed him tighter, "I love you too."

* * *

After cleaning up and taking a quick shower together, they slipped back into their bed. For long time now, he had thought of this as their bed and their home, long before he actually said it. As Cas cozied up to him, he looked down at his best friend/brother/lover. For weeks, he blamed Cas for being a moment too late, then himself for ignoring the one person he had left in the world. There were nights he wanted to dream of nothing or to meet Sam, nights were Cas cried in terror and shame. They both thought of ending it at some point too. Together though, they grieved and built each other up.

Now Cas was his foundation and he was Cas's. For the first time in a while, he looked forward to the future with his blue eyed ex-angel. Kissing him on the top of his head, he turned off the light and drifted off to sleep with his other half.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Well, there we go. Honestly, I had a hard time on how to end this, but for now, this was the best I can come up with. I might change it in the future since as of this completion date, we're still in mid-season hiatus. Thanks for sticking around though and I hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
